The End of The Fairytale And The Beginning of The Life

Dear J.,

As you know I have had quite rough week behind. I am not so good in my speeches and it is why I wanted to write you this letter. It probably will help me more and you will be just the person who has to liste me but I know it is alright for you too.

Last few months have been hard for me. My frog had to move on England - closer to me. He was there already till happened something what changed our lives totally. He lost his job because of someones mistake and had to fly back to Africa. It was really hard time for him. He lost everything. Even his hope that we could ever meet again. It was hard for me as well. I was sitting here and did know nothing what is going on with him. As you remeber I was broken down. Not because of he lost his job and had to go back to Africa but because of worry about him. How he is feeling, doing and living. I afraid so much he will die. No, I afraid of that he IS already dead and I will never get to know that. I was not ready to pay that price - to live for good without knowing what happened with him. Do you remeber my desperation and beggings in tears when I asked God to help him, to keep him safe and be next to him that he could go trough of it? And also my prayers where I asked any information about him that I should not live in the pain because I don't know how is he going? The letters from him were so rare and I did understand him absolutelly when he said he as no possibilities to write to me. I even did blame myself I made him move to EU... Of course I did blame myself. Already before he got visum and ticket to EU I was doubting in the rightness of the trip. I asked him to think on staying there but he was not agree with that. He wanted to come. And I missed him so much. I still do miss, you know.

He had tried to come over so long time. First he was on England but got no visum into Estonia. He waited 3 months! Before that he had to come ealier but his mother got really ill and he couldnt come. I was blaming myself when he still came couple months later. Anyway, he tried to get visum but it never happened. Finally he had to go back to Africa. He got job there and everything seemed to go so well because the company was agree to help him from Africa to England into their company there. And they helped. Of course they promised to get him there in a 3 months but it took 5. I doubted. Maybe it was not for him? Maybe he should not come? The boss of him was offering to him better job and better income as well. He wanted to come. I was very happy because of that. I loved him so much just. I still do...

There is passed 5 months already he lost his job in England. It has been really hard time for both of us. Well.. I thought so. But seems that it was rough just for me. When I was worried about him (as you know he has not in the best healthy), crying and praying and begging end of the hearache because unknowing anything about a person who is so pressious to you, who is in your dreams and with who you have made future plans - it was just crazy time. It is hard to describe the feelings I felt. I asked God to take the pain away. I even blamed Him that He has put me in the situation but I was really sorry about that later. I asked Him to kill my feelings for him because I was so tired of worry about him. I asked Him just to give my frog back to me and end my pain! If it is His wish of course... It was not on this stage. Probably it was good. If it could happen before I wouldn't be here. The pain have made me softer. I have changed so much since then. I have always knew the changings are hard and painful experiances because if changing would not be painful it would be so easy to come better person. But to get better is not easy at all... I want to come better person but... I don't like the pain.

I had lots of studings to do. Although I am the type of persons who curl up in a dark corner and waits for end of the pain or hard times I was still going on. I was walking around like zombie but God never left me. I became as the best worker at my department and my boss paid me bonus. I had thousand preliminaries and exams and tests to do but even there God did leave me never alone. I had all "A"-s. I really mean ALL! Even very hard anatomy-physiology exam what stayed exactly in the period when he was already in Dubai and told me he is going to fly to Africa next day and will contact there with me on same day or next on after that and then I did not hear about 3 weaks from him. I was looking for plane crashes between Dubai and Johannesburg but nothing. I was just sitting there and holding my exam material on my hands and I could not read them. I was on my knees again and begging the piece into my heart. I prayed mornings and nights that God would take care of him and would keep him alive and healthy. He contacted with me 4 days after my exam. He was alive!! I got exam "A"...

But after that the letters strted to come maximum twice per month. I was missing him. I was missing to talk to him just over MSN or Skype but nothing. I missed times when we were on Hiiumaa. And the times I heard him saying goodnight to me when I was already falling into sleep. He took my glasses off, kissed me on my cheek and whispered he loves me and wished goodnight. He was my frog and althought evil voices (by my mom's and firends' mouths) said that "don't you think he has someone else?" I never belived anything like that. Ridiculous! He loved me. He had done so much because of me. He was one who said that loyalty is really important to him. He teached me how to trust. He teached to me that you have to talk to not lose eachother. Do you understand J, he teached to me how to TALK! Me who I was master of building up walls around me and push everyone away. Do you understand how grateful I am to him because of that. Do you understand how much I do love him? I have to admit that once I let the doubt into my heart and asked him does he has someone else. He said that no. And I belived him. It couldn't be anyhow else because if you love you belive. You trust your partner. He told me that... HE... is the one who could make me done what he wanted. Well.. was the one.

