Xmas

Youth evening was at Annika's place again. Tiit was so nice, picked me up and brought me at her. She lives in periferia still! This time were not much ppl there. 8 with Kärt but she never counts herslef in so there were 7 by her. 3 boys: Tiit, Allan and Toomas. And 5 girls: Annika, Annemai, Piret, Kärt and me. Well, Annemai left soon at work and Markus game later when everything was over already, so basically was all the time 8 young person there.

This time wasn't Kärt reading the book. We were singing xmas songs and then we had 2 groups: one group (me, Annika and Toomas) had to think out as many reason we can why adventists should not have xmas and second group (Tiit, Annemai, Piret, Allan) had to think out reasons why we should have xmas.

Our basic points were:
1. Jesus had no birthday during Xmas time,
2. Santa Claus and his little helpers are just a big lie
3. Reindeers don't fly!
4. It is celebration of heathen solstice
5. It is pointles money wasting time for things you use just once in a year during the xmas week.

Our oposites had also some good points to keep xmas (I am not pointing out the rubbish like "Santa's little helpers are cool because they make kids happier") :
1. It is time when whole family comes together.
2. It is time when ppl are more opened to give money for poorer.
3. It is time when ppl who usually are not going to churc are going to church and so it is possible "to get a leg in from their doors".
Jeah... Jep... other points were just rubbish. But anyway. It was almostly all. After that we were sitting a bit longer and was talking about what could we do during annual turnover. After that we left. Markus brought me home to check battery of my car. Allan came as well with his car after he brought Piret at home. My car battery was empty. Totally. Markus connected my car with his and dragged till it started. After that we took petrol and they made test rout. Allan filled my weels with air as well. I got to know that my car has 1,6 l engine and 65 (or was it 6.5) kW ... emm... it was power I think. Oh and ofc that I need new sparkplugs and something is wrong with my car's exhaust pipe and oh dear! I had summer weels still on! But you know, I was not complaining. The car was driving!! I just need to take the plug off when I park my car and set it on again when I am going to drive. That's all.

Words are birds

Weird how much is possible to hurt with words. And it is also wierd that when we are in the same situation we all act the same. If you get hurt you are upset with the hurter but in oposite situation you never think you words can hurt others.

In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.

Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.

I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy. I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are.

I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.

Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.

Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry

Hidden pain

I am broken. I am bleeding and tired and down. I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!

I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others. To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?

I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...

Rembrand's Lost Son

We had a youth evening today. We have it every thuestday actually. The bigwig is Kärt. She is reading (translating and reading!) the book "The Emotionally Healthy Church" for us. Oh and not only that! She is thinking out also activity for us! Last time we had to group feelings. She had lots of feelings on the paper pieces and we had to group them into 2 different groups; negative and positive ones. We got 3 groups. Positeve feelings, negative feelings and the feelings we didn't know where to set. I felt like 7 years old and it was great feeling! <- POSITIVE FEELING! The point of the evening was tha we should break down.

Today we had to watch Rembrand's Lost Son first and then discribe the Father, the Lost Son and his elder brother. And the pont of the evening was that we should identify ourselves with the Lost Son. We should kneel down and put our head into the Father's lap. And the Father here is God. We had to watch into ourselves to see are we elder or younger son and if we found we were elder then what should we do to be younger. Well... who told that life has to be easy and clear...

The other thought what I can remember was that are we able to be as a real family member for our congregation? Are we able to be friendly and opened for others around us? Are we able just to listen others? Are we?

Of course we are!

Till Kärt asked from us that what if our pastor would step into the room now and says he has a problem - it is not going well at work and he has problems with his children and wife, a member of church told to him he is not good in his work, his car just stopped working and he has no transport now and etc., etc. How would we act? Would we feel alright during that? Are we able listen him without big eyes and opened mouth? Ah? Mh?

Just like the ones I used to know

As I told the winter came suddenly. I woke up on a morning and the earth was white. I got my mom's digi cam for use and I have clicked it since then. Of course it is not same what is use a professional camera for pictures but it makes the thing.

Well anyway. The winter came suddendly but it is not leaving so suddenly. It has melted whole day today and my mom knew even that it was raining at 4 AM at night! Jee . . . Why she is not sleeping at this time? Who knows. But it made me sad it was raining again. Winter should be with snow, -5 degrees by Celsius and no wind. -15 is too much and -25 is far more than great winter weather. But I should not complain. We have +0 and it rains. Snow on the streets is black like brownies but won't tast like that. I am sure.

