The youth week of prayer 2008 - Lord of the Towel

When Kärt first told to us about it on a youth evening was Toomas' first question "How is it called in english?"

T: Why not "Two Towels" then already?
K: Or "The brotherhood of the Book"?

Yeah, laugh. We did as well. There popped up several ideas how could the journal be called more. But the point of all is that the week of prayer has started and in the end of it we have to tell to our congrecation what did we read and did. So I try to post every day a story we read althought in our schedule we took them through quicker ;o) We are just too busy to get together every night.

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Keeping it Real
Maria Dunchie

Many of us know about Jesus. We can name his birthplace; list the miracles he performed; tell His life-story; but can we call Him our close personal friend? The pages of this Youth Week of Prayer issue are filled with stories about Jesus, Lord of the Towel, which we hope and pray will help to draw each person into a closer and more personal relationship with Jesus. God did not include these events in the Bible just for us to have a good story to read, these experiences reveal Jesus’ character to us.

It’s always God’s nature to always want to do what is best for us, that’s why during this special week of spiritual emphasis we will see Jesus becoming human in the 1st Sabbath’s lesson, Glory to Glory. On Sunday we will see him turning the water into wine in Always the Best. Then Monday in Tried and True we learn about relational challenges, and that continued spiritual growth rests on putting aside personal pride and ideals, and engaging with God in ways that are real, like helping the needy and leading others to Jesus.

Tuesday, Day 4, through the shocking, unconventional, and even embarrassing encounter with a Samaritan woman who came to draw water from the well, Joanna Poddar’s Walking the Walk gives us a glimpse real relations. Then in Wednesday’s lesson, True Freedom, Becky De Oliveira reminds us that we are all different, and that it’s okay to be different as long as we can embrace those differences. In this lesson we see Jesus casting out demons and cultural traditions.

Trevor Young’s No Favorites Here on Thursday reminds us that with Jesus, everyone is treated equally; with him there is no regard for status, Jesus is no respecter of persons, he heals every class.

When Jesus came, he created a new relationship between God and us; a behavioral change. As Christians we are part of that new relationship and are expected to
live it. One of these events in the life of Jesus was the foot-washing service he had with his disciples. Many of us participate in the footwashing ordinance, but do we really understand the meaning and culture of foot-washing? Beth Holford helps us re-examine the real meaning of foot-washing in Friday’s lesson, Scandalous!

Calvary is the ultimate price simply because of the Man of Calvary, Jesus—Lord of the Towel. In Calvary, the final lesson (2nd Sabbath); Gifford Rhamie takes us back to where Jesus paid the ultimate price on our behalf.

It is our It is our hope that this youth week of prayer and spiritual emphasis will push you in areas you have never gone before, cause you to ask more questions than you have answers for, and be the beginning of a life-changing experience for you and those who will attend your meetings. God bless you!

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1. Glory to Glory
Jesus Became Human

Victor Hulbert

Luuka 1:26-38; 2:1-20

There are some vacations that really stand out from others, like the year our family went to Northern Portugal. We rented a luxury villa which had been converted from an old watermill. With its swimming pool; barbeque and large rooms full of antiques, it was a cool place to come back to each day after exploring the national parks, the ancient towns, historic castles, churches and, quite naturally with a family of teenagers, after making the most of local restaurants, kayaking down rivers, swimming in lakes and hiking in the mountains.

One of the trips we enjoyed most was a visit to the Gerés national park near the northern border with Spain. It is a beautiful area and ideal for off-road vehicles. We didn’t have one, but we had a brand new minibus, and so, egged on by my two sons we drove down tracks where no van had gone before and even got to a ramshackle bridge where my wife insisted on getting out of the van before we crossed it.

Fairly high up in the mountains, just a couple of kilometres before the track became totally impassable, we stopped to admire a herd of goats being looked after by two shepherds at the side of the road. In the hot Portuguese sunshine it seemed like a care-free job – sitting on a rock and watching the goats munch their way across the hillside. A relaxed life – so much slower and more tranquil then most of us are used to.

However, during our conversation with them we discovered that the apparently tranquil life has its scary moments. In the evenings, after most tourists have headed back towards the restaurants, the wolves usually descend from their mountain top lairs in search of food, with goat’s meat definitely on the menu. In
fact, just a day before we got there, a pack of wolves had struck in the very same area and managed to secure a meal. This caused my over-adventurous boys to go wolf hunting when we got to the top of the mountain. I’m very grateful to say
they weren’t successful.

I think it’s probably very hard for most of us to imagine what the life of a shepherd is like. It was lovely on the day we were there in Gerés, with the sun out, blue skies and a gentle breeze. Yet they lived in primitive huts on the mountain side – and I’m sure that in the rain – or in the snow, their lives were not always as idyllic as it seemed then.

Looking at them standing there it struck me that their lives were probably not much different from those of the shepherds of Bible times. Substitute wolf for lion or bear and you have the story of young David, tending his flocks on the
hillsides outside Bethlehem.

You’ll remember what he said to King Saul—“I’ve been a shepherd, tending sheep for my father. Whenever a lion or bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I’d go after it, knock it down, and rescue the lamb. If it turned on me, I’d grab it by the throat, wring its neck, and kill it. Lion or bear, it made no difference—I killed it. And I’ll do the same to this Philistine pig who is taunting the troops of God-Alive.”1

You’ll remember too that it was this same shepherd boy, the youngest of Jesse’s sons, who was the one chosen by God to be king. The youngest and the simplest, chosen for great things.

That’s one of the things that surprise me again and again in the Bible- a simple hand-maiden helping Namaan to be healed from Leprosy; a nervous farmer
named Gideon, leading 300 men to victory, and a young Hebrew boy, although a captive in a strange land, nevertheless standing up for what was right and in the process becoming a prominent leader of Babylon and a prophet who would
foretell world history.

A similar thing happened on a hillside in Bethlehem. God’s glory and purpose were not revealed to the learned professors in Jerusalem University, but to shepherds sitting around a campfire, tending to their flocks. In Bethlehem this was a normal practice for shepherds- camping out with the flocks and keeping an eye on them. Campfires are always special to me. I love them. At youth retreats and summer camps, the campfire somehow always seems to conjure up a special atmosphere as we sit around staring at the flickering shapes in the red ash, baking bread on a stick or toasting marshmallows. Relaxing around a campfire is a good time and place for deep conversations.

