The Decision

Dear Father,

Do you rememember my prayer where I asked You to forgive me being stubborn? That I did ask You to forgive me that I wanted my dreams would come true? Before I wished they would come true without Your blessing but later... later I needed You to bless it. I was upset You never did it. I cried and begged You to do that because I wanted it so much. Like spoiled child I didn't care was it good at all. If I finally started to understand it never happens I saw even why but I did cherrish still hope in my chest. My prayers changed. I started beg You to give me my dreams if it will be Your will and if it is not wish of Yours You had to show me what is my part on the Earth. Yeah, I asked You to show it to me but I never wanted to watch it. Through the pain I got to know first what will not belong into my life. It was hard. It is still hard. And then I asked you to stay with me and hold me till my pain is gone. I promised to stay with You always that You could lead me where is the best. I remember a thought in my head that I sound like a man in a story who stayed into storm on the sea and asked God to help him to survive. He promised to buy a chandelier for a church if he will survive. But when he got saved he bought just a candleholder. Yes, I remember the thought that when You take the pain I can start talking with You about my promise to let me to listen You in everything. I am sorry for the thought, dear Father. I am sorry that I am so... so unsteady. I do remember my promise and I have made my decision.

You saw me collapsing today again. It happens when I will stay at home alone. For a moment I wanted to say sorry for that but actually... actually I am not sorry. It showed me how much I do need you and how shelfish I have been with You. I was sad that I have needed Your support mostly only when I have had hard times. I was sorry for that I was trying to be Your child without getting know You better. I am sorry for that I thought Your support to me is self-explanatory. I am sorry for that I have been shelfish with my wishes without giving back anything. For all of that I am sorry but not that I collapsed today. Thank you that You have never-ever left me alone and that You are still there when I need You. It's why I wanted to write to you - to appologize and tell You how dear You are. Also I wanted to let You know what decision I have made.

I am not trading horse with You but I have to ask You to help me before I make my decision official. It is not sausage-for-sausage-case. Just... I am so feeble to keep my promises without You to help me. It is why I do ask You to be always next to me even when I will break down and don't want to get up again I ask You to stay with me and comfort me till I am ready to stand again. I ask You to remind me my promises when I want to turn back to You and walk away. I ask You to bless everything I will do for Your name and show me the way You need me to go clearly because my eyes are not keen. And I ask you to take the pain from me and leave just my love for me. That I would never bicome a bitter lady but that I could see positive events around me and that I would be curage to go and comfort others who need it. Hear me always as You have heard me till now then I am able to keep my promise to You. Without You I am nothing and I need You always next to me. I hope my story won't end like did Judas'.

I already told You when I made my decision. I also told You what was it. I even told You what I felt and thought when I made the decision. My pain is gone now and I have had time to think clearly on it after I collapsed today. It is to get to know You better and hold on Your side whatever should happen in my life. I will give my best to listen Your voice and even more to not mix it with my wishes. And I will try to blog all my steps on the way I go or think. I ask You to be with me there and lead me with all Your kindness and caring. I did read Psalm 1 today and the first 3 verses today and it touched me deeply. It told:

"Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

It's the first thing I need to change in my life. I want and I need to get to know you more.

Heleri