There is one positive thing in all of it. Christmas is comińg and they decorate city with lights. I love blue lights. When it is needed to go to work I have to pass from the park where trees are decorated with 2 diferent blue tones. Jee! I could live there! But yeah, is there snow or not; is there lights like that or not, I can't over from fact I miss summer. The time I don't have to think any study. I can just come home and lie down without feeling guilty that I am not reading or studying anything. Oh SUMMER! I'm longing you!

day for birthday

I danced today. There was coming a prety fascinating song on the radio and I was just wiggling my big bum and shaked my hands. Like Janisk (my lector of psychology) let us to know it was just relaxing from some tension I have. So . . . I just relaxed.

From what? Oh right! It was hard college day again and I am just under big pressure. Am I? Probably I am then. Or the song was just so atractive. The day itself was not so hard actually at all. It was birthday of the college. I sang! I have dreamed about singing for mass of people and it was my big day today! Happily I was not alone and others voices covered my tries but . . . . I SANG! Anyway, there has always been bunnies who want to fly. It was just my flying day and I had luck enough – nobody throw me with tomatoes or eggs. Even no snowballs was flaying on my direction.

Ah, snow! It was really great morning today! It was snowing quietly and there was some minus degrees. There were many candles in front of college building and music was playing. Some students and lectors who were standing there had torch on their hands. It gave really warm feeling inside. For a moment I felt we belong together.

After opening ceremony – some speeches, songs and encomiums we had small party-thing inside in our canteen. On the walls were lots of balloons and big table was full of little salad baskets, meat pies, hot drinks (tea and coffee) and of course really large cake. The birthday cake! They were prepared a quiz for us as well but I would like not talk about it. It means we didn’t win although Mahla and Janisk were giving most answers to us and even Kolga was shaking head when there was a question “There will seep 30 mg urine per hour into bladder. Is it true or false?” Ah, winning is not important, taking part is! (What Janisk was saying about that today??? Ah! That it is one reaction in defence mechanism – rationalization by Anna Freud. That actually we wanted to win but when we did not we say loudly we didn’t.)

Janisk is great. Today we were doing short IQ test and I was not very imbecile. 105. I can just think on my old age and dementedness. My best days are history. There were exercise “Weigh of a bottle with lemonade is 850 g. Half full bottle weighted 600 g. How much weigh just the bottle?” Bah!! I watched it like I saw first time math at all. Then I made a system of equation where bottle weigh was marked as “p” and lemonade “l”. Then I found out what “p” is and replaced it in other equation and finally got a negative answer! Now, when I was sitting here and typing the exercise I saw the beauty of the exercise and the right answer. You had just find out how much was weigh of half lemonade and then take it away from the half bottle of lemonade. 850-600=250 g and 600-250=350 g. Jee! No higher math at all.

Oh! And I am sanguine!

Happiness vol. 2

Seems that everyone knows what means happiness and I know exactly what means to not have it.

My heart is full of angush and longing. I am so damned not happy with it!

Happiness

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
Albert Camus

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Allan K. Chalmers

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.Helen Keller

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.James Oppenheim

What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.
Leo Buscaglia

"Happiness depends upon achievement of personally significant goals and leading a balanced life."
Michael from Worcestershire, England

"Happiness is the ultimate realization that everything was, and is, exactly as it should be."
Paul from The Netherlands

You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.
by Bette Davis

Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords.
Samuel Johnson

Happiness is man's greatest aim in life. Tranquility and rationality are the cornerstones of happiness.
Epicurus

Excuse for to be happy

I was reading a book yesterday. It was C.S.Lewis' book with name I can't remember just now. Something like "Simple Christianity" or "Just Christianity" . . . Ah! I had to go to check. It was "Mere Christianity" and I found from first couple page already a really deep thought what touched me.

It is true that we do things what are . . . let's say tehy look normal. Little things what are so natural for us but what we are still excusing later. We are angry at our husbands or kids because we had just hard day, we postpone things we had to do long time ago because we had just so busy period lately, our behavior with our sisters and brothers is exactly like it is because you know yourself how irritating they can be!

We have always excuses for justifying our actings. Why do we excuse them if they are so righteous? ;o) Probably because we actually know what we are doing is not right at all. But it was the thing what I wanted to write at all. I just wanted to point out that we are doing excuses only for negative things. We never try excuse things what make us happy. (So to do right we should be happy all the time!) And thats all what I want to say - find the moments in your days what have made you happy and try to keep them in your mind. Hold your mind clear and positive ;o)

I cried today. Loudly. Because Jakob called me and told he lost his keys. I cried loudly and tearsly. I was comfortless. I have to be really unhappy and upseted that I cried like that because of lost keys.