The shepherds had plenty of time for conversation and shared common interests. Ellen White states, “In the fields where the boy David had led his flock, shepherds were still keeping watch by night. Through the silent hours they talked together of the promised Saviour and prayed for the coming of the King to David’s throne.”2 Little did they realise that their prayers were about to be answered. What happened next was the biggest shock of their lives.

“Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified.”3

This was no flaring up of the fire. The picture here harks back to an Old Testament image of Moses, standing on Holy Ground at the burning bush, terrified, but commissioned to do God’s bidding. It reminds us of the fear the Israelites had some time later as they gathered at the foot of Sinai and the mountain shook and God’s voice thundered forth; Joshua outside of Jericho, and Gideon on the threshing floor. These encounters can be unnerving. God’s presence – his glory was there – a glory that so scared the Israelites at Sinai that (they asked for it to go away) – for it just to be Moses who spoke with God – that he then relay the message to them. However, this was not a night for fear – but a night for Good News and rejoicing. The angel spokesman – and I am sure the shepherds were glad there was only the one of them at first – speaks words of reassurance:

“Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Saviour has just been born in David’s town, a Saviour who is Messiah and Master.”

Suddenly the heavens are alight with a brightness which alarms the shepherds. They do not know the reason for this grand display. At first they do not discern the myriads of angels that are congregated in the heavens. The brightness and glory from the heavenly host illuminate and glorify the entire plain. While the shepherds are terrified at the glory of God, the leading angel of the throng quiets their fears by revealing himself to them, saying, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” (Luke 2:10-14, NIV)

As their fears are dispelled, joy replaces astonishment and terror. They could not, at first, bear the radiance of the glory which attended the whole heavenly host. Only one angel appears to the gaze of the watching shepherds, to dissipate their
fears and make known their mission. As the light of the angel encircles them, the glory rests upon them, and they are strengthened to endure the greater light and glory attending the myriads of heavenly angels.

The shepherds can hardly believe their ears. They know the prophecies such as Micah 5:2 (NIV) “But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the
clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.”

They know the prophecy – but for it to be happening now – for it to be announced to them! It was just amazing!

But that was just the beginning. Not only are they given the Good News, but they are given directions so that they can be the first witnesses of God becoming man.
“This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”

Then the angels just can’t restrain themselves. The shepherds are stunned, but the angels are just as amazed, possibly even more so as they have seen so many years of watching God’s plan for saving mankind being turned from promise to reality. Seeing the Jesus they worship and adore becoming a tiny cell in a mother’s womb and then develop to this moment of wonder. They cannot hold back any more but call out, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favour rests.”

Think about those words for a minute. They are really hard to fathom! “Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace!” Think of it. The last 2000 years were anything but peaceful. The last time I sat in Manger Square in Bethlehem, there were Israeli soldiers in wire cages, ready to clear the square at a moment’s notice of trouble. Today there is a big security wall separating Jerusalem and Bethlehem. It is an area of tension rather than of peace.

Yet on the hillside the angels sang “Peace on earth!”

Peace – when within a short time – Herod would wreak mass murder in order to try and kill the infant Jesus. Peace – when Satan would persecute Jesus his entire life. Peace – when Calvary and a cross would be the fate of the Saviour.

Isaiah had predicted that the Messiah would be the Prince of Peace but if the shepherds could see through history they might have found such words hard to believe. But look at the story from the perspective of those singing this mighty song.

As they look down, they see an earth that has been at war with God. They see the wickedness that has been taking place, but they know of the love of God, and how
he wants to bring this fallen world back into his family. And so they can sing, “Glory to God in the highest” for it is God who is taking the initiative here. The mighty God, the prince of peace, attacking the enemy in the least expected way.
The writer of Hebrews actually explains it from the angel’s perspective: (But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels for the suffering of death, crowned with glory and honour; that he by the grace of God should taste death for every man. For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.

It is an incredible act that the powerful God of the universe makes himself lower than the angels. That he becomes a man, living, laughing and suffering with us, ultimately experiencing death in every person’s place. The Message Bible translates Jesus’ title in this verse as the “Salvation Pioneer.” The glory the angels are singing about is not just for Jesus, the angels are looking ahead to a promise that is for all of us and he brings “many sons unto glory”. That means me! It is an amazing gift.

Philippians 2:6-8 says: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!

In JRR Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy we see the beauty of the story not in the mighty battles, but in the simple struggle of a young hobbit to defeat evil. Against all the odds he aims to bring peace to middle earth, not by fighting, but by throwing the accursed ring of power into the “crack of doom”.

Jesus threw himself into this world’s “crack of doom”, landing where Satan least expected him and battling not with might and power, but with love. The angels can sing “Glory to God in the highest” as this is the only way Satan can be defeated when the whole universe sees that God is just and right—and can bring peace rather than disharmony.

That presents me with a challenge. Commenting on this passage Ellen White states, “Jesus took the nature of humanity, in order to reveal to man a pure, unselfish love, to teach us how to love one another.” I am convinced that those shepherds were changed men after their visit from the angels and with Jesus. I am equally convinced that my life will change as I recognise the magnificent gift God gave me from glory.

Heaven and earth are no wider apart today than when shepherds listened to the angels’ song. Humanity is still as much the object of heaven’s solicitude as when common men of common occupations met angels at noonday and talked with the heavenly messengers here on earth. To us in our common walks of life, heaven may be very near.

1. 1 Samuel 17:34-36 (MESSAGE)
2. Desire of Ages, p 47.
3. Luke 2:9 (MESSAGE)
4. Luke 2:10-11 (MESSAGE)
5. The Spirit of Prophecy 2, p 18.
6. Luke 2:12 (MESSAGE)
7. Luke 2:14 (ANIV)
8. Isaiah 9:6
9. Hebrews 2:9-10 KJV
10. Philip. 2:6-8 NIV
11. 5BC 1126.1
12. Desire of Ages p 48

1000 years

On the morning in the Sabbath school notified Toomas us that he will be there as a "tabula rasa". It had to mean that he had a plan to not talk much during the study. Hmmm... white sheet. I have thought sometimes I would like to have Toomas at home. You know, like a fidge or TV in a corner. Or actually like a Bibel on my desk. I have often questions for what I need answers but finding them took too much time. So easy would be ask then from him and get answers without googling or looking up from Bible. But ibidem why not become as Toomas?


