Hei J.,

It is me again. And like usually - I need you to console me. My heart and soul are bittered. I lied down yesterday and begged the Father to take away my feelings. I wished I could have no heart to feel any pain what is caused by love. It is not good feeling to be alone left down from some one you loved so much. I know you know the feeling. I know that your experiance has been thousands times worse than mine. It is why I need your comfort. You know how to manage the feeling when something is hurting you. I don't know. Just please, don't say it will pass. I don't want it will pass. I want to love for ever. I want to remember for ever. I want to be dead to be in for ever already.

What should I do with my life? Where should i go? Do you know? How should I teach to my son he needs to set his aims for future if I know it all is so relative. You can have the best possible aim but it can ghange with seconds. WITH SECONDS! And you are standing in middle of storm without seeing where should you go on. You are standing there and trying panically hear the voice in the middle of wind, rain and flying stuff but you can't hear anything. I am tired of running around and screaming in hope that someone answers. I am tired to feeling I am all alone and that no-one cares am I there or not. I am tired to worry are my loved one's alright. I never get to know it anyway. J., I wish to just sit down and do nothing. I just want to wait the end.

Just embarassing. Thousands around me have lost more I have and they live on. And you, J., you have lost thousand times more than all thous thousand arond me together and you are the one who has still curage to give your hands to me. You are just The Best Friend I ever have had. Thank you for that.

With Love,

Heleri