Russian fear

I don't know what means war. I have seen it on TV and read from books. But it's all nothing what means real war around you. Listening news and seeing them on TV, reading them from newspaper is painting a picture in my mind where Russia as big brown Bear skin is lying next to the colorful Europa and how it just rises his smelly forepaw and streches it over Estonia. And colorful Europa is a bit smaller again.

Marriage untill death - pink dream?

Other thing what we were talking with Margo was marriage.

I know that marriage is not holy nowdays anymore. Tendency is to have commitmentfree relationship. I come and go when I wish and I have no duties in front of my livingmate. Trial marriages. We move together to see are we for eachother or not.

I don’t understand it. Is the society causing it? Or are the people so convient that they don’t care abaut building up good and wellgoing marriage. Beside that they are just trying different partners with hope to find someone who fits to them withouth they should change theirselves to fit better into the marriage? It makes me think that I am not so pinkminded at all as they are ;o)

Everything is so wrong nowdays. And yes, it is wrong. Kids should not have sex. Youth should not have sex. Adults should not have sex. Noone should have sex without marriage. I was watching today 7th Heaven - a TV serial. The pastor was saying a young guy Robbie (who had almost to marry with a girl who he didn't love because of she was pregnant from him) that he should not sleep with every girl and that it would keep away the problems like unexpected babies and women with who he doesn't want to marry. And you know, I am 100 per cent agree with that. You have to be ready for sex and for consequenses after sex. If you are not ready for babies and marriage then just don't do that. I can understand that young men like Margo (and often alson not so young men anymore also) are thinking just with their groins. Because it is so good to have only amenities - moeny, power, sex - and that all without any duties or responsibilities.

But let the people live in their pink worlds. I do live in mine. And I have made lots of mistakes there. So I have had time to think on them and learn from them as well. Margo said: "How can you be so sure on the man in your life. They are coming and going. Do not dream." But I do dream. I know one, if I believe in something and if I am moving to my dream it will come true. And also I know that there is needed two person for marriage. Also both of of them have to want the marriage will work out.

Let's see what are saying some marriage vows:

1. I, Romeo, take you Julia, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

2. I, Romeo, take you, Julia, to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

3. I Romeo, take you Julia, to be my wife, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

In the presence of God and these our friends I take thee to be my wife, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband so long as we both shall live.

4. I, Romeo, take you, Julia, to be my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

5. I, Romeo, choose you Julia to be my wife, to respect you in your successes and in your failures, to care for you in sickness and in health, to nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.


6. I, Romeo, take you, Julia, to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the woman you will become, and falling in love a little more every day. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us.


WOW! Beautilful! And what most important, all those vows are promises about live together in good and bad times until death separates them. None of them are saying that "I promise to live with you till we see we are not suitable for eachother."

Nowdays people are not thinking about what means living together. They just move in and then will see how it everything works out. Or actually will stay till there is no sexual passion anymore and then moves apart again. Usually are they also complaining how bad person was exlifemate and how many bad habbits he/she had. And they are coplaining that all without thinking that they didn't give theirselves anything that the marriage would work out.

Marriage is partnership. And it means that it needs work. As said our beloved writter Anton Hansen Tammsaare: "Tee tööd, siis tuleb ka armastus." ("Make your work and then will come love also.") Love is not only sexual passion between couples. It is also friendship and partnership. It means that you are able to forgive and you to appologise. It means that you are sharing your happy moments as well as your sorrow. It means that sometimes you are ready to go into a chinema to watch some lovestory what your wife wishes to see and you are going to do that even you think it is wast ot time. Or that wife is ready to go watch football game together his supose althought she actually don't care about it. It means also that husband will take his wife out for dinner sometimes. And sometimes is wife waitig for man at home with candles and different food as usually to make him feel very special. That husbend will understand that sometimes his wife just needs cuddling and no sex. And that wife should understand that sometimes has her husbend also hedache. Also should the couple go on some course together to have a same hobby to tie them. And deffinatelly should a husband try to NOT SELL his old car to her wife!

One very important thing in marriage is also knowing that God will help in any sittuation. Even if you don't see any way out from hard times is God still there and waits for you to ask His help. Marriage between a woman and a man is one thing what makes God happy. And He wants to help that the marriage would succseed. I thank you, God, that you have gave me such a man as it is Derek. I know that with Your help we can have marriage what will make happy you and also both of us. Thank you for being with us. And thank you too, my sweet man that you have stayed with me during those hard and very hard times we have had. I am the most happier woman on this side of earth untill you are with me. And I am sure we have lots of years to go together if God lets us. Love you very much.

What is worth a life?