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I had Bible study today again and we were talkling about the Second Coming of Jesus. It was oppressive. Well, not the point He is coming but some other thought I got from there...

About the lesson:

Jesus comes again and it happens soon. The good promise has always filled God's loyal people with glory. It's an event what ends the history of this World. But some of us afrain the end of it. The Bible says:

"And they shall go into the holes of the rocks, and into the caves of the earth, for fear of the LORD, and for the glory of his majesty, when he ariseth to shake terribly the earth. In that day a man shall cast his idols of silver, and his idols of gold, which they made each one for himself to worship, to the moles and to the bats; To go into the clefts of the rocks, and into the tops of the ragged rocks, for fear of the LORD, and for the glory of his majesty, when he ariseth to shake terribly the earth." Isaiah 2:19.21

The Second Coming of Jesus will be the event what everyone sees. There will happen big earthquakes and there will sound the angels' shout what everybody will hear.

"And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places." Revelation 6:14

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." 2 Peter 3:10

"I beheld the earth, and, lo, it was without form, and void; and the heavens, and they had no light. I beheld the mountains, and, lo, they trembled, and all the hills moved lightly. I beheld, and, lo, there was no man, and all the birds of the heavens were fled. I beheld, and, lo, the fruitful place was a wilderness, and all the cities thereof were broken down at the presence of the LORD, and by his fierce anger." Jeremiah 4:23-26

The verses say that the atmosphere what rounds the Earth will vanish. It means there is not possible to live anymore and there will be dark and quiet. The Bible says it will last 1000 years. 20th chapter in the Revelation's book is talking about that. Rev. 20:6 metions the first resurrection ("Blessed and holy is he that hath part in the first resurrection: on such the second death hath no power, but they shall be priests of God and of Christ, and shall reign with him a thousand years.") But if there will be the first resurrection then there will be also the second one. As Jesus told by John 5:28,29

"Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice, and shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life; and they that have done evil, unto the resurrection of damnation."

Like Revelation 20:6 is saying that People who will get part of the first resurrection they will live 1000 years together Christ. But rest of them...

"But the rest of the dead lived not again until the thousand years were finished. This is the first resurrection." Revelation 20:5

It should make clear that 1000 years of reign will take part between the first resurrection for holy ones and the second resurraction for evil ones. But how looks like the first resurrection for holy?

"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:16,17

The resurrected and changed holies will join with Jesus and His angels. The promise says:

"Simon Peter said unto him, Lord, whither goest thou? Jesus answered him, Whither I go, thou canst not follow me now; but thou shalt follow me afterwards." John 13:36

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:1-3

By Revelation 20:6 raign resurrected together Jesus whole 1000 years. But how react the evil ones, it means those who have despise God's love and who have choosen to live in sins and rebelation against God?

"And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?" Revelation 6:14-17

On the day when the holies' heart will get filled with glory and happiness on this day will fall upon evils fear and death. God has warned humans thousands years before it. What is the wages of sin?

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23

"Come near, ye nations, to hear; and hearken, ye people: let the earth hear, and all that is therein; the world, and all things that come forth of it. For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll: and all their host shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree /.../ For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance, and the year of recompences for the controversy of Zion." Isaiah 34:1-4,8

Lets take it shortly together now:
1. Jesus will come back,
2. the holies will get resurrected,
3. the living holies bodies will get changed,
4. all holies will be pulled up to the heaven
5. the evils will die and sleep 1000 years

Will there be life on the Earth during the 1000 years?

"I beheld the earth, and, lo, it was without form, and void; and the heavens, and they had no light. I beheld the mountains, and, lo, they trembled, and all the hills moved lightly. I beheld, and, lo, there was no man, and all the birds of the heavens were fled. I beheld, and, lo, the fruitful place was a wilderness, and all the cities thereof were broken down at the presence of the LORD, and by his fierce anger. For thus hath the LORD said, The whole land shall be desolate; yet will I not make a full end. For this shall the earth mourn, and the heavens above be black; because I have spoken it, I have purposed it, and will not repent, neither will I turn back from it." Jeremiah 4:23-28

So the Satan has no work. There will be noone who he could cheat. He has to be 1000 years alone on the Earth. "And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years, and cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season." Revelation 20:1-3 Can you image 1000 years in darkness?

And what are doing the holies during the 1000 years is told in Revelation 20:4 "And I saw thrones, and they sat upon them, and judgment was given unto them: and I saw the souls of them that were beheaded for the witness of Jesus, and for the word of God, and which had not worshipped the beast, neither his image, neither had received his mark upon their foreheads, or in their hands; and they lived and reigned with Christ a thousand years."

God will give to holies possibility to check evils' lives that everyone could be sure the God has been righeous with everybody. When everyone will be sure in it the evils will get destroyed. God wount doubt in his desicion but He wants that everyone do understand it and would be agree.

After 1000 years will come Jesus back again. We can call it as the third coming of His. "But the rest of the dead lived not again until the thousand years were finished. This is the first resurrection /.../ And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison" (Revelation 20:5,7) The glory of God will light the Earth and evils will hear explanation of God, why they have to die. Everybody will hear it.

"Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:9-11

"And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them." Revelation 20:9

"For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly, shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch. /.../ And ye shall tread down the wicked; for they shall be ashes under the soles of your feet in the day that I shall do this, saith the LORD of hosts." Malachi 4:1,3

"Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness." 2 Peter 3:13

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4

...

Hi J,

I am broken. Yeah, I know You have listen me already long time saying that. But my feelings are confusing me. One moment I am happy and in other moment in tears again. I have tried to peek behind my feelings. Behind the pain but it hurts. And do you know what hurts me the most?! It is that I can't be honest even in my pain...

