Fight

You are the biggest enemy of yourself. And the hardest one. Esoecially when you feel that you have been an emotional victim because of some close person of you. Everyone knows that fellowmen can hurt you the most and it is really difficult to forgive. The victim has been you! So forgiving will be really big victory. Victory what only you do understand and value. Noone else will understand it.

As you do for your friend, your friend will do for you. Common knowledge. So if you hurt someone or betray his/her trust you can't wait your friend will smile at you and just forgives. It is not human nature. But now . . . what should do now real christian? Even thinking on that stabs painfully in my heart. As a christian, I should not think on myself but on others. And it is still so hard. Even if I think that everything you do you do for God. But God would not hurt me or betray my trust!!!

Sixty two . . .

Writting 9 points from 20
Listening 11.875 points from 20
Reading 13 points from 20
Structure of language 9 points from 20
Verbal part 19 points from 20

So . . . What else I can say now . . . Complain? Pftttt! I could complain if i did see lots of trouble with studing. You can't wait for better result if you have opened books just night before exams. Well . . . but I do hope it is enough for me to get into the college as a midwife. So . . . I can say I AM DONE WELL!!! (but I could do better and it is bothering me.)

I don't want to complain but I am still sick of waiting results of my english exam. How long is possible to check 15 works? Yeah, waiting is not easy thing to do :(

I am so lazy. Althought I didn't study much before exam I still had energy to think on that I have to study. Now I just exist. Just a thought that I have to do something useful is draining me off. And I really do think that computer's games are from satan. They are boring and still take your time (what I could use just for sleep because it is also USEFULL doing) and I really feel mayself bad that I let it go still so. Althought I would like to put down a promise since today I wont do that but it would make me feel more bad because I do know that I wont keep it. :'(

Ah, but I can try!! I will constitute my own little organization for ppl who wants to get rid off their laziness and start doing something useful for theirselves and for others. Good good! I have already idea what to do! Now I just need to think out a name for it and then I can think on. Hmm . . . or I just go to sleep now.

School is far away . . .

Umbrage - is it a sin?

Human feelins are so hard to understand. Sometimes when you don't understand them you used to say even that they "are funny". But funny are they only because you don't understand them. Let's take a feeling like umbrage. It is negative feeling. Easy one. And it can come just from some misunderstanding. You just understood wrong what other person said and when it is not going as you expected then you get upset. And even if everyone is watching you in your umbrage and say it is so silly, you have still quite big feelings behind it. It is like mixture of pain and embarassment. Explained with other feelings . . . Like a sweet pain in your chest and you can't rid off it. Yeah, you can't. Not easily.

You do understand that it was just stupid misunderstanding. You are saying to yourself that you have expected something what was not there. That other person even didn't say anything what would let you expect what you were expecting! But you still expected . . . Whose fault is that? Of course yours. Althought that other person has always done it were your expectations exeggerated. We start too easily wait from ppl things what we should not. It should be not usual. We should be happy there are ppl around us who do things for us. Every single time with every single thing!

So you expected something. It didn't happen. You took umbrage. Later you thought on it and understood you made a mistake. So, with that you should get over of any feeling what remainds umbrage! But will you? Of course not. You start justify you being upset. "You had to right to think that the person is doing that because it has always went like that. The peron has always done it!" Pftt!

So hard are feelings of human. You have to fight with them becaus they try to barry you. You know inside that your feelings are not right but you are still feeling it. You push down the knowing that it is not right and let your selfjustification to grow. You felt bad and you have right to feel like you want. The little detail that your feeling were based on wrong expectations we just don't remaind anymore. How often we hear that "you have to think on yourself"? Easier would be to think on yourslef indeed and pout some time but isn't it waste of your time? And time of this person?

My consience is dark. Althought I have laid out everything here and things are much clearer for me now I still have a thorn in my heart. So hard is to fight with human nature. The branches have growed inside and it is so hard to strech them outside now. The Sun touches are so painful althought you know it makes only good. We should listen more often our consience - God's voice inside us.