I am disturbed after talk with Margo. I knew that people can be cynical but I hoped still on my pink way that there are some love in them. I don’t want to generalise. I am sure there are enough people who are not seeing things in so desperate way as he was doing. A view as everything what you are doing has to have monetary value for you. That everything you do has to bring money into your wallet. Or that men are coming and going in your life and you can’t do anything becayse IT IS LIFE! Oh please!

IT IS NOT LIFE. Life is exactly that kind of as you will live it. If you don’t expect anything else from it and are doing everything from yourself that it would bring only money in and that your lifemates are coming and going then yes, it will be like that.


Probably is my view on the world much more pinker than is his. You know, I am even proud of that. I am 30 and I have had lots of dissapointments in my life and lots of mistakes. But all that haven’t changed my pink views. I still believe there is kindness and everlasting love and I still would like to share my money all away between different persons. If I would win with lottery I would give some money for my mom that she could pay back all her debts and could buy a new car for herself, I would help my sister to renovate her house, I would put it in some fund what would help to build and manage a school for our church, etc. Of course I won’t win. Only because I am not playing lottery ;o) But it is not important. Important is that I know I would do that without regreting. I would share even Derek's money away if he would give it to me. Quite probable that he never gives any to me ;p But I do remeber he promised to set in a charity jar where we can gather some money for sharing it later for poor people. It is good idea but it doesnt satisfy me. I want that there would be some way to help people who has no homes or food or some other thing what it is needed for cover the basic needs of lives. And help them so that it will change their lives and they can manage theirselves on human way.

I hate thinkings „Why do you want to take ppl away from the street if they want to be there.“ Oh heaven sake! Who said that they want to be there? Yes, they have lived there some time already. Yes they have used with that because they have had no other way. Yes, they may not want to take help what someone is offering to them (maybe because of proud, maybe because they afraid, maybe because they have lost hope). But I am asking from you, dear – What would you do when life brings you on the street? Would you be happy with that kind of life? Would you want to stay there and never get back a life worthy of human being?


I dont expect that ther would be much ppl who would care about others. But I know there is some of who do. And that little part of humanity is the part I want to belong. God bless those people and God bless those who are not belonging there.

I have a life now

It is the bonus of gameless life. Now it is just needed to decide what to do with the life I have.

P A N I C ! ! !

Gameless

It is my third day without games.

Actually I was one night (I mean yesterday) thinking already to install Civ III again and denay it for Derek. But I felt really bad after the tought. It is so sad how weak I can be. It is so hard to give up with pointless things and start doing something useful. Something what has meaning. I. e. to think out a project for street people to get them back into normal life, or translate biblestudy materjal for children, or excercise or whatever else.

Actually I made exercises! 15 sit-ups on the morning. And then the same for my back and then some lifts for my legs! It was even second time already. First was about 3 days before it. Now I just have to try to keep it every morning ;)

I have to make a list from stuff what are important and with point in my life. What could I do beside playing games and watching TV. How can I change my life more active.

I will do that tomorrow!

Savisaar and Savisaar?

Savisaar ??? My cousin

Lately!

I was washing a hospital room floor today. A patient sat on the edge of her bed and watched at me dragging a wet mopp over the floor.

"Are they good?" asked she.

Hmm, are they? I am effective to wet floor with that yeah. They are also easy to rip off for washing and attach later again. So yeah, they are good for me. But are they good for cleaning the floor? I really doubt in it. You take a rag just and schlep it on the floor outspreading the dirt.

I nodded.

"They came lately. They are advertizing them now everywhere."

That's a mopp. At least it is called so in estonian. I have known this since I had to start wash floors. It means about 15 years already. 15 years! And for her it is lately?!

Finally a good decison in my life

I uninstalled and delited all my games.

Yes, I did it.

I am gameless.

And yes, I am not feeling very good because of that what doesn't mean anything more than just - I am an addict. I am admitting it. And I made firts step to get rid of my addiction - I did deleted all games from my notebook. I cleaned my life from pointless, useless and timewasting things!!

I DO HAVE A LIFE NOW!

That I could fill it with new pointles, useless and timewasting things . . .

Fight

You are the biggest enemy of yourself. And the hardest one. Esoecially when you feel that you have been an emotional victim because of some close person of you. Everyone knows that fellowmen can hurt you the most and it is really difficult to forgive. The victim has been you! So forgiving will be really big victory. Victory what only you do understand and value. Noone else will understand it.

As you do for your friend, your friend will do for you. Common knowledge. So if you hurt someone or betray his/her trust you can't wait your friend will smile at you and just forgives. It is not human nature. But now . . . what should do now real christian? Even thinking on that stabs painfully in my heart. As a christian, I should not think on myself but on others. And it is still so hard. Even if I think that everything you do you do for God. But God would not hurt me or betray my trust!!!