Do you remember my prayer when I was asking the end of the pain? I didn't say out loudly then that I wish the end even if it is the notice about his death or that he has someone else? Yeah, I remember that too ;o) Of course I did relized how cruel it was from me but I missed his death more than other woman into his life because it could be easier for me :o) Ja, I know it was not nice. I remember also the guilty feeling then and the pain what the note could cause to me but... that could be the final pain. I knew that I would survive but it is pain what you don't wish even to your enemy. Then I begged God again that He would finish it all for me. I asked Him to change my life. I asked Him to take my life! But it felt too irresponsible because of Jakob so I asked Him to end The World... I asked Him to give my frog back to me... If... it is His will.

If I should describe my life on some grafic then there would be 3 arrows. Yellow and green one what would show up and blue one what rans downward. Yellow - my work, green - my studies and blue - my heart. One short moment I was thinking that I would give green and yellow arrow for blue arrow what would ran on opposite direction. But I am old enough to understand how childish it would be. I have had so many blessings of God and I have felt them physically so I have decided never leave God again. It was desicion what I made with my heart. I was like child clenched into my dream I built up years ago and I wanted it to come true whatever it takes. But I saw every day clearer and clearer during the laste 2 years that it won't happen. Just I couldn't let it to go. There was the truth what was glaring at me into my eyes... I didn't want to see it. I turned my head away and if I couldn't turn then I closed my eyes. But last Thursday I HAD to wach into eyes of that pain... I was happy before it. I had to have practic part of my preliminary of "healthy child". On Monday I had the first part of it - the test. Jee... it was hard! But you know that already - I had only "A" on whole class. There was also just on "B". So it just shows how hard it was. Everyone was afraiding the practical part on Friday. Including me. And then it did happen.

I got the letter from my Frog what broke me down. Bad joke that I was so happy when I saw the letter. It had to tell me what was happened during the months after he lost the job. My smile died on my face and replaced with pain in my heart. The letter did not surprais me actually. My first thought was "What now? Sigaretts and vodka?" (the reaction of old me who wanted to escape for hurt). I had surmise about it but till it had not happened I did hope the mirakles will happen. But not this time. He told me he loves me but he had met someone else and seems that there are growing up something bigger. Well.. It was shortly. I couldn't read the whole letter because the first 10 lines made me feel like my heart will explode. I read it trough in diagonal. The first thought was - "finally! Now I don't have tg grieve him anymore in my unknowings is he alive or not..." And I wasn't even angry :o) And then I got angry. I felt I have right to be angry because not being angry meant for me to be like him when he told me couple letters ago that he is not even angry if we broke down. OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T BE!!!! HE had someone else who could comfort of him!! Probably he is not even thinking on me anymore. And I was the one who made heself fool during the months sending e-mails with messages how much I love him and what I feel because of he is not letting me know what is going on with him. I was dying in pain when he was getting comfort from someone else! Jee.. It hurted. It meant that he didn't care about me anymore long time. Not even so much to say me "Stop it! You are foolishing yourself!" How come I didn't feel anger! I was there all alone with broken heart noone comforting me and I felt I am NOT ANGRY! All my life broke down into dust and I felt suddenly standing there where was no way and wish to go on anymore. I thought that THIS is THE END OF THE WORLD now! AND I WAS NOT ANGRY! No-no-no! I had to be angry! To be angry is needed if you want to get over of the pain! It is a stage of it. And it meant tha I HAVE to be angry. Especially because it was the end of the World! Well... It was the end. But not of the world of course. Just the end my fairytale.

The changes of life are painful. Especially when they are so ultimate like mine was. I standed up and closed my laptop. I knew I will survive but it was the pain in me what I never wish to anyone. It is the pain what all of us have experienced when we have lost some very close and important person you have cherrish with all your heart. I was thinking on you, J. I wanted so much to say that I did understand then what you felt there, hanging on the cross of yours, when your heart exploded because of pain. I felt the pain what was almost exploding my heart as well. But I couldn't say that. Your pain were millions times bigger and it was so SELFLESS and my heartache was nothing next to it. It was only because me being selfish. I have always said that I am selfish. Human love is the most selfish feeling they have because it wants to possess beloved one.

I have possibility to come better person now. It means that I will love without possessing him. It means that I will love even he won't love me back. It means I will forgive to him... But will I?

It is Sunday, J., and I can put my hand on my heart and say I am survived. I am survived only because of you. I was begging you to stay to me and comfort me. Was begging you take away the pain I felt. You comforted me when I was asking you "What will I do now? What about tomorrow? How will I do my preliminary test?" I wanted to die because of pain what was caused about my dreams what crashed. Because of the emptiness inside of me and my life. You gave me thought to call to someone and first time in my life I screamed I need help. I called to Kärt. She came together her mom. Actually was Anne next one into my list but 2 of them were even better. When they arrive I felt myself quite dumb. I was standing there and was thinking what now? I had to tell whole story to them. Jee.. I felt myself fool. What do I have tell to tehm? That I was in love a man who actually could be even just a phantom? How could I discribe everything what was between us? It will sound like bad joke just... I wonder if they won't even think that "What did you thought then? The relationships trough Internet won't survive!" Well... I had to try to explain it now.