I do feel the pain! I really do!! You have to belive that. Just I don't know do I feel the pain because of my broken heart. It is like spooky thought inside me what wails there and tells me terrible things I don't want to listen. Those are not honorable thoughts at all. They will take the honorable stage of sufferer from me and replaces it with monstrassity. It tells me that I have never loved anyone else than just myself. That I am crying not because I lost someone but because my EGO got destroyed. Do you, J., think that also? It can be true, you know ;o( But I don't want to admit it because it makes me look like a cold heartless b**ch. But I do have a heart! I do feel! I am sad... So sad... I feel terrible wish to drop everything and just curl up in a corner and never come out from there. Please J., don't let me to do that.. I want to care about people around me, I want to care about things around me. I want to care about my studings! Please, what should I do...

I feel sick. I need to go to loo...

H.

Find a friend!!!

Wednesday about 3 PM:

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! The phone does not answer.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! The phone does not answer.

:/

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About 6 PM:

Ring! Ring! Ring!

- Annika!! So nice you called me back. I thought it is an ignore-Heleri-day already!
- Hei, Sorry for that. I really wanted to answer but I was in op. block, I just couldn't do that.
- Ah, and you are at work now?
- Nope, now I am going to visit my mom, she has birthday. Why are you asking?
- Weep! I wanted to do something together you.
- Really! I will be back tomorrow. And what would you like to do?
- I don't know. Was thinking to have walk with you. What are you doing usually?
- Sitting at home. So many things is needed to do. Translating and helthy seminar on this Sabbath and..
- Healthy seminar?
- Yes, so many people have back out of it. Now I have just Kärt for starting and finishing, Annemai for half seminar slideshow and me... and you. You have talked before too and you did it well. Maybe you can do that?
- Me? Are you grazy? My life is not in condition to step out for public! What should I do there...?
- I have translated a slideshow. You just have to talk about it a bit.
- Hmm... I don't know. Well, you can send it to me and I will check it out. BUT! You will be my friend then!
- I am!!
- No-no-no! You will be my REAL FRIEND!!
- I will! What do I have to do?
- Visit me!
- I will! I like visiting people! Thats all?
- I'll visit you!
- Oh, great!
- And we are going to walk together!
- Lovely!
- And you will come with me at a sport club!
- Me? I have harldy power to climb up into my apartmaent...
- I know. Me too ;o) It is why we are going turn up in sport club.
- I would like swimming. I have thought about that...
- Hmm... swimming is good too... Anyway, send me the slideshow and I will check it. I am not saying I will do that but... I will see you on Friday at church. Then we talk? Right?
- Right! I will send the file then.
- Bye, see you on friday.
- See you then.

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Today, on Friday at 7.20 PM about:

- Hi friend!
- Hi yeah. Now I am friend... But before! You even didn't watch at me! Pout!
- Hei, I am your friend! Pastor called and told me no health seminar this weekend. It will take place in aprrill the 5th.
- Oh great. I could not be ready for tomorrow!
- So you are going to do that. Well, I can ;o)
- Friends!
- Friends ;)

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The mission completed!

I am blonde. Am I?

I came from work on the morning. It was sunny day and I felt smelly and sweaty. I hurried home to have shower. I am quite techy and don't like have shower at work. Whatever how long I clean the room first I can't over from feeling there are billion bacters what other personnel have left there. Yuki! If I have no choice then I make sure that I never have to step barefoot on the floor there and that I should never touch or lean against any wall. Anyway, it all is really constrictive.

So I had shower at home. After that I sat in armchair and was enjoying the sun what shined inside. I was thinking about what should I do with my hair. Should I cut them short? Or maybe I sould try permanet waves before? Or maybe should I let them to dye? Hmmm... and what color then? Blonde? Red? Dark? I have never been anything else than blond. Maybe I should try something else...

Naah, I am not going to have any damage to them. They shined so golden in sun beams. I tried to get some picture about the golden shine but... Yeah, watch my face. I am not happy how they look on pictures. Not blond at all. More like red... Does it matter at all. It took couple years to get rid off my last perms so let it be like that for while. Let I be normal and rare on the streets ;o)

For better future

Good-good-good! I feel my brain is clear today and I can't feel my heart. But let's don't make illusion. I'm not over my broken heart yet. I know now that there can be moments I feel nothing but they are coming and going so it may be just one of those clear moments. But... I have found the way how to work by the better future.

Let's see then... I need a friend. I mean a REAL frien who I can visit and who will visit me. Then I need to finish my studings. It will be long time I know but... I am ready to do that. Well... Since I am not going to Africa now I don't need my duch course so I should stop troture myself. Or... well, I should not bury my thoughts about Africa. I finish my studings in 4 years and for this time I will be healed from heart-broken-being so I can still go there. Jaa... maybe I should continue still with my duch course... Well, I will think on that. Anyway, then I should finish my article about the book I read. It should be sent already... And then I have to think about the column there as well what I had to began edit in the journal. Ta-ta-taaa! I should start write quickly because I may forget my good thoughts. Ah, then I should talk to my boss about how I can use my new knowledges about how to quit smoking at my work. What else.... AA! I have to buy a bicycle. And then I have to turn up in a sport club... Well, right, I had to begin with swimming... Hmm, it is good idea as well.

.... we are fighting for the health of smokers!

It is over and when I have time I comment it what we did there. Today I ma to tired for that. But...

I am a counselor!

Youth evening

We were talinga about somethig but I forgot what was it... Well, I was away in my mind. But I remember that Toomas told me he wants to quit smoking and asked what he has to do. When I told to him that he has to smoke at least 2 weeks before he wasn't happy at all. You know... non-smoker's stuff...

We are not fighting against smoking....

Day 1st: What is smoking? And how give up with it?

Ok, I did register last month on dwo-day course of "Indignation of smoking consultants" (In case I did translate it wrong then it should mean I will be once a person who can advise smoker to give up with their habbit what kills... if not them then others around them). Today was first day... My head is full of new knowledges and I watch every smoker in the streets like potential murderers. I have really big desire take their sigarets and stromp on them! But as our lector said, it is normal...

