Enough...

It must end. And it means I have to end it for my own interest. It is mentalillness how I do kill myself. My body eats me already... So lets ask some questions from myself...

Q: Am I ready to die for him?
A: I was... Mwhaahahahaaa... I still am... ;o/

Q: Ok... Am I forgiven for him?
A: Hmm... this is good question. Haven't I already? I would like to believe I am but sometimes... Ah, more likly I have not.

Q: Alright. If you haven't forgiven for him then... do you hate him?
A: I wish I could. How can you hate someone with one you have planned to live whole your life?

Q: How can you not hate someone who did it to you?
A: Would it be easier to hate? I don't think so. Humans need hope.

Q: What do you hope? That everything will changes and he is back at you?
A: I wish it would be like that...

Q: Do you think it is possible?
A: I dont know. But I will ask now!

Waiting for the answer...

Q: Seems he never answers. What would you do if his answer is negative?
A: I wouldn't like it.

Q: But...?
A: I should accept it. ;o) And end it all. I have even thought how to do that. Till the pain is part of our lives and it won't go anywhere then I just have to learn to live with it. And it means I must stop blocking the pain and try to live with it.

Q: Are you ready to do that?
A: Not really. But I know I must. I have postponed it with excuse that I need to start eating propperly first. It haven't worked yet so why postpone it still...

Q: But what if his answer is positive? Could you trust him again?
A: Probably not. Or if yes then it would be very hard ;o)

Q: ...
A: Actually there would play roll some other things as well what would make being with him difficult.

Q: What things?
A: Does it matter?

Q: Actually not... Why are you still so stucked on him then?
A: Because my life feels so empty suddenly, you know. I had so many years good memories with him and suddenly... Suddenly I have to get new memories ;o) I can't get them so quickly so I am a bit stucked on him still... a bit too much. But it has to changes, I know...

Still waiting for the answer... Muig... He has been whole night so talkative but not now after the last question. Probably he will send on the mornig an answer like "Sorry I didn't answer yesterday. I was tired and went to bed." Ja, that may happen. But I have to work. This night and next one as well...

I got the answer. It did surprise me.

Q: So??
A: Be patient. ;o) I am have to ask some specifying questions.

Q: But he did answer. How did it look?
A: Intresting. ;o) Well, he said yes and no. But after that he said something more what actually did matter more than his yes or no.

Q: I just don't understand why do you bother to care for him? He wasn't the one he told he is.
A: I know. ;o) I am telling that to myself every day. But a heart is slow to forget.

Q: But you told you would forgive to him.
A: And so what?

Q: So you would be with him again?
A: I don't remember I told that... But anyway. He gave me free and now I know his heart is not with me. Long time already. Sad but true. So it is all over and no questions anymore. ;o)

Q: Are you sad?
A: Yeah... but I would like to say something for closing...

Q: Yes?
A: We hold dear what we don't get, and let fly away things we have.

Q: What?
A: I am finished here. ;o) I don't want to hold dear things what I don't have ;o) I have to go now... Bye.