Siga tige

My day sucks and I feel not OK. I am angry on myself that I have spoiled my day what started so happily. How could I put myself in a situation what had to finally go as it went? Jee. How stupid things can a person to do?

All started from that I wanted to go at my sister's place. Not that it would be bad. No, it is not. Just the day was wrong. I should not go there on Sabbath. And I should not go there without food I can eat either. I knew it all but I still went there. Pfftt! And if I wanted to be back for evening then I should know that it wont happen anyway. I am sad that I am so thoughtless.

I was sitting there and when it was nice and sunny day was my uncle chopping logs. I thought I should go to help him and went to set logs into woodpile. I made even Jakob to do that. And suddenly I did relize that it was Sabbath. So I was standing there logs in my hands and didn't know what to do. Till I was doubting there I still set them into the pile. I went back inside. Then they decided to start have bbq. Pfftt! I was hungry and so was Jakob. And what they did grill there then?! Ofc porkmeat and sausages. I turned around and said to Jakob we are leaving and we caught a buss back to Tartu. I did pay for bus ticket and I already knew it was Sabbath but I wanted back home. Now all what I have to do is that I live with my bad feelings what I got only because of me. I did spoil my wonderful day.

Hi La Padda of mine,

It is nice Sabbath today. Weather is sunny but not so hot because wind is cooling heating down. It is just good walking weather for try to see beauty in surrounding enviroment what the Lord has put in it. But you are not here so I am not going to have that walk. I am that kind of person who wants to share what she notices or feels when it is there. It's why noone can find me alone from some exhibitation as well.

Anyway, my morning started alright. Mom stayed overnight and you know, she was not weeping once this morning!! Just great day! She brought us at Jakob's school and after we got his certification he has finished his class we walked back to the church. We managed to get there for lessons. Afterward I called to my mom beacause I thought she is still at home. She had to go at Hanna's place because Annaliis has today party. She is fiinishing her kindergarden. Next autumn she is already a schoolgirl. I thought I can't go with her but I had time enough for that. But she left ealier than she told me so she was already on the road. Aunty Asti called later and said that mom was called to her and she was in Tartu but that it takes about hour and half from her to get ready to leave. So seems I am going with her when she is contacting with me again. And that hour and half gave me possibility to stay in the church to listen a preacher. Marge called and was there also at ten so I think it went all alright because I didn't have to leave her alone there.

Oh and guess who was preaching today! Toomas of course! He was talking about tricks and mirakles and how they are apearing in our lives and how we should react on them. We have our own David Coperfield in Estonia, you know. He is called as a "trikimees" (trickman) and Toomas was telling how he watche the show and tried to guess how he is doing those tricks. And that he noticed how the ppl there were all amazed and some of them even believed that he is so powerful she can make things to disapear and then apear again. And then he was talking about Moses and how he and his brother went to the pharaoh and made what God asked to do do (throwed sheppard stick on the ground and how it became as a snake and how pharaoh trickmen did the same; and then the bloodriver thing too). Point of it was that we should see the real mirakles among the tricks AND that we should not live only from mirakle to mirakle but that serving God should be our everydaylife and mirakles we see should just confirm our belief. And end of the preach he read couple verses from Isaiah 40. All the chapter is very good so I don't quote it here. I really dont know why she was talking about it (I had phonecall and I was out in hall during the explanation time) but the chapter touched something in me.

Anyway, the day have been good till now. I am sitting at home an waiting the phone call from my aunt. I will see you later (I don't know when) but I will ;o) Love you and miss really a lot. I do hope your day there in COLD Africa is the same good as mine here ;o)

With best wishes,
Your Princess.

NINETEEN!!!!!

Yep!! Nineteen points for verbal part of exam! I am genius!!



Pftt! Ofc it is to early to be happy for it because it was just 1/5 from whole exam and I am sure that they don't let foolish theirselves with written part. There is everything black-and-white on the paper. 5 by 20 points for every part . . .