First: Why did I turn in my name into the course?

I have smoked 15 years. I did stopped about 3 years because I just didn't want anymore. Got enough. But maybe it could be because of some disease and my organism couldn't maintain the poisons and nicotine I got from cigaretts. But it is not important at all. I am just working in cancer clinicum and arund me are so many people who owe a penny for death and they still smoke. It is just absurd and I would like to find a way to help them. If not to give up with smokes then at least to explain to them what means smoking at all for them and for others around them. Also once I will become as a midwife and I am not so blue eyed that I could believe all future mothers don't smoke! So... I just want to heal the world! Again...

And next: What had doctor Ülle Ani to say..

The lecture started with statistic. Seems that it is common methot for nonplus auditor. I didn't petrified. She told that 1.1 billion (I doubt in the number actually because there should be already almost 7n billion human beings on the world so 1/3 of it should be about 2,33 billions but what do I know about that...;o)) human beings smoke in whole world. It is 1/3 from whole human race on the Earth. I didn't amaze probably only because I am not able to image so many people together. ... and that they can light their cigaretts what all will smoke and will poison other 2/3 of human race on the Earth.

Why are they doing that then. Well, I got to know how the addiction works. Since I am exsmoker myself I can see it clearer now. I faild so many times with quiting smokes. Actually I am angry I did have the information about 20 years ago. It could give me possiblility to belong into non-smokers and I mean under non-smokers men and women who have never destroyed their health with smokes. I would like to scream "What have I done!?!?!" because I know that all healthproblems I ever will get can be caused because of smoking and doing that during the time when my body was still in progress phase!

So... How does it work?

Nicotine works in your brain. Nicotine is extremely addictive because when you to ingest it then it will increase the natural release and levels of serotonin, dopamin, and norepinephrine in your brain. It acts as a stimulant by increasing adrenaline production what increases blood pressure and heart rate. You feel you are powerful, your brain and memory work with better efficientcy and you don't even understand that it does that during very short timeperiod. So you need more and more to feel better again. Especially hard is when you wish to quite but withrawal symptoms makes you live in hell.

You suck in your first lungfull nicotine and your brain will get basically overdose of it. Your brain maintain it with producing more nicotine receptors. And you give more and more nicotine for your brain because all those receptors shout into your ear they need nicotine and you overdose it again and your brain will produce MORE receptors of nicotine what shout louder "Give me nicotine!" and you are in magic circle what can sound intresting but is not so intresting at all when you are in it. Every time you smoke a cigarett you ingest about 4000 chemicals. There has been proven that 40 of them will cause cancer... Smokes are the cause about one-third of all cancer deaths and about one-fourth of all fatal heart attacks. In fact, many degenerative diseases are directly linked with cigarette smoking - lung cancer, chronic bronchitis, heart disease, respiratory ailments, angina, diarrhea, heartburn, peptic ulcers, etc.

* Since nicotine irritates your food canal it starts product more slim to defend it. You will start coughing and expectorate. Yuki!
* There is possible that men will be soon impotent and/or their sperm has no vitality.
* Your face tone is gray
* Your skin is wrinkled
* You can't sleep well anymore
* Your hair is going gray
* You have heartburns and your stomach hurts because of ulcers. Years already! You didn't notice it before? Oh really? Think back and maby it reminds to you how often have you got medicine from apotecha or you have eat just soda powder at home...
* You are irritated and don't feel well if you won't get smokes and everybody around you are irritated because you are.
* You smell bad. I mean you really do! Your mouth, your clothes, your skin, your intimate parts... Fui!
* You poison everyone around you. Including your children and that before and after born...

Bah! It reminds me ... ee... a frog. Hmm... but it is ok probably because he told he did quit. Or maybe he restart? Does he know the effects of smoking? Naaah.... of course he does. He is EDUCATED! Well... but does he understand it too? Bffff. How is it my problem! Or is it? I still care of him. A lot. How should I act then? To ask him to read it? No! It would look like I want something from him more he is able to give me... Well, I would like it. But if you care about someone wount you worry about them then? And if you do care and won't do anything is it nice? Ok.. but what should I do then???? Maybe if he would read it he would understand that all of his problems are based on his bad habbit? But who am I that I am going to tell it to him! Hmm... just a person who cares! Bah!

If I do care and do nothing what am I then?
And if I do care and do something how does it seem now then?

AAAAAAAAAAA!

And women... If statistic shows that number of smoking men in Estonia decreases then number of smoking women increases. Painful. Especially because the beginners are almost always young girls whos body is still growing and developing. The breastcancer has most common among women who have began smoking during teenage. But not only that! They damage whole theri reproductiv organs as well. There will be more problems with fertilzation among smokers. The babies growth will get damaged aslo their organs may not get ready for birth. It's quit common that the smokers' babies need more often Caesarean section before right time because they just feel so bad inside mom's tummy. Their development will be damaged as well as they will have strong nicotine addiction and withdrawal symptoms will be really hard for them as well. Even when mom is passive smoker all those symptoms may happen. Those babies will begin smoking with bigger probability than non-smokers babies.

It is too painful to think about that. More painful to write. I really hope that the awareness of smoking affects will increase at least in Estonia. I am really happy I was taking part of the course and I'n deeply amazed about the workers who deal with the problem. It will be my fight now as well...

Myths

* There are no smokes what would be less-danger than others!
* Thinking that you need to quite slowly like a cigarette less per day... Absurd! You will irritate everytime your receptors of nicotine and they demand you give more and more. You have to quit to the day!
* I do smoke infront of the oven or on the window so noone will be harmed. Wrong! The CO will be even in your bedroom trough closed doors with 4-5 minutes
* If your friend tells you that pregnant woman should not quit smoking to the day then you should find a new friend for yourself. Everyone should quit to the day. Especially pregnant women.
*

How to stop? Or like said Mark Twain: "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

The first thing what you should do when you have decided to quit smoking is definately seeing a counselor. They will know exactly how to help you and what should you do. Also they can advise you how would it be the best for you. It is not like that "I can stop when I want" because nicotine is the moste addictive drug. You have to know that withdrawal symptoms may include:

Anger
Anxiety
Craving for Nicotine
Difficulty Concentrating
Frustration
Headaches
Increased Appetite
Increased Blood Pressure
Irritability
Reduced Heart Rate
Restlessness
Stomach Cramps

Smoking is disease not bad habbit.

