Yeah... Here I am. With love and everything. But still...

... it is just funny how all your feelings in past will lose their meaning when you get new ones... Well, maybe in one lonely moment I will get some wishes to think back on the time then but now... Hmm, maybe that's not true :) Maybe I will be involved into my new feelings so much that I forgot my big love in past totally. Ouch, that hurts :( That means that there are no point of any feelings because once the feelings mean nothing for us...

Hi my past :)

There you are - grey and with hurtful facts. YOu know what I still love you :) I love you very much because without you I would be still a lost woman who would have no future or even view of it. I am back here to just watch back and put time to time down memories what made me a confident and contented person. Here I am.

With deepest love,
your Princess

It was really beautiful day. The morning was cold but very bright. Golden fall. The maple tree under my window is gorgeous red. I got out ealier than usual. Just wanted to enjoy that wonderful morning on bicycle. I was biking trough centrum of Tartu. It was not very crowded. My fingers felt painful cold when I was biking trogh park on near the river there. It remainded me the pain leading course last weak when we had to hold icecube in our fist and breath the pain away to get any clue what is childbirth pain. I started automatically breath like a parturient in pain to lead my pain off from my fingers. It worked. But it was probably quit funny for ppl because they turned their heads. That kind of breathing catches attention ideed.

Anyway, morning was nice till I fell with bicycle. It didn't hurt so much me but my bicycle. It works still but is somehow wrong... I have to go to service when I have time. If I will have it at all... I feel now that my left hand is sore and also my right tight. My right elbrow lost skin as well... But I am alive. And that's all what matters. I am very alive and doing emotionally well. Physically I am tired like hell :) And second night in row at work... If I will survive this week then I will survive always. Test tomorrow and prelinary examination tomorrow...

I will survive because I have God watching over me :)

Unbelievable ;o) 2003!

2003!

Outch!

Today I got 4 sms. When I started reading those my heart jumped because first one what I read was: "I love you dearly. You are my life, my love and my heart blood. I miss you. I need you. Be good and miss me andremember I love you. I am your frog :)" I was shaking. It could not be true! I read other sms-s and... It could not be true... Those were ones I have got already. My phone operator resend all messages I had in my phone. The message was from 1st July 2006. Really bad joke... It just rip open all my fresh wounds again. I want delete everything. I want to die. Just die.. do not excist. There are so many things around me what don't let me forget. Why?

I feel so pathetic :( What should I do? I don't know... Would help me a box where I cather everything what remainds me him? Would it? All my past in a box... Oh dear heaven, let I have diabetes that I could fall in coma and die! There is anyway noone who loves me...

During a day...

Morning didn't start very well. Going over to the summertime have drained out everyone. It was hard to get up from the bed. And my son decided to catch some virus as well. He had body temperature 38.8 by Celcius. Well... he had possibility to stay at home. But I had to get up to dress amd rum at work.

Wow! At work! During workingdays! Lots of people around me I haven't seen so long already! Fro this aspect the studies haven't been so good. I have missed my workmates. I have to be today here just 12 hours but it will be the best hours. I should be at school but there were some boring lessons today where from I can allow myself to miss. Lovely. I could hug everyone. So good to see them. Weekends are boring. Almost alwasys I am alone with just a nurse. Seems they have missed me as well because I got possibility to practice mesuring blood pressure.

I asked Age to measure my blood suggar. She cut through my finger arter! Or it seemed she did... She ticked me with the needle and clenched my finger to press a drop of blood on the measurer and... jee, my blood just squirt out so all table and wall was full of quite big blood spots. :P And Age was exaited! She said she had first time when something like that happened. Usually you have to squeese a lot before you get reasonable ammont of blood (it means - a drop) on the measurer. Well, anyway... My bloodsuggar was 6.4 and I wasn't eat till last afternoon and then as well just a little piece of chicken. And couple of weeks I haven't had any sweets or bread (no white nor black). I really mean it... So I am a bit worried about that but... Well, it didn't work when I was running around and telling them I am dying and they have to inject insulin in me! They just shrugged their shoulders and said So what!!!! How careless! :P Ah, alright.. I need to check my blood suggar now more often if I want to prevent diabetes...

Ah, and the news is that they start vote the year nurse and carer. I did ask from my boss where is the box where I should let in my voting papers one by one with my names. Kadi just laughed and told I can't do that because nurses are giving votes for carers. Sweet! Cheating won't go through! Ai-ai-ai!

It remains to me that life is the flower. And THAT reminds me it is really beautiful and sunshiny day and I should ask Maris to come have walk with me. Oh, and she is coming!!

****************

TADV list:

Subject: Youth evening 1st April...

...takes part at Tom ....at 19.00 like usually...
Will see you then... I will take a new book with... You can take with the youth prayer week storys also just in a case...

Kärt

Subject: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Are you sure still it takes part at Tom? Or is it like that we all are going at Tom and there is a note on the door: APRIL! We get together at Mervi actually :)

Kind April to everyone... and smile more.

Karin

Subject: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Don't worry Karin, Kärt has no sense of humour.

Tom

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Kärt doesn't have to have any. It is enugh you have, Tom.
So are we going to have barbecue?

Heleri

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

No barbecue today.
There will be party instyle of Wild West.
Dresscode - jeans, chequered flannel shirt, hat.
Take with - your own chewing tobacco.
Ticket on the door - 2 dollars per face, well-behaved girls will get it for half.
Planned - dance in line a la chicken

Tom

********************

Great... Where do I get schequered shirt?...

Oh I got one! :D I will dress up and then I go to have walk with Maris.!

Wow!! It is so late... I have farmacology's test tomorrow... But the night and whole day was just wonerful today ;o) Just couple sad moments but ... I want to go on ;o)
Youth evening was great as well. I had possibility to say what I do think about the youth in church and outside of the church and hopefully it will change a bit now. We decided to get together sometimes just for chat also. To get to know eachother better without trying always make those times so ecclesiastic ;o)

I need to buy vodka. Jakob has still high teperature. I haven't got it down. Maybe I should wrap him in a sheet what is moistured with vodka??? ;P

On the weels again

There has passed just a week and I was back into car again. It was wonderful day for speeding. Spring is coming. May heart will trick with me still a bit but mostly I am laughing again. I know it is just a part of my defencive at moment but still... It is good to laugh even your heart is in tears. Roads are dry and clean. Not much cars were on the road. I enjoyed every minute there. A bit sas was to think that I refused go with guys couple weeks ago when they went just to have fire my the Peipsi lake somewhere. The icepath is probably melted already. Pfft. Nah, the boys know so well how to have good time. Why I refuse then every time to spend that together them? Next time! Next time... hmm... next time will be when I ask Allan to change my tyres for summer tyres. Good he told me I can ask him any time to do that. I need to call to him and make sure he and Markus have time for me and maybe even more we could do something they usually do together. It would be fun. I am amazed how easily they take everything.

Naahh... I am grazy. How could I step up in so young men gang? Are they now 20 or a bit more? What will I do with them? Yah, how they do take everything so easy :p I am already worring how do I can spend time with them till I am so old! That's the place for good laugh. If they think I am cool enough to ask me to join with them then why should I worry? Alright, I won't. I just need some better clothes for that... like jeans and sportshoes... Oh, and bicycle! Seems that I won't eat next month also :D I will get it to myself!!