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Hi J,

I am broken. Yeah, I know You have listen me already long time saying that. But my feelings are confusing me. One moment I am happy and in other moment in tears again. I have tried to peek behind my feelings. Behind the pain but it hurts. And do you know what hurts me the most?! It is that I can't be honest even in my pain...

I do feel the pain! I really do!! You have to belive that. Just I don't know do I feel the pain because of my broken heart. It is like spooky thought inside me what wails there and tells me terrible things I don't want to listen. Those are not honorable thoughts at all. They will take the honorable stage of sufferer from me and replaces it with monstrassity. It tells me that I have never loved anyone else than just myself. That I am crying not because I lost someone but because my EGO got destroyed. Do you, J., think that also? It can be true, you know ;o( But I don't want to admit it because it makes me look like a cold heartless b**ch. But I do have a heart! I do feel! I am sad... So sad... I feel terrible wish to drop everything and just curl up in a corner and never come out from there. Please J., don't let me to do that.. I want to care about people around me, I want to care about things around me. I want to care about my studings! Please, what should I do...

I feel sick. I need to go to loo...

H.