The Decision

Dear Father,

Do you rememember my prayer where I asked You to forgive me being stubborn? That I did ask You to forgive me that I wanted my dreams would come true? Before I wished they would come true without Your blessing but later... later I needed You to bless it. I was upset You never did it. I cried and begged You to do that because I wanted it so much. Like spoiled child I didn't care was it good at all. If I finally started to understand it never happens I saw even why but I did cherrish still hope in my chest. My prayers changed. I started beg You to give me my dreams if it will be Your will and if it is not wish of Yours You had to show me what is my part on the Earth. Yeah, I asked You to show it to me but I never wanted to watch it. Through the pain I got to know first what will not belong into my life. It was hard. It is still hard. And then I asked you to stay with me and hold me till my pain is gone. I promised to stay with You always that You could lead me where is the best. I remember a thought in my head that I sound like a man in a story who stayed into storm on the sea and asked God to help him to survive. He promised to buy a chandelier for a church if he will survive. But when he got saved he bought just a candleholder. Yes, I remember the thought that when You take the pain I can start talking with You about my promise to let me to listen You in everything. I am sorry for the thought, dear Father. I am sorry that I am so... so unsteady. I do remember my promise and I have made my decision.

You saw me collapsing today again. It happens when I will stay at home alone. For a moment I wanted to say sorry for that but actually... actually I am not sorry. It showed me how much I do need you and how shelfish I have been with You. I was sad that I have needed Your support mostly only when I have had hard times. I was sorry for that I was trying to be Your child without getting know You better. I am sorry for that I thought Your support to me is self-explanatory. I am sorry for that I have been shelfish with my wishes without giving back anything. For all of that I am sorry but not that I collapsed today. Thank you that You have never-ever left me alone and that You are still there when I need You. It's why I wanted to write to you - to appologize and tell You how dear You are. Also I wanted to let You know what decision I have made.

I am not trading horse with You but I have to ask You to help me before I make my decision official. It is not sausage-for-sausage-case. Just... I am so feeble to keep my promises without You to help me. It is why I do ask You to be always next to me even when I will break down and don't want to get up again I ask You to stay with me and comfort me till I am ready to stand again. I ask You to remind me my promises when I want to turn back to You and walk away. I ask You to bless everything I will do for Your name and show me the way You need me to go clearly because my eyes are not keen. And I ask you to take the pain from me and leave just my love for me. That I would never bicome a bitter lady but that I could see positive events around me and that I would be curage to go and comfort others who need it. Hear me always as You have heard me till now then I am able to keep my promise to You. Without You I am nothing and I need You always next to me. I hope my story won't end like did Judas'.

I already told You when I made my decision. I also told You what was it. I even told You what I felt and thought when I made the decision. My pain is gone now and I have had time to think clearly on it after I collapsed today. It is to get to know You better and hold on Your side whatever should happen in my life. I will give my best to listen Your voice and even more to not mix it with my wishes. And I will try to blog all my steps on the way I go or think. I ask You to be with me there and lead me with all Your kindness and caring. I did read Psalm 1 today and the first 3 verses today and it touched me deeply. It told:

"Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

It's the first thing I need to change in my life. I want and I need to get to know you more.

Heleri

The End of The Fairytale And The Beginning of The Life

Dear J.,

As you know I have had quite rough week behind. I am not so good in my speeches and it is why I wanted to write you this letter. It probably will help me more and you will be just the person who has to liste me but I know it is alright for you too.

Last few months have been hard for me. My frog had to move on England - closer to me. He was there already till happened something what changed our lives totally. He lost his job because of someones mistake and had to fly back to Africa. It was really hard time for him. He lost everything. Even his hope that we could ever meet again. It was hard for me as well. I was sitting here and did know nothing what is going on with him. As you remeber I was broken down. Not because of he lost his job and had to go back to Africa but because of worry about him. How he is feeling, doing and living. I afraid so much he will die. No, I afraid of that he IS already dead and I will never get to know that. I was not ready to pay that price - to live for good without knowing what happened with him. Do you remeber my desperation and beggings in tears when I asked God to help him, to keep him safe and be next to him that he could go trough of it? And also my prayers where I asked any information about him that I should not live in the pain because I don't know how is he going? The letters from him were so rare and I did understand him absolutelly when he said he as no possibilities to write to me. I even did blame myself I made him move to EU... Of course I did blame myself. Already before he got visum and ticket to EU I was doubting in the rightness of the trip. I asked him to think on staying there but he was not agree with that. He wanted to come. And I missed him so much. I still do miss, you know.

He had tried to come over so long time. First he was on England but got no visum into Estonia. He waited 3 months! Before that he had to come ealier but his mother got really ill and he couldnt come. I was blaming myself when he still came couple months later. Anyway, he tried to get visum but it never happened. Finally he had to go back to Africa. He got job there and everything seemed to go so well because the company was agree to help him from Africa to England into their company there. And they helped. Of course they promised to get him there in a 3 months but it took 5. I doubted. Maybe it was not for him? Maybe he should not come? The boss of him was offering to him better job and better income as well. He wanted to come. I was very happy because of that. I loved him so much just. I still do...

There is passed 5 months already he lost his job in England. It has been really hard time for both of us. Well.. I thought so. But seems that it was rough just for me. When I was worried about him (as you know he has not in the best healthy), crying and praying and begging end of the hearache because unknowing anything about a person who is so pressious to you, who is in your dreams and with who you have made future plans - it was just crazy time. It is hard to describe the feelings I felt. I asked God to take the pain away. I even blamed Him that He has put me in the situation but I was really sorry about that later. I asked Him to kill my feelings for him because I was so tired of worry about him. I asked Him just to give my frog back to me and end my pain! If it is His wish of course... It was not on this stage. Probably it was good. If it could happen before I wouldn't be here. The pain have made me softer. I have changed so much since then. I have always knew the changings are hard and painful experiances because if changing would not be painful it would be so easy to come better person. But to get better is not easy at all... I want to come better person but... I don't like the pain.