Sixty two . . .

Writting 9 points from 20
Listening 11.875 points from 20
Reading 13 points from 20
Structure of language 9 points from 20
Verbal part 19 points from 20

So . . . What else I can say now . . . Complain? Pftttt! I could complain if i did see lots of trouble with studing. You can't wait for better result if you have opened books just night before exams. Well . . . but I do hope it is enough for me to get into the college as a midwife. So . . . I can say I AM DONE WELL!!! (but I could do better and it is bothering me.)

I don't want to complain but I am still sick of waiting results of my english exam. How long is possible to check 15 works? Yeah, waiting is not easy thing to do :(

I am so lazy. Althought I didn't study much before exam I still had energy to think on that I have to study. Now I just exist. Just a thought that I have to do something useful is draining me off. And I really do think that computer's games are from satan. They are boring and still take your time (what I could use just for sleep because it is also USEFULL doing) and I really feel mayself bad that I let it go still so. Althought I would like to put down a promise since today I wont do that but it would make me feel more bad because I do know that I wont keep it. :'(

Ah, but I can try!! I will constitute my own little organization for ppl who wants to get rid off their laziness and start doing something useful for theirselves and for others. Good good! I have already idea what to do! Now I just need to think out a name for it and then I can think on. Hmm . . . or I just go to sleep now.

School is far away . . .

Umbrage - is it a sin?

Human feelins are so hard to understand. Sometimes when you don't understand them you used to say even that they "are funny". But funny are they only because you don't understand them. Let's take a feeling like umbrage. It is negative feeling. Easy one. And it can come just from some misunderstanding. You just understood wrong what other person said and when it is not going as you expected then you get upset. And even if everyone is watching you in your umbrage and say it is so silly, you have still quite big feelings behind it. It is like mixture of pain and embarassment. Explained with other feelings . . . Like a sweet pain in your chest and you can't rid off it. Yeah, you can't. Not easily.

You do understand that it was just stupid misunderstanding. You are saying to yourself that you have expected something what was not there. That other person even didn't say anything what would let you expect what you were expecting! But you still expected . . . Whose fault is that? Of course yours. Althought that other person has always done it were your expectations exeggerated. We start too easily wait from ppl things what we should not. It should be not usual. We should be happy there are ppl around us who do things for us. Every single time with every single thing!

So you expected something. It didn't happen. You took umbrage. Later you thought on it and understood you made a mistake. So, with that you should get over of any feeling what remainds umbrage! But will you? Of course not. You start justify you being upset. "You had to right to think that the person is doing that because it has always went like that. The peron has always done it!" Pftt!

So hard are feelings of human. You have to fight with them becaus they try to barry you. You know inside that your feelings are not right but you are still feeling it. You push down the knowing that it is not right and let your selfjustification to grow. You felt bad and you have right to feel like you want. The little detail that your feeling were based on wrong expectations we just don't remaind anymore. How often we hear that "you have to think on yourself"? Easier would be to think on yourslef indeed and pout some time but isn't it waste of your time? And time of this person?

My consience is dark. Althought I have laid out everything here and things are much clearer for me now I still have a thorn in my heart. So hard is to fight with human nature. The branches have growed inside and it is so hard to strech them outside now. The Sun touches are so painful althought you know it makes only good. We should listen more often our consience - God's voice inside us.

Siga tige

My day sucks and I feel not OK. I am angry on myself that I have spoiled my day what started so happily. How could I put myself in a situation what had to finally go as it went? Jee. How stupid things can a person to do?

All started from that I wanted to go at my sister's place. Not that it would be bad. No, it is not. Just the day was wrong. I should not go there on Sabbath. And I should not go there without food I can eat either. I knew it all but I still went there. Pfftt! And if I wanted to be back for evening then I should know that it wont happen anyway. I am sad that I am so thoughtless.

I was sitting there and when it was nice and sunny day was my uncle chopping logs. I thought I should go to help him and went to set logs into woodpile. I made even Jakob to do that. And suddenly I did relize that it was Sabbath. So I was standing there logs in my hands and didn't know what to do. Till I was doubting there I still set them into the pile. I went back inside. Then they decided to start have bbq. Pfftt! I was hungry and so was Jakob. And what they did grill there then?! Ofc porkmeat and sausages. I turned around and said to Jakob we are leaving and we caught a buss back to Tartu. I did pay for bus ticket and I already knew it was Sabbath but I wanted back home. Now all what I have to do is that I live with my bad feelings what I got only because of me. I did spoil my wonderful day.

