I wanted more I had. I lost everything.

Topic like some lines from a song. Still, it seems like the song in my life at moment. Maybe my grief is too big now to see the good things what have happened to me, I don’t know that. I am angry and dissapointed and confused and thinking all the time I have to be supportive. But how can I be supportive when I want to curl up in bed and scream?

But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...

And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.

But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.

I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!