You know my latest moods. Not the best ones, right? I was sittin in church today and was asking why am I there at all? I didn't feel like in right place at all.
Everything was not well at all. But the Children Sabbath School was my to do. So I had duties for them. Plus I have no rights to give bad example for Jakob because of my moods. But you know, I have too much to do and I won't feel good in the church anymore. Actually I have too much to do everywhere so I don't feel good anywhere anymore. Probably you know that yourself but I have begged the end of the World. When everything would be over I should not have to start everything from beginning again. Yeah, I am smart girl and understand totally that something has to end that something else could start again but the ends are so painful. I have had lots of painful ends and there has always been new start after that. It is really big possibility there will be new start again but....Well, it all doesn't matter. All I wanted to say was that I was giving up and begged the end of the World and... And then sent God me message. He sent even more than one of them to say me I am n ot alone. There are no tradition among our congregation youth to greet each other with shaking eachother hands but it seemed to me that it is possible to get more personal contact like that with people. So I was shaking others hands and they were laughing at me and with me. It was fun. But last month I was not in that condition to continue with that. My special moods as you know.. And I was sitting downstairs today and waiting the end of ceremony. I was also thinking to leave home before but my son, Jakob was upstairs and I didn't want to leave without him. And suddenly the ceremony ended and infront of me stayed 7 or 8 young person who were talking with and over each other. I sat there feeling like some broke down part from something big. So alone and far away from others. I wanted to leave. I closed my eyes and rubbed them with my fingertips because I felt really tired. Suddenly I hear loud greetings "Tere, Heleri!" I opened my eyes and saw Toomas was enetered into the room and standed infront of me hand rised for greetings. It was so little thing but it got my mood up a bit. He was the one I never expected abything so spontanous like that. It's why it was especially good feeling. And it made me feel part of the something big again.
But it wasn't all. I have kept so long everything deep inside and missed so long someone to talk about. And then it happened. I got phonecall from a guy I never expected it. It was a guy from my past. I got to know him about 7 years ago when he was 17 and I was ... I guess 24 or 25. He was already then an amazing guy and nothing to wonder that I féll in love. It was lovely time. Lots of romantic. Nothing else. There didn't come out anything and it was actually really good. We became as good friends in different cities. We sent couple emails during 6 years and called in Skype to eachother twice or more times per year. We had good talks about life and politics, about women and men, about how we are going and what are we waiting from life and so on. And we met maybe once in every 2 years. Well... We didn't contacted very often but when we talked it lasted always couple hours. And there were always really good feeling after that. Anyway, he called me today that if I could have time he would sit into the car and could come to visit me. So I said yes and he promised to be here in 3 or 4 hours. I went to have shower and when I came out I had missed call.
It was one my old friend again! She called to me to ask me out because she was walking outside with her little son (a year and a month old). I dressed up and entwined my half dried hair into a plat. I was ready to go to meet with her. I havent seen her about 5 years again. I lost contact with her already before she left from Estonia. She was 3 years away on Ireland and now already a year back here. It was good to talk again and when we were walking around I had possibility finally to open myself a bit. It has been always easier to talk with persons who are not tied so much with your life. And this time it was really good feeling. Remainded a bit time when we were in school together.
Soon after I we said goodbay with Diana, called Margo and asked direction at me. After his getting lost couple times and me going to look for him on the car parkings near of my appartment, we met. He was big! Good to hug again. We sat into his car and was driving around and talking. We decided to visit my sis who is living out from Tartu about 24 km. We had cup of tea and coffie there and was talking about an hour and half when we left to drive back to Tartu. We stopped at my place. He cleaned both my computers and after that we were sitting in livingroom and was talking. Talking till there was nothing to say anymore. Then he left.
And you know. After the day I feel better. I had possibilities to say out loudly what I want from life, what I expect and that I do understand life is going on even
after hard days. What ever how hard will be some end there always will be some new beginning. I just can't to see it yet. So it is why I ask forgivness from God that I am so stubborn and don't want to let the old things to get over. He always knows what is good for me. But you know J., I want to say it was good time for me. I learnt a lot and met lots of really good persons. I will stay always admire my Froggie even i got left behind again. But if it has to be so then it has to be. I wonder myself that I can be so loyal for someone at all ;o) What ever how hard have been the things I have never left anyone. Maybe it is my gift to forgive the pain again and again. Or is my gift to love. I don't know. I am just sad a bit because I will have lonely life without someone to share it. I may understand it could be good in some other direction but still... lonely. It is because I am not taking my relationships so easily anymore. I have made my current relationship equal with marriage. It means for me I will never be free again. Not after finding God again. I have learnt about marriage and that it has to be holy. Jep, something good and something bad. That's the life.
With smile,
Heleri