Hi La Padda of mine,

It is nice Sabbath today. Weather is sunny but not so hot because wind is cooling heating down. It is just good walking weather for try to see beauty in surrounding enviroment what the Lord has put in it. But you are not here so I am not going to have that walk. I am that kind of person who wants to share what she notices or feels when it is there. It's why noone can find me alone from some exhibitation as well.

Anyway, my morning started alright. Mom stayed overnight and you know, she was not weeping once this morning!! Just great day! She brought us at Jakob's school and after we got his certification he has finished his class we walked back to the church. We managed to get there for lessons. Afterward I called to my mom beacause I thought she is still at home. She had to go at Hanna's place because Annaliis has today party. She is fiinishing her kindergarden. Next autumn she is already a schoolgirl. I thought I can't go with her but I had time enough for that. But she left ealier than she told me so she was already on the road. Aunty Asti called later and said that mom was called to her and she was in Tartu but that it takes about hour and half from her to get ready to leave. So seems I am going with her when she is contacting with me again. And that hour and half gave me possibility to stay in the church to listen a preacher. Marge called and was there also at ten so I think it went all alright because I didn't have to leave her alone there.

Oh and guess who was preaching today! Toomas of course! He was talking about tricks and mirakles and how they are apearing in our lives and how we should react on them. We have our own David Coperfield in Estonia, you know. He is called as a "trikimees" (trickman) and Toomas was telling how he watche the show and tried to guess how he is doing those tricks. And that he noticed how the ppl there were all amazed and some of them even believed that he is so powerful she can make things to disapear and then apear again. And then he was talking about Moses and how he and his brother went to the pharaoh and made what God asked to do do (throwed sheppard stick on the ground and how it became as a snake and how pharaoh trickmen did the same; and then the bloodriver thing too). Point of it was that we should see the real mirakles among the tricks AND that we should not live only from mirakle to mirakle but that serving God should be our everydaylife and mirakles we see should just confirm our belief. And end of the preach he read couple verses from Isaiah 40. All the chapter is very good so I don't quote it here. I really dont know why she was talking about it (I had phonecall and I was out in hall during the explanation time) but the chapter touched something in me.

Anyway, the day have been good till now. I am sitting at home an waiting the phone call from my aunt. I will see you later (I don't know when) but I will ;o) Love you and miss really a lot. I do hope your day there in COLD Africa is the same good as mine here ;o)

With best wishes,
Your Princess.

NINETEEN!!!!!

Yep!! Nineteen points for verbal part of exam! I am genius!!



Pftt! Ofc it is to early to be happy for it because it was just 1/5 from whole exam and I am sure that they don't let foolish theirselves with written part. There is everything black-and-white on the paper. 5 by 20 points for every part . . .

Every point is better than nothing . . .

I know there have popped up question why am I writting in english now. Well, why not? I can wrote in estonian so it means I need practise language what I don't know so well, right? Just wait when I start write in russian or french! Ha, I can even start to do it in duch!! One day I mean. When I start study them all.

My mother language is estonian. I know it about 95 %. So if I am not perfect in my own mother language then noone can expect I would be perfect in english either, right? I can't have 100 % in english if I do not have it in estonian. Whoohooo! It means that even 90 % would be just perfect for me! And I don't need to be perfect. So lets lower per cents more. 75 Would be great! But even 60 would be good. Well, actually every point over 21 would be great! ;D

So I am the special one

Yeah, it's me. The special one for everybody. And especially special for my man. With all my special body shapes (what I want to change of course on my own special way), with my special voice tone, with my special way to look and walk, with my special way to talk in my special moods, and no moods. My special doings on my own special way. Everything in me is so deeply special that we can even say I am the specialest!

Jee. Is it really all waht do I have to say about me being the special one? Well, I really can't argue against fact that I am special. But of course I could argue about why I am special for others. Althought do I have right to say at all about how special I am for others?

So what means that being so special then? It is good question. It is even so good question that I should not even answer on that. You can't be just special. You are special for someone. So when I would start wroting how special I am for someone I should know exactly how special I am for them ;o) Isn't it like that? And how do I know how special I am for someone? RIGHT!! That someone has to tell me that. So I can't say that I am special for Marge or for Bio. I can't even say that I am special for my mom. Or can I? At least I know I am special for my man! Actually I would be really upset if I would not.

Ah, I don't even start convince myself that I am not. I AM! He loves me. With all my special ways I counted up before. I do love him on my special way too. But I am the princess so I can't show it out so clearly! Yep. But I am sure that he will understan my love when I will do once his own special pond behind our house and let him sit in it all day. What is more important then - special words or special acts to show your special love? There is saying that the deeds speak for theirselves. So special deeds will tell how special someone is for me, isn't like that? So no words needed. Let your deeds talk for you!!!!

