Outch!

Today I got 4 sms. When I started reading those my heart jumped because first one what I read was: "I love you dearly. You are my life, my love and my heart blood. I miss you. I need you. Be good and miss me andremember I love you. I am your frog :)" I was shaking. It could not be true! I read other sms-s and... It could not be true... Those were ones I have got already. My phone operator resend all messages I had in my phone. The message was from 1st July 2006. Really bad joke... It just rip open all my fresh wounds again. I want delete everything. I want to die. Just die.. do not excist. There are so many things around me what don't let me forget. Why?

I feel so pathetic :( What should I do? I don't know... Would help me a box where I cather everything what remainds me him? Would it? All my past in a box... Oh dear heaven, let I have diabetes that I could fall in coma and die! There is anyway noone who loves me...

Just a chocolate

Nurse: Do you need something?
A man with a dropper (MWD): No-no! My neighbour wants to see her. He points at me.
Nurse: Her?
MWD: Yes, something happened there?
me: Really? What happened?
MWD: You have to go there. He smiles.
me: Alright. I smile back. He is tall man. I perceive he was a big man before they told him he has a cancer. His big nose is red and full of purple vessels. It is from chemicals what the dropper slowly leads into his body. He simles. Always. I like him a lot.
MDW: Blatts maybe... He shrugs. His eyes are blinking and I see some light there. My heart goes cold and I start worry. I stop my work in a room of procedures and turn around to go in room 8. I step into my room to get some rubber gloves.
MDW: No-no. You don't need anything. He smiles.
Me: Really? I do smile back again when I take still pair of gloves into my pocket and holding other pair on my hand. I afraid his neighbour a bit. He is serios high and skinny man who never smiles. I afraid he even don't like me. I eneter into the rroom and stop in front of his bed.
me: Hi, how can I help? He just glares at me. Did I do something wrong? What could it be.. Dear heaven, stop glaring at me and say something! He doesn't. He opens just a drawer and takes from there a small plastic bag with something wrapped into a newspaper... What's now? He wants me unwrap his book? Alright. I can do that. He gives it to me.
Neighbour of MWD: For you. He sets his head back on his pillow. Huh?!
me: Thank you. Thank you very much! I watch at MWD. Dear man! Why did you scare me like taht? He smiles. I laugh.

Dear heaven! And I thought he hates me. He has never smiled at me. He has never told me any friendly word. But something I did made him feel he wants to thank me. I am happy. Oh, not because of chocklat what was in the bag. I am happy that something I did made him feel good. It is the heartfelt something why I love my job. I don't need gifts. It's enough when you got a smile or hug or wishper what asks me to come visit him/her after they are leaving from clinic. It is that great feeling you get from knowing someone felt better or happier because you had time for him/her.

The pain

No-no-no! I am not going to fall in depression again. It has to be clear. Ja, everything around me reminds my broken heart. Even the bills I began take to get a baby I wanted. I can't drop them yet. But yeah... life goes on.

No-no-no! I am not going to get bitter also. I am not going to fall in blamings like "whole men bla-bla-bla" because of something what one of them did to me. Not everyone will betray your loyalty. I am not going that way! I am just not. It doesn't mean I want it so much. It just doesn't help. I am not going to make the Earth more negative it already is. I am on common sense and know that all of it will pass. I will feel again OK. It is just a pain.

It just takes time. It just takes time... I have to learn with the pain. It won't go away. I just get used with it. It will be part of my soul and how I deal with it will make me a better person or worse. I will take it as a positive lesson. I can't see why it had to go like that now but I will see that in a 5 years. And then I can watch back and say "Thank for heaven that it went like that." I know that it will be like that!!

Just so damned hard is now...

I have to deal with the pain. I need time for blamings and grieving. I just have to do something the time would go quicker. Once what is sure I have to walk so much as I can considering yesterday when I set myself into danger yesterday with my car. I can do that. I just wont drive outside of the town myself it is needed. Inside of the town I can walk. That's the deal! And I will start eat. It's sure I have to do. Maybe I should through away my pate sandwich I made day after yesterday and make new one. If it would look more tasty I could eat it. Jee... I destroy my health. No-no-no! NO! I will strat eat! I'll get up early on the morning tomorrow and make some porridge... AA! And I am going back to my dutch classes even it reminds me my pain again. I just take it a challange for my future life. And maybe I still go to Africa in future... Let's see what plans have God for me. Although Anne suggested spanish as well... Maybe I should... Well, dutch first. It ends soon and I have paid for that! So it means I have to finish my coffee quickly and start going. Hopfully Sebastian doesn't make faces because I haven't showd mine there already 2 weeks... Soooooo, hallo dutch again!

And goodbye the pain! Soon you will be just a part in me and positive part ;o) I will get used with you and then... THEN I can live again!!!

Find a friend!!!

Wednesday about 3 PM:

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! The phone does not answer.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! The phone does not answer.

:/

**********

About 6 PM:

Ring! Ring! Ring!