I had lots of studings to do. Although I am the type of persons who curl up in a dark corner and waits for end of the pain or hard times I was still going on. I was walking around like zombie but God never left me. I became as the best worker at my department and my boss paid me bonus. I had thousand preliminaries and exams and tests to do but even there God did leave me never alone. I had all "A"-s. I really mean ALL! Even very hard anatomy-physiology exam what stayed exactly in the period when he was already in Dubai and told me he is going to fly to Africa next day and will contact there with me on same day or next on after that and then I did not hear about 3 weaks from him. I was looking for plane crashes between Dubai and Johannesburg but nothing. I was just sitting there and holding my exam material on my hands and I could not read them. I was on my knees again and begging the piece into my heart. I prayed mornings and nights that God would take care of him and would keep him alive and healthy. He contacted with me 4 days after my exam. He was alive!! I got exam "A"...

But after that the letters strted to come maximum twice per month. I was missing him. I was missing to talk to him just over MSN or Skype but nothing. I missed times when we were on Hiiumaa. And the times I heard him saying goodnight to me when I was already falling into sleep. He took my glasses off, kissed me on my cheek and whispered he loves me and wished goodnight. He was my frog and althought evil voices (by my mom's and firends' mouths) said that "don't you think he has someone else?" I never belived anything like that. Ridiculous! He loved me. He had done so much because of me. He was one who said that loyalty is really important to him. He teached me how to trust. He teached to me that you have to talk to not lose eachother. Do you understand J, he teached to me how to TALK! Me who I was master of building up walls around me and push everyone away. Do you understand how grateful I am to him because of that. Do you understand how much I do love him? I have to admit that once I let the doubt into my heart and asked him does he has someone else. He said that no. And I belived him. It couldn't be anyhow else because if you love you belive. You trust your partner. He told me that... HE... is the one who could make me done what he wanted. Well.. was the one.

Do you remember my prayer when I was asking the end of the pain? I didn't say out loudly then that I wish the end even if it is the notice about his death or that he has someone else? Yeah, I remember that too ;o) Of course I did relized how cruel it was from me but I missed his death more than other woman into his life because it could be easier for me :o) Ja, I know it was not nice. I remember also the guilty feeling then and the pain what the note could cause to me but... that could be the final pain. I knew that I would survive but it is pain what you don't wish even to your enemy. Then I begged God again that He would finish it all for me. I asked Him to change my life. I asked Him to take my life! But it felt too irresponsible because of Jakob so I asked Him to end The World... I asked Him to give my frog back to me... If... it is His will.

If I should describe my life on some grafic then there would be 3 arrows. Yellow and green one what would show up and blue one what rans downward. Yellow - my work, green - my studies and blue - my heart. One short moment I was thinking that I would give green and yellow arrow for blue arrow what would ran on opposite direction. But I am old enough to understand how childish it would be. I have had so many blessings of God and I have felt them physically so I have decided never leave God again. It was desicion what I made with my heart. I was like child clenched into my dream I built up years ago and I wanted it to come true whatever it takes. But I saw every day clearer and clearer during the laste 2 years that it won't happen. Just I couldn't let it to go. There was the truth what was glaring at me into my eyes... I didn't want to see it. I turned my head away and if I couldn't turn then I closed my eyes. But last Thursday I HAD to wach into eyes of that pain... I was happy before it. I had to have practic part of my preliminary of "healthy child". On Monday I had the first part of it - the test. Jee... it was hard! But you know that already - I had only "A" on whole class. There was also just on "B". So it just shows how hard it was. Everyone was afraiding the practical part on Friday. Including me. And then it did happen.

I got the letter from my Frog what broke me down. Bad joke that I was so happy when I saw the letter. It had to tell me what was happened during the months after he lost the job. My smile died on my face and replaced with pain in my heart. The letter did not surprais me actually. My first thought was "What now? Sigaretts and vodka?" (the reaction of old me who wanted to escape for hurt). I had surmise about it but till it had not happened I did hope the mirakles will happen. But not this time. He told me he loves me but he had met someone else and seems that there are growing up something bigger. Well.. It was shortly. I couldn't read the whole letter because the first 10 lines made me feel like my heart will explode. I read it trough in diagonal. The first thought was - "finally! Now I don't have tg grieve him anymore in my unknowings is he alive or not..." And I wasn't even angry :o) And then I got angry. I felt I have right to be angry because not being angry meant for me to be like him when he told me couple letters ago that he is not even angry if we broke down. OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T BE!!!! HE had someone else who could comfort of him!! Probably he is not even thinking on me anymore. And I was the one who made heself fool during the months sending e-mails with messages how much I love him and what I feel because of he is not letting me know what is going on with him. I was dying in pain when he was getting comfort from someone else! Jee.. It hurted. It meant that he didn't care about me anymore long time. Not even so much to say me "Stop it! You are foolishing yourself!" How come I didn't feel anger! I was there all alone with broken heart noone comforting me and I felt I am NOT ANGRY! All my life broke down into dust and I felt suddenly standing there where was no way and wish to go on anymore. I thought that THIS is THE END OF THE WORLD now! AND I WAS NOT ANGRY! No-no-no! I had to be angry! To be angry is needed if you want to get over of the pain! It is a stage of it. And it meant tha I HAVE to be angry. Especially because it was the end of the World! Well... It was the end. But not of the world of course. Just the end my fairytale.

The changes of life are painful. Especially when they are so ultimate like mine was. I standed up and closed my laptop. I knew I will survive but it was the pain in me what I never wish to anyone. It is the pain what all of us have experienced when we have lost some very close and important person you have cherrish with all your heart. I was thinking on you, J. I wanted so much to say that I did understand then what you felt there, hanging on the cross of yours, when your heart exploded because of pain. I felt the pain what was almost exploding my heart as well. But I couldn't say that. Your pain were millions times bigger and it was so SELFLESS and my heartache was nothing next to it. It was only because me being selfish. I have always said that I am selfish. Human love is the most selfish feeling they have because it wants to possess beloved one.