I am the special one

Yesterday when I was waiting for my beloved one to log on MSN I saw an old friend online. Well, I do see him online a lot actually. Probably there is no time he is not online but he just don't answer. I just typed to him "Moo to you too!" because behind his name was "Moo!". Why did I typed it? Good question. And hard one too. "Why"-questions are the hardest ones. You can't just answer "yes" or "no". They mean that you watch back on your deeds and analyze them. You have to find the reason WHY you did it. And I am usually that special one who DON'T like to do that. Of Course in this place we can ask who like it then!! Well, meybe you can but not me. I know the answer - "My beloved man!" Jee, how he does like it!!!! It's why I do know so well too that "why"-question is so hard. I don't remember those discussions years back for now but they could be similars for this one:

"Why did you do that?"
"I don't know."
"How come you don't know! You did it!"
"Yes I know."
"So you had to have some reason for that. Why did you do that?"
"I don't know. I wanted to."
"You wanted to? But why?? What did it give you?"
"I don't know! Nothing I guess."
"Jee. If it didn't give nothing to you then why did you do that!?"
"Probably because he was there."
"Hmm . . . But was only he there?"
"No. Of course not."
"Why then exactly him?"
"Jee! I DON'T KNOW! He was just there!"
"Well, and those others too. So you had to pick him up on some special reason! Why him? What did you feel during that?"
"Jee, I wrote just "Moo to you back too!" That's all! What special I had to feel for that?? I just was sitting there and WAITING FOR YOU! And guess what! YOU WERE NOT THERE!! So I JUST saw his name out from others and that "Moo!" behind of it and I JUST TYPED "Moo to you back too!" So what?! Am I a criminal now?"
"Why are you upset? I just wated to know why you did it."
GRRRRRRR . . .

Yeah. So why did I do that? Who knows. I am sure there was some feelings included in. Like he meant me more than others who was oline. I were met with him twice and both times we spent together a week I guess. And then the thousands hours we have talked online. In everyday.ee server and TDZK.net server and trough the TDZK itself and trough MSN and via phone and face to face - so yeah, it gives me more reason to feel about him than the other who where online and about who I don't even know why they are on my MSN. Probably also from TDZK time - some alliancemates from who-knows-what-alliance-from. Well, and probably played that part in it that we were talking with Marge about him day before. It was about so:

"What Bio is doing?"
"I don't know. He gives never straight answer."
"Yeah, I know. But I even don't worry about him at the moment because I do know he is talking with you often and it means he is alive :)"

Probably that had part also in that i was sitting there and saying "Moo to you too!". Yeah but not about that I wanted to tell to you but about that that he answered to me today! At 10:51:13 by my PC time. Well of course I didn't want to say about that too but that he told me "Hi special one."

So I am the special one. But about that in the next blog ;)

Elu on tõesti ilus juba

Tõesti taevalik! Jõudsin koju, et tegeleda kohustustega, mis vajasid kiiret lahendust ja näe, kõik oli juba peaagu valmis. Tänu muidugi Margele ;o)

Ikkagi. Kergendus. Ja samas - mis ma siis nüüd selle äkitselt sülle sadanud vabadusega teen? Kas paneks oma idee ikka paberile? Pfftt!! Samas jälle, kuidas sa seda siin laadakäras ikka teed. Tahaks häält tõsta, aga tõenäoliselt on see siin kõik lihtsalt minu iseloomu kasvatamiseks. Olgu siis pealegi. Istume vaikselt ja mõtleme elu ilusamatele hetkedele.

***
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

Love is what makes life beautiful because God is love.

Life is beautiful if you look from God' perspective.

God is the ultimate author. Life is God's story. Your life is the most beautiful narrative ever crafted! Do you live as if it were true?

Elu on ilus - ilus on elu

Kaks täisesti erinevat väidet.
Hämmastav!
Ja mismoodi ma selle siis luuleks sean?

Sees kraabib miski nagu rott sahvris. Nii kui üritan enesesse vaadata on kiibitseja kadunud. See küll ilus ei ole. Aga ma tean, et rott on seotud onu Tommiga. Tuska teeb see komejant, mis matustel toimus. Mida oli seal siis enam halada ja kahetseda ja pisaraid valada. Elu ajal ei pandud teda ju miskiks. Tõugati aga eemal igalt poolt. Vaadake elavaid enese ümber ja elage nendega nii, et matusel ei peaks enesehaletsuses pisaraid valama - "mis ma talle küll tegin!" stiilis. Laske tal nüüd surnud olla.

Mnjah. Vat kus maailma parandaja . . . Ja kus oli mu süda siis, kui ta vastu kalapoe seina kuses?