- Annika!! So nice you called me back. I thought it is an ignore-Heleri-day already!
- Hei, Sorry for that. I really wanted to answer but I was in op. block, I just couldn't do that.
- Ah, and you are at work now?
- Nope, now I am going to visit my mom, she has birthday. Why are you asking?
- Weep! I wanted to do something together you.
- Really! I will be back tomorrow. And what would you like to do?
- I don't know. Was thinking to have walk with you. What are you doing usually?
- Sitting at home. So many things is needed to do. Translating and helthy seminar on this Sabbath and..
- Healthy seminar?
- Yes, so many people have back out of it. Now I have just Kärt for starting and finishing, Annemai for half seminar slideshow and me... and you. You have talked before too and you did it well. Maybe you can do that?
- Me? Are you grazy? My life is not in condition to step out for public! What should I do there...?
- I have translated a slideshow. You just have to talk about it a bit.
- Hmm... I don't know. Well, you can send it to me and I will check it out. BUT! You will be my friend then!
- I am!!
- No-no-no! You will be my REAL FRIEND!!
- I will! What do I have to do?
- Visit me!
- I will! I like visiting people! Thats all?
- I'll visit you!
- Oh, great!
- And we are going to walk together!
- Lovely!
- And you will come with me at a sport club!
- Me? I have harldy power to climb up into my apartmaent...
- I know. Me too ;o) It is why we are going turn up in sport club.
- I would like swimming. I have thought about that...
- Hmm... swimming is good too... Anyway, send me the slideshow and I will check it. I am not saying I will do that but... I will see you on Friday at church. Then we talk? Right?
- Right! I will send the file then.
- Bye, see you on friday.
- See you then.

***********************

Today, on Friday at 7.20 PM about:

- Hi friend!
- Hi yeah. Now I am friend... But before! You even didn't watch at me! Pout!
- Hei, I am your friend! Pastor called and told me no health seminar this weekend. It will take place in aprrill the 5th.
- Oh great. I could not be ready for tomorrow!
- So you are going to do that. Well, I can ;o)
- Friends!
- Friends ;)

***********************

The mission completed!

Debrekas

I was standing in front of a mirror today and said hi to myself. Yeah... Hi you there. The Monstrosity. Ugly, old and alone. Some mirakle then noone loves me. And I can sit and dream how much I wish about my beloved man cuddling and holding me when we are watching out from window how the winter rain makes its job. Yeah... I am missing some warmth words from someone who really cares about me but I will never get it. It is like revenge that I have had so envy with those same words. Real monstrosity. The Monstrosity who has stayed up already for 42 hours. Probably it has made me more sensitive. More receptive for feelings what have caught me.

Well... at least there is everything alrite with my studies. Maybe some problems with duch course but it comes only because I joined witht the group so late and I have to make back all the monthses they have studied it already. But! What els I have to do than study? To think on that how ugly and unloved and alone I am? Yeah, as we can see I have even time for that.

It is just so hard to accept the knowledge that all good things will pass and some of them never return. If I could just open my chest and throw awa my silly heart to feel nothing for changes. On the moments like that I would like to ask "Why, God? Why?" But I never will do that.

The truth of love?

You built up your life on so big and beutiful feeling like it is love. Isn't it great? I think it is. Especially when you believe that love may win every obstrucktion on your way. You make plans for your future with your beloved one. You dream about life together and what all will be there - an house and children and pets and lots of love and caring and respect. And you believe it all in earnest because there have been so many failures on the way to the real happines and you and your love have lived them all over. So the big and powerful feeling love seems just unbeatable.

And then you woke up on a mornig and something rasps your heart. Suddenly you feel that everything has changed. Your beloved one haven't showed up he caring about you already long time. YOu wrote it on the hard times and showed up more love. BUt nothing changes. YOu feel day by day that you are not needed anymore. That you are like unpleasend trash who is still there and you stay waiting the day you'll get throwed away. Do you? Should you?

Well... It happens if you love. It happens when you build up everything on love. Because it is just a feeling. Didn't you know the feelings can CHANGES? Oh yes we knew. But we believed it won't happen with us! Well... we know as well that time will heal all cuts as well. Does it help now?

I wanted more I had. I lost everything.

Topic like some lines from a song. Still, it seems like the song in my life at moment. Maybe my grief is too big now to see the good things what have happened to me, I don’t know that. I am angry and dissapointed and confused and thinking all the time I have to be supportive. But how can I be supportive when I want to curl up in bed and scream?

But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...

And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.

But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.

I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!

Words are birds

Weird how much is possible to hurt with words. And it is also wierd that when we are in the same situation we all act the same. If you get hurt you are upset with the hurter but in oposite situation you never think you words can hurt others.

In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.

Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.

I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy. I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are.

I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.

Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.

Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry

Hidden pain

I am broken. I am bleeding and tired and down. I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!

I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others. To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?

I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...

I cried today. Loudly. Because Jakob called me and told he lost his keys. I cried loudly and tearsly. I was comfortless. I have to be really unhappy and upseted that I cried like that because of lost keys.

Siga tige

My day sucks and I feel not OK. I am angry on myself that I have spoiled my day what started so happily. How could I put myself in a situation what had to finally go as it went? Jee. How stupid things can a person to do?

All started from that I wanted to go at my sister's place. Not that it would be bad. No, it is not. Just the day was wrong. I should not go there on Sabbath. And I should not go there without food I can eat either. I knew it all but I still went there. Pfftt! And if I wanted to be back for evening then I should know that it wont happen anyway. I am sad that I am so thoughtless.

I was sitting there and when it was nice and sunny day was my uncle chopping logs. I thought I should go to help him and went to set logs into woodpile. I made even Jakob to do that. And suddenly I did relize that it was Sabbath. So I was standing there logs in my hands and didn't know what to do. Till I was doubting there I still set them into the pile. I went back inside. Then they decided to start have bbq. Pfftt! I was hungry and so was Jakob. And what they did grill there then?! Ofc porkmeat and sausages. I turned around and said to Jakob we are leaving and we caught a buss back to Tartu. I did pay for bus ticket and I already knew it was Sabbath but I wanted back home. Now all what I have to do is that I live with my bad feelings what I got only because of me. I did spoil my wonderful day.