Outch!

Today I got 4 sms. When I started reading those my heart jumped because first one what I read was: "I love you dearly. You are my life, my love and my heart blood. I miss you. I need you. Be good and miss me andremember I love you. I am your frog :)" I was shaking. It could not be true! I read other sms-s and... It could not be true... Those were ones I have got already. My phone operator resend all messages I had in my phone. The message was from 1st July 2006. Really bad joke... It just rip open all my fresh wounds again. I want delete everything. I want to die. Just die.. do not excist. There are so many things around me what don't let me forget. Why?

I feel so pathetic :( What should I do? I don't know... Would help me a box where I cather everything what remainds me him? Would it? All my past in a box... Oh dear heaven, let I have diabetes that I could fall in coma and die! There is anyway noone who loves me...

During a day...

Morning didn't start very well. Going over to the summertime have drained out everyone. It was hard to get up from the bed. And my son decided to catch some virus as well. He had body temperature 38.8 by Celcius. Well... he had possibility to stay at home. But I had to get up to dress amd rum at work.

Wow! At work! During workingdays! Lots of people around me I haven't seen so long already! Fro this aspect the studies haven't been so good. I have missed my workmates. I have to be today here just 12 hours but it will be the best hours. I should be at school but there were some boring lessons today where from I can allow myself to miss. Lovely. I could hug everyone. So good to see them. Weekends are boring. Almost alwasys I am alone with just a nurse. Seems they have missed me as well because I got possibility to practice mesuring blood pressure.

I asked Age to measure my blood suggar. She cut through my finger arter! Or it seemed she did... She ticked me with the needle and clenched my finger to press a drop of blood on the measurer and... jee, my blood just squirt out so all table and wall was full of quite big blood spots. :P And Age was exaited! She said she had first time when something like that happened. Usually you have to squeese a lot before you get reasonable ammont of blood (it means - a drop) on the measurer. Well, anyway... My bloodsuggar was 6.4 and I wasn't eat till last afternoon and then as well just a little piece of chicken. And couple of weeks I haven't had any sweets or bread (no white nor black). I really mean it... So I am a bit worried about that but... Well, it didn't work when I was running around and telling them I am dying and they have to inject insulin in me! They just shrugged their shoulders and said So what!!!! How careless! :P Ah, alright.. I need to check my blood suggar now more often if I want to prevent diabetes...

Ah, and the news is that they start vote the year nurse and carer. I did ask from my boss where is the box where I should let in my voting papers one by one with my names. Kadi just laughed and told I can't do that because nurses are giving votes for carers. Sweet! Cheating won't go through! Ai-ai-ai!

It remains to me that life is the flower. And THAT reminds me it is really beautiful and sunshiny day and I should ask Maris to come have walk with me. Oh, and she is coming!!

****************

TADV list:

Subject: Youth evening 1st April...

...takes part at Tom ....at 19.00 like usually...
Will see you then... I will take a new book with... You can take with the youth prayer week storys also just in a case...

Kärt

Subject: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Are you sure still it takes part at Tom? Or is it like that we all are going at Tom and there is a note on the door: APRIL! We get together at Mervi actually :)

Kind April to everyone... and smile more.

Karin

Subject: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Don't worry Karin, Kärt has no sense of humour.

Tom

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

Kärt doesn't have to have any. It is enugh you have, Tom.
So are we going to have barbecue?

Heleri

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Youth evening 1st April...

No barbecue today.
There will be party instyle of Wild West.
Dresscode - jeans, chequered flannel shirt, hat.
Take with - your own chewing tobacco.
Ticket on the door - 2 dollars per face, well-behaved girls will get it for half.
Planned - dance in line a la chicken

Tom

********************

Great... Where do I get schequered shirt?...

Oh I got one! :D I will dress up and then I go to have walk with Maris.!

Wow!! It is so late... I have farmacology's test tomorrow... But the night and whole day was just wonerful today ;o) Just couple sad moments but ... I want to go on ;o)
Youth evening was great as well. I had possibility to say what I do think about the youth in church and outside of the church and hopefully it will change a bit now. We decided to get together sometimes just for chat also. To get to know eachother better without trying always make those times so ecclesiastic ;o)

I need to buy vodka. Jakob has still high teperature. I haven't got it down. Maybe I should wrap him in a sheet what is moistured with vodka??? ;P

On the weels again

There has passed just a week and I was back into car again. It was wonderful day for speeding. Spring is coming. May heart will trick with me still a bit but mostly I am laughing again. I know it is just a part of my defencive at moment but still... It is good to laugh even your heart is in tears. Roads are dry and clean. Not much cars were on the road. I enjoyed every minute there. A bit sas was to think that I refused go with guys couple weeks ago when they went just to have fire my the Peipsi lake somewhere. The icepath is probably melted already. Pfft. Nah, the boys know so well how to have good time. Why I refuse then every time to spend that together them? Next time! Next time... hmm... next time will be when I ask Allan to change my tyres for summer tyres. Good he told me I can ask him any time to do that. I need to call to him and make sure he and Markus have time for me and maybe even more we could do something they usually do together. It would be fun. I am amazed how easily they take everything.

