The pain

No-no-no! I am not going to fall in depression again. It has to be clear. Ja, everything around me reminds my broken heart. Even the bills I began take to get a baby I wanted. I can't drop them yet. But yeah... life goes on.

No-no-no! I am not going to get bitter also. I am not going to fall in blamings like "whole men bla-bla-bla" because of something what one of them did to me. Not everyone will betray your loyalty. I am not going that way! I am just not. It doesn't mean I want it so much. It just doesn't help. I am not going to make the Earth more negative it already is. I am on common sense and know that all of it will pass. I will feel again OK. It is just a pain.

It just takes time. It just takes time... I have to learn with the pain. It won't go away. I just get used with it. It will be part of my soul and how I deal with it will make me a better person or worse. I will take it as a positive lesson. I can't see why it had to go like that now but I will see that in a 5 years. And then I can watch back and say "Thank for heaven that it went like that." I know that it will be like that!!

Just so damned hard is now...

I have to deal with the pain. I need time for blamings and grieving. I just have to do something the time would go quicker. Once what is sure I have to walk so much as I can considering yesterday when I set myself into danger yesterday with my car. I can do that. I just wont drive outside of the town myself it is needed. Inside of the town I can walk. That's the deal! And I will start eat. It's sure I have to do. Maybe I should through away my pate sandwich I made day after yesterday and make new one. If it would look more tasty I could eat it. Jee... I destroy my health. No-no-no! NO! I will strat eat! I'll get up early on the morning tomorrow and make some porridge... AA! And I am going back to my dutch classes even it reminds me my pain again. I just take it a challange for my future life. And maybe I still go to Africa in future... Let's see what plans have God for me. Although Anne suggested spanish as well... Maybe I should... Well, dutch first. It ends soon and I have paid for that! So it means I have to finish my coffee quickly and start going. Hopfully Sebastian doesn't make faces because I haven't showd mine there already 2 weeks... Soooooo, hallo dutch again!

And goodbye the pain! Soon you will be just a part in me and positive part ;o) I will get used with you and then... THEN I can live again!!!