Onu Tom

"Esiteks - ma keerasin vee kinni. Gaasiahju torud tilguvad."
"Ah nii. Ja teiseks?"
"Ja teiseks - onu Tom on surnud."
***
Kas me matustele läheme?
Muidugi! Tuleb minna.
***
Mina küll teda peale ei võta. Ma ei kannata seda vingumist: ära sõida nii ja ära sõida naa. Ma ütlen, et ma sõidan juba täna sinna! Või et ma võtan tööristada kaasa ja lähen Habda juurde pärast ning tulen alles reedel tagasi!
***
Ei. Me läheme ikka Armsa džiibiga. Hommikul kell 8 valmis olla. Ma teen soolase kringli ja rabarberi koogi. Lauda ei ole meid muidugi kutsutud. Raha polevat ja klassivennad olla kutsutud. No mis iganes, me läheme pärast Habda ja Katriini juurde, sööme kõhud täis ja siis koju.
***
Ema! Pea ennast korralikult üleval! Ära unusta, et meie valime sulle vanadekodu!
***
Ema! Ma pean autao kinni ja sa lähed metsa! ja ütleme, et umbes kell neli tuled metsast välja ja me võtame su tagasitulles peale. Aga võibolla anname hoopis gaasi, sest vaatame, et "Karu tuleb!"!"
***
Ta ütles, et tal hakkas halb. Sain justkui aru, et kõht on lahti ning et ta läks põõsaste poole. Tund aega hiljem leiti ta hoopis põllult näoli maas. Epilepsia atakk. Huvitav, et keegi teine ei teadnud tema krambitamisest midagi. Urmas küll teadis, aga mitte meie. Ta lamas näoli mullal, pulk kõhu all. Tõenäoliselt ei jõudnud ta seda hammaste vahele panna . . ."
***
Ja see mutt oli ka seal! Küllap nad seda veel kahetsevad sisemalt. Ta ju ütles ka Tõnisele, et ta ei tule enne Aasse, kui onu Tom on sealt läinud. Aga onu Tommil oli ju eluaegne elamisluba seal. See oli Emme testamendis sees. Aga nad ajasid ta sealt välja.
***
Toomas oli hella südamega mees. Ta ei kaevelnud kunagi. Aitas alati kus sai. 5-6 aastat tagasi ladus ta meil puuriida, mis seisab tänini. Tõenäoliselt seisaks ta veel ei tea kui mitukümmend aastat. Nii tegi Tom asju. Ja vaielda armastas ta. Eriti just poliitika üle. Ma arvan, et kõik, kes teada tundsid, on vaielnud temaga sel teemal. Huumori soon oli Tommil hea.
Ning teiseks tema armastatud valdkonnaks olid taimed, eriti astelpaju, millest ta võis rääkida tundide viisi. Ta istutas isegi ühe astelpajupõõsa meie naabri parki, nii rääkis ta memme ära. Ja teiseks taimeks, või puuks oli kask. Maarjakask. Seda puud armastas ta isegi nii palju, et ühel päeval tuli ta meile hulga maarjakase seemnetega, mis ta oli 800 krooni eest ostnud. Vot selline mees oli Toomas.
***
Ma arvan, et ma nägin onu Tommi reedel. Ta oli nii purjus ja kole. Ma mõtlesin, et hüüan teda. Aga ei hüüdnud. Ta oli turu juures ja pissis vastu Kalapoe seina.
***
Neid maarjakase seemneid ma isegi mäletan. Ma vaatasin, et Pille läks endast välja ja hakkas nutma, kui Kalju seda mainis. Ju ta tundis ennast seepärast halvasti. Toomas viis need Pillele, et ta need aeda istutaks. Ja Pille tõi need hiljem talle tagasi visates need köögilaule. Sel päeval onu Tom nuttis nagu laps. Leena ütles, et ta ei olnud kunagi näinud Toomast niiviisi nutmas. Onu Tom töötas ju nende juures ka nagu sulane. No nagu vana mees, kellel ei ole kusagil olla, ja tunneb, et laste juures on kõige parem. Pille ajas ta ju sealt ka ära. Just peale esimest epilepsiahoogu. Ta kartis, et viimati onu Tom sureb ära seal. Mida siis küll teha . . .
***
Ja uskumatu, ta ütles et vana Räis oli ka seal! Ma ütlesin, et mis ta ajab hullu juttu! See ei saa võimalik olla. Ma küsisin, kas Urmas ka seal oli. Ta ütles, et oli jah üks kena noorem poiss - veidikene sopsus. Ta ütles, et on tädi Anne lemmik poiss. Taevake!