Naahh... I am grazy. How could I step up in so young men gang? Are they now 20 or a bit more? What will I do with them? Yah, how they do take everything so easy :p I am already worring how do I can spend time with them till I am so old! That's the place for good laugh. If they think I am cool enough to ask me to join with them then why should I worry? Alright, I won't. I just need some better clothes for that... like jeans and sportshoes... Oh, and bicycle! Seems that I won't eat next month also :D I will get it to myself!!

Just a chocolate

Nurse: Do you need something?
A man with a dropper (MWD): No-no! My neighbour wants to see her. He points at me.
Nurse: Her?
MWD: Yes, something happened there?
me: Really? What happened?
MWD: You have to go there. He smiles.
me: Alright. I smile back. He is tall man. I perceive he was a big man before they told him he has a cancer. His big nose is red and full of purple vessels. It is from chemicals what the dropper slowly leads into his body. He simles. Always. I like him a lot.
MDW: Blatts maybe... He shrugs. His eyes are blinking and I see some light there. My heart goes cold and I start worry. I stop my work in a room of procedures and turn around to go in room 8. I step into my room to get some rubber gloves.
MDW: No-no. You don't need anything. He smiles.
Me: Really? I do smile back again when I take still pair of gloves into my pocket and holding other pair on my hand. I afraid his neighbour a bit. He is serios high and skinny man who never smiles. I afraid he even don't like me. I eneter into the rroom and stop in front of his bed.
me: Hi, how can I help? He just glares at me. Did I do something wrong? What could it be.. Dear heaven, stop glaring at me and say something! He doesn't. He opens just a drawer and takes from there a small plastic bag with something wrapped into a newspaper... What's now? He wants me unwrap his book? Alright. I can do that. He gives it to me.
Neighbour of MWD: For you. He sets his head back on his pillow. Huh?!
me: Thank you. Thank you very much! I watch at MWD. Dear man! Why did you scare me like taht? He smiles. I laugh.

Dear heaven! And I thought he hates me. He has never smiled at me. He has never told me any friendly word. But something I did made him feel he wants to thank me. I am happy. Oh, not because of chocklat what was in the bag. I am happy that something I did made him feel good. It is the heartfelt something why I love my job. I don't need gifts. It's enough when you got a smile or hug or wishper what asks me to come visit him/her after they are leaving from clinic. It is that great feeling you get from knowing someone felt better or happier because you had time for him/her.

The end of Youth prayer week 2008

It's over. We had presentation on Satturday evening and it was really good. I will tell you what happened there... Soon. ;o) It is my favorite word already. Always soon...

The girls night and what happened....

Back at home. Write about it tomorrow if I have filled all my duties for others :o)

************
30th March, Sunday.

Well, duties are done. Even more I expected myself to do. I was in full swing and after I finished a letter I wrote I did as well an artickel for a journal I promsed to do couple weeks ago (it had to go in april number anyway so I wasn't late there ;o)). After all of it I suddenly realised that it was night where we had to turn our clocks on an hour. So it was not 1:30 but 2:30 AM and I had to get up on the morning at 6:00 AM. I am at work and half day is alrady passed. I have lots of works so I am in run all the time but I can allow some minits to sit here now. But anyway.. about the niht then...

It was about 7:20 PM when Maris called me she is on the way down from Riia hill and that she dropped her lifemate next to the first-aid centrum. His friend had to pick up him there sometime... I got just home and I needed to finish a infosheet for my shurch so I asked her to get up at me. I did made some updates and sent the infosheet to my pastor. He didn't had glasses with today so he asked me to send it to him. We crabbed with the stuff we bought ealier during the day.

Kadri laughed when she saw us. We had too big bags for three of us. As planned we got some veggies like paprika, cauliflower, carrots, cucumber and tomatos. And some fruits like pieapple, apple, bananas and strawberries. Then we had 2 packets of Tallegg chicken wieners and a roll of pastry for pies. Maris got 3 packets of juice also.

When we start get ready food realised Maris she forgot dips so they went together Kadri at shop. I stayed there to prepear food. I did cut pastry for squares, wraped them around wienies and placed into oven. Then I washed veggies and started peeling and cutting them handful pieces for dipsouces.

Maris and Kadri returned and brought me flowers. Ah, they were so cute. ;o) 11 tulips. Well, they got the bunch of tulips for theirselves too. Good, it gave the feeling we have spring! Although watching outside told anything else. If I could find a way how to set up slideshow I could show it but I haven't managed to do that yet. Anyway.. Finally we were ready and we could go on wtiht our plans for the night. We set up boardgame "Eesti" ("Estonia") and started playing. Guess what, I won! ;o)

During the game we ate almost all rolls we made and veggies. Jee.. my tummy was full and got upset. But I didn't care much of it. I had forgotten my everyday problems because we had fun. After game we set up fondou pot and got over it. We had some fight in chocklat where we tried to steal others fruitpieces. I wonder we never pushed ovr the pot. Finally, when we were so full we could just lie on the ground we had some chat over school. The girls planned to go to "greenies" bicycle trip. It will take place in May and will cost about 500 krones for students. Just great, I had thought long time already to get a bicycle for myself and now I had just good reason to get it. I asked Maris to come with me look for a bicycle for me some day. She told that if I can't have it now she can barrow me one. Lovely. I just cant wait for it now. It would be great and quality time with friends and it is just what I need. So hard is find friends who would like to do the same things as I do. And now we got togethere and got to know that we had at least one good reason to spend more time together.

On the way back at home told Maris me that despite of my old age she takes me as the