In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside
yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.
I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy.
I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are. I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then
I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.
Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry
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