I am happy I did. They never showed out they thought like I was thinking they could think. It was really big help they came. I am really grateful for them. The talking made me see clearer about the situation. Of course it didn't take the pain away. It just opened my eyes more wider. They hugged me before they left. And Kärt whispered to me "You are dear to me. Just don't jump down from the train." Although I did understand what she meant I was still just thinking how will I live over the night. I was standing there and repeating Psalm 23:

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

I repeated it. Panically. Rapidly. Wailing between the texts because of hurt. It could even sound like some witch' raving. I did it till I could breath again. I went to bed. I was lying there when teh pain returned. I was asking the God take the pain away. I was repeating just the phrase "Please, take the pain away. Please, please!" and it was mixed with lines into Psalm 23. Then it remind to me I have a pill of Imovane into my drawer. Just a usual sleeping pill. I found it once at work on the floor when the patient was left already. It was still on the packet so I put it into my pocket and forgot it there. Later when I wanted to wash my clothes I found it into my pocket and put it into my drawer. I didn't expect to never use it but now i wanted to use it. I made it half and swallowed it. It was really bitter. I went to bed and fall to sleep. Not for long. I woke up at middle of night and couldn't sleep more. My heart was hurting. I was crying scratching my chest like I could to rip my heart off. I couldn't... That's good.

Because then came a new day. I told to God that if I will make my preliminary exam on "A" I will give all my life on His hand. I let Him to lead it. And I made the exam. I was the first one who pulled the ticket and second one who answered. I talked. I just talked. I got the practic part "A". "A" for this part and "A" for the test part on this Monday gave together an "A". So it was the next prove of how great is God and how He had hold me and blessed my doings.

I went home. I was thinking how the life goes on. I reliszed thta it was easier to think that my Frog is dead... And probably after the end of this story he will be dead for me again. I haven't read his letter again and I won't do that so soon anyway. I will do that once when I have went on with my life and I can watch back on it and when I can say "It had to go like that." I remember some of the info I got from the letter when I readed it first time and thinking on it now it dissapoints me more. And that dissapointment made me to realize that my frog was just a frog. He had told me so many times how important is to be honest and the needings of to be open minded but now he couldn't do the same. Maybe I just expected that if someone is waiting you to do something then he will do it itself as well. I dissapointed the way how he tried to justify himself. It was just discusting. Well.. it was discusting for me because I saw there just a try to explain to HIMSELF why he had to do what he was doing. Of course I am just a woman in pain who should feel the dissapoitment ;o) Still... It could be more not so discusting end when he could just tell me that it happened because of it did not that he fabricate some excuse up from past ages ago. Anyway... he is just a human. I hope that he feels better because of that then at least and probably he will if he fooled him away cos in other way it is just nasty not only for me but for both of us.

And you know what, J., I still love him. I would be really happy he would be with me and you but I am not a dreamer. Not anymore. I love him but I know the flame of that love will burns down soon. You know why I am able to write about it here already now, 3 days later? Because of you. I have had ended relationships before too. The pain in heart has been alway hard but the way how I did maintain the pain then and now is different. It is Sunday and I slept all night without woking up. Without I thought on him and without of pain in my heart. I asked the end of the pain what lasted months and it came. Not like I wished but still, it came. And I am big girl I know that when one story ends the next one will start. The story about a frog and a princess found its end. But the story about me and new beginning will start on the day I'll rise up my head and go on again. And it is not far away. The pain (thanks to you and the God) has been shortly in me but I knew it was needed. The child born will be always hurtful but there will come a day when I'll watch back and say "It was exactly what I wanted" and I will smile back to the life.

I may say now just that the fairytale about a frog and a princess had couple good resalts:
1st - the frog lead his princess back to the God and it changed her life for ever. (Maybe it was just the point of all the story at all? Who knows...)
2nd - she will lose great ammount of her weight as she had always wished {3 days have passed since the letter and I have lost 4 kg :o)} and what she couldn't do before at all. And even if the loss of weight is not enough before the pain goes away then she has still the letter she never read through. It may remain the pain again... Funny, I was laughing on the thought but you know it may even work!

Well... I have always joked that someone has to broke my heart because this could be protuctive and creative for my writtings. It was joke of course and all jokes have their little part of truth in them. But well... sometimes it kills as well.

What else I have to say, J. I love him. But sometimes is love not enough. I ask you something, J. I ask you to talk to the God and ask Him to forgivness to him because of the pain he caused to me. I need you to be there and ask Him to forgive to him and stay with him. Let the pain stay away from him what I did experiance because his heart is not so strong as mine. Let he will get happy if... it is his wish. Also I ask you to beg Him to forgive to me in case I am not able to forgive to him. I believe I am forgiven but He knows better. Maybe I am just broken too much to understand my feelings correctly...

Heleri

PS! I have to contact to Kärt to ask what were those phases of grievings to make it all right - denial, anger, conciliation and forgivness? I don't want to miss any of them and to know them is needed to go through of them on right line. Just that I could get over all of this with the shoretst time it is possible. I want to start the new story in my life on clean sheet. And the creativity doesn't matter at all...