I have possibility to come better person now. It means that I will love without possessing him. It means that I will love even he won't love me back. It means I will forgive to him... But will I?

It is Sunday, J., and I can put my hand on my heart and say I am survived. I am survived only because of you. I was begging you to stay to me and comfort me. Was begging you take away the pain I felt. You comforted me when I was asking you "What will I do now? What about tomorrow? How will I do my preliminary test?" I wanted to die because of pain what was caused about my dreams what crashed. Because of the emptiness inside of me and my life. You gave me thought to call to someone and first time in my life I screamed I need help. I called to Kärt. She came together her mom. Actually was Anne next one into my list but 2 of them were even better. When they arrive I felt myself quite dumb. I was standing there and was thinking what now? I had to tell whole story to them. Jee.. I felt myself fool. What do I have tell to tehm? That I was in love a man who actually could be even just a phantom? How could I discribe everything what was between us? It will sound like bad joke just... I wonder if they won't even think that "What did you thought then? The relationships trough Internet won't survive!" Well... I had to try to explain it now.

I am happy I did. They never showed out they thought like I was thinking they could think. It was really big help they came. I am really grateful for them. The talking made me see clearer about the situation. Of course it didn't take the pain away. It just opened my eyes more wider. They hugged me before they left. And Kärt whispered to me "You are dear to me. Just don't jump down from the train." Although I did understand what she meant I was still just thinking how will I live over the night. I was standing there and repeating Psalm 23:

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

I repeated it. Panically. Rapidly. Wailing between the texts because of hurt. It could even sound like some witch' raving. I did it till I could breath again. I went to bed. I was lying there when teh pain returned. I was asking the God take the pain away. I was repeating just the phrase "Please, take the pain away. Please, please!" and it was mixed with lines into Psalm 23. Then it remind to me I have a pill of Imovane into my drawer. Just a usual sleeping pill. I found it once at work on the floor when the patient was left already. It was still on the packet so I put it into my pocket and forgot it there. Later when I wanted to wash my clothes I found it into my pocket and put it into my drawer. I didn't expect to never use it but now i wanted to use it. I made it half and swallowed it. It was really bitter. I went to bed and fall to sleep. Not for long. I woke up at middle of night and couldn't sleep more. My heart was hurting. I was crying scratching my chest like I could to rip my heart off. I couldn't... That's good.

Because then came a new day. I told to God that if I will make my preliminary exam on "A" I will give all my life on His hand. I let Him to lead it. And I made the exam. I was the first one who pulled the ticket and second one who answered. I talked. I just talked. I got the practic part "A". "A" for this part and "A" for the test part on this Monday gave together an "A". So it was the next prove of how great is God and how He had hold me and blessed my doings.

I went home. I was thinking how the life goes on. I reliszed thta it was easier to think that my Frog is dead... And probably after the end of this story he will be dead for me again. I haven't read his letter again and I won't do that so soon anyway. I will do that once when I have went on with my life and I can watch back on it and when I can say "It had to go like that." I remember some of the info I got from the letter when I readed it first time and thinking on it now it dissapoints me more. And that dissapointment made me to realize that my frog was just a frog. He had told me so many times how important is to be honest and the needings of to be open minded but now he couldn't do the same. Maybe I just expected that if someone is waiting you to do something then he will do it itself as well. I dissapointed the way how he tried to justify himself. It was just discusting. Well.. it was discusting for me because I saw there just a try to explain to HIMSELF why he had to do what he was doing. Of course I am just a woman in pain who should feel the dissapoitment ;o) Still... It could be more not so discusting end when he could just tell me that it happened because of it did not that he fabricate some excuse up from past ages ago. Anyway... he is just a human. I hope that he feels better because of that then at least and probably he will if he fooled him away cos in other way it is just nasty not only for me but for both of us.

And you know what, J., I still love him. I would be really happy he would be with me and you but I am not a dreamer. Not anymore. I love him but I know the flame of that love will burns down soon. You know why I am able to write about it here already now, 3 days later? Because of you. I have had ended relationships before too. The pain in heart has been alway hard but the way how I did maintain the pain then and now is different. It is Sunday and I slept all night without woking up. Without I thought on him and without of pain in my heart. I asked the end of the pain what lasted months and it came. Not like I wished but still, it came. And I am big girl I know that when one story ends the next one will start. The story about a frog and a princess found its end. But the story about me and new beginning will start on the day I'll rise up my head and go on again. And it is not far away. The pain (thanks to you and the God) has been shortly in me but I knew it was needed. The child born will be always hurtful but there will come a day when I'll watch back and say "It was exactly what I wanted" and I will smile back to the life.

I may say now just that the fairytale about a frog and a princess had couple good resalts:
1st - the frog lead his princess back to the God and it changed her life for ever. (Maybe it was just the point of all the story at all? Who knows...)
2nd - she will lose great ammount of her weight as she had always wished {3 days have passed since the letter and I have lost 4 kg :o)} and what she couldn't do before at all. And even if the loss of weight is not enough before the pain goes away then she has still the letter she never read through. It may remain the pain again... Funny, I was laughing on the thought but you know it may even work!

Well... I have always joked that someone has to broke my heart because this could be protuctive and creative for my writtings. It was joke of course and all jokes have their little part of truth in them. But well... sometimes it kills as well.

What else I have to say, J. I love him. But sometimes is love not enough. I ask you something, J. I ask you to talk to the God and ask Him to forgivness to him because of the pain he caused to me. I need you to be there and ask Him to forgive to him and stay with him. Let the pain stay away from him what I did experiance because his heart is not so strong as mine. Let he will get happy if... it is his wish. Also I ask you to beg Him to forgive to me in case I am not able to forgive to him. I believe I am forgiven but He knows better. Maybe I am just broken too much to understand my feelings correctly...

Heleri

PS! I have to contact to Kärt to ask what were those phases of grievings to make it all right - denial, anger, conciliation and forgivness? I don't want to miss any of them and to know them is needed to go through of them on right line. Just that I could get over all of this with the shoretst time it is possible. I want to start the new story in my life on clean sheet. And the creativity doesn't matter at all...