I decided I won't cry today. I am sitting behind my desk. I fiished just infosheets for my local congrecation. I am trying to train my patient. I am sitting here and having fight with myself. I am trying to keep my promise to not cry. And I am trying to keep myself back to not write a letter to my frog. It is hard. And maybe even a bit funny. Can you image me to sit behind my desk with serious face glaring at desktop and keeping myself back to not write. And during that I am pulling faces from sad face to angry face.
I am confuced and deeply sad, angry and anguished, unsure and hurting. Too many feelings that they all could set in me without drowning me into tears. But today I am not going to cry. I will have 11 tears-free minutes still! It was a joke ;o) Althought the day will get over in 11 minutes I have decided to not cry at least not till the morning. To be honest then not on the morning as well.
Yeah, I am stiff. I am so stiff that I even wont shout althought I would like to do that with my deepest bottom of soul. To shout at my frog, "Stop doing that!" But I know he is to stubborn to do anything reasonable in his current situation. Great! I trying to excuse him being an ass! But why he is doing it then? Why he is insulting my love? Probably because he never believed in me to be able have any deeper feeling. I can't even blame hime in it because in this case I have caused myself that doubt in it. But it doesn't make me less to feel the insult there.
Maybe I should write my ethics essay on this topic? Jee! I need it already for Tuesday but I have no idea what ethic problem I should write on... Anyway...
Goodnight J. I do really miss you.
Heleri
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Do you feel my heart beating...
Hallo Dear J.,
I deleted couple big movie files today from my laptop and then I did defragment it. My laptop is really slow and I don't know who I should ask to come to check it. I even hijacked it. But you know, I am not so smart to do something useful with the information I got. Mnjah... I need my laptop for school works and it really sucks that it works so slowly. Can't you help me?
You know, I managed to make today 2 other preliminamy exsams and by my feelings they went really well. I have been one lucky fish anyway because God has been with me. My anatomy exam what was really hard went just so well beyond reason. I never guess I can get "A" in it. I am very gratefull to God He gave me piece in my heart and kept me cool. And all other exams as well... If I would not believe God I could say that it has been just good luck. All those questions on exams and tests what I had no time to study He has been with me and gave me memory to remember things what I have heard during lectures. Me and memory... I am sure you know it ;o) 3 secs and thats all. So I am really grateful He has been with me during the time what has been really hard for me and what seems to get more harder.
Ja... It is really hard already now. I just afraid of time what future brings to me. And yes, I know how hard it will be for me. I see it clearly but you know, seeing it doesn't make it easier. I am so close to give up. I am just clinged into Gods shirt and trying to not let it free. If I can do that I am saved but can I? Ah, of course I can. Life is going on and I am getting older here or there it doesn't matter. I just wish all that hard time would be behind already. I miss summer. I don't have to think on studies then.
You know what I did! I couldn't say "No!" again and took a quite big respnsible on my shoulder. I promised to translate 23 pages small and dense typings from English into Estonia. I need to be ready in 3 months ;o( It is just half side of page per day! But I have barely time for breathing. And my duch course is growing over my head as well. But I have just no time.
I am busy to hold my heart. I am busy with holding it and waiting the smashing hit on it. I know it is coming. I got told so. So I am busy with holding and watching my heart how it beats its last beatings... Do you feel my heart beating... or am I only dreaming... Well... Maybe it all has to go this way. Byt J., you have seen I have had fighted because of that. I never gave up how many times I felt I should. I haven't still gave up. But J., You can see I can't do that alone. Oh J., I really do afraid of the hit what is threatening my heart. Can you help me? Please...
I deleted couple big movie files today from my laptop and then I did defragment it. My laptop is really slow and I don't know who I should ask to come to check it. I even hijacked it. But you know, I am not so smart to do something useful with the information I got. Mnjah... I need my laptop for school works and it really sucks that it works so slowly. Can't you help me?
You know, I managed to make today 2 other preliminamy exsams and by my feelings they went really well. I have been one lucky fish anyway because God has been with me. My anatomy exam what was really hard went just so well beyond reason. I never guess I can get "A" in it. I am very gratefull to God He gave me piece in my heart and kept me cool. And all other exams as well... If I would not believe God I could say that it has been just good luck. All those questions on exams and tests what I had no time to study He has been with me and gave me memory to remember things what I have heard during lectures. Me and memory... I am sure you know it ;o) 3 secs and thats all. So I am really grateful He has been with me during the time what has been really hard for me and what seems to get more harder.
Ja... It is really hard already now. I just afraid of time what future brings to me. And yes, I know how hard it will be for me. I see it clearly but you know, seeing it doesn't make it easier. I am so close to give up. I am just clinged into Gods shirt and trying to not let it free. If I can do that I am saved but can I? Ah, of course I can. Life is going on and I am getting older here or there it doesn't matter. I just wish all that hard time would be behind already. I miss summer. I don't have to think on studies then.
You know what I did! I couldn't say "No!" again and took a quite big respnsible on my shoulder. I promised to translate 23 pages small and dense typings from English into Estonia. I need to be ready in 3 months ;o( It is just half side of page per day! But I have barely time for breathing. And my duch course is growing over my head as well. But I have just no time.
I am busy to hold my heart. I am busy with holding it and waiting the smashing hit on it. I know it is coming. I got told so. So I am busy with holding and watching my heart how it beats its last beatings... Do you feel my heart beating... or am I only dreaming... Well... Maybe it all has to go this way. Byt J., you have seen I have had fighted because of that. I never gave up how many times I felt I should. I haven't still gave up. But J., You can see I can't do that alone. Oh J., I really do afraid of the hit what is threatening my heart. Can you help me? Please...
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Hei J.,
It is me again. And like usually - I need you to console me. My heart and soul are bittered. I lied down yesterday and begged the Father to take away my feelings. I wished I could have no heart to feel any pain what is caused by love. It is not good feeling to be alone left down from some one you loved so much. I know you know the feeling. I know that your experiance has been thousands times worse than mine. It is why I need your comfort. You know how to manage the feeling when something is hurting you. I don't know. Just please, don't say it will pass. I don't want it will pass. I want to love for ever. I want to remember for ever. I want to be dead to be in for ever already.
What should I do with my life? Where should i go? Do you know? How should I teach to
my son he needs to set his aims for future if I know it all is so relative. You can have the best possible aim but it can ghange with seconds. WITH SECONDS! And you are standing in middle of storm without seeing where should you go on. You are standing there and trying panically hear the voice in the middle of wind, rain and flying stuff but you can't hear anything. I am tired of running around and screaming in hope that someone answers. I am tired to feeling I am all alone and that no-one cares am I there or not. I am tired to worry are my loved one's alright. I never get to know it anyway. J., I wish to just sit down and do nothing. I just want to wait the end.
Just embarassing. Thousands around me have lost more I have and they live on. And you, J., you have lost thousand times more than all thous thousand arond me together and you are the one who has still curage to give your hands to me. You are just The Best Friend I ever have had. Thank you for that.
With Love,
Heleri
What should I do with my life? Where should i go? Do you know? How should I teach to
my son he needs to set his aims for future if I know it all is so relative. You can have the best possible aim but it can ghange with seconds. WITH SECONDS! And you are standing in middle of storm without seeing where should you go on. You are standing there and trying panically hear the voice in the middle of wind, rain and flying stuff but you can't hear anything. I am tired of running around and screaming in hope that someone answers. I am tired to feeling I am all alone and that no-one cares am I there or not. I am tired to worry are my loved one's alright. I never get to know it anyway. J., I wish to just sit down and do nothing. I just want to wait the end. Just embarassing. Thousands around me have lost more I have and they live on. And you, J., you have lost thousand times more than all thous thousand arond me together and you are the one who has still curage to give your hands to me. You are just The Best Friend I ever have had. Thank you for that.
With Love,
Heleri
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
