Hey J.,

I decided I won't cry today. I am sitting behind my desk. I fiished just infosheets for my local congrecation. I am trying to train my patient. I am sitting here and having fight with myself. I am trying to keep my promise to not cry. And I am trying to keep myself back to not write a letter to my frog. It is hard. And maybe even a bit funny. Can you image me to sit behind my desk with serious face glaring at desktop and keeping myself back to not write. And during that I am pulling faces from sad face to angry face.

I am confuced and deeply sad, angry and anguished, unsure and hurting. Too many feelings that they all could set in me without drowning me into tears. But today I am not going to cry. I will have 11 tears-free minutes still! It was a joke ;o) Althought the day will get over in 11 minutes I have decided to not cry at least not till the morning. To be honest then not on the morning as well.

Yeah, I am stiff. I am so stiff that I even wont shout althought I would like to do that with my deepest bottom of soul. To shout at my frog, "Stop doing that!" But I know he is to stubborn to do anything reasonable in his current situation. Great! I trying to excuse him being an ass! But why he is doing it then? Why he is insulting my love? Probably because he never believed in me to be able have any deeper feeling. I can't even blame hime in it because in this case I have caused myself that doubt in it. But it doesn't make me less to feel the insult there.

Maybe I should write my ethics essay on this topic? Jee! I need it already for Tuesday but I have no idea what ethic problem I should write on... Anyway...

Goodnight J. I do really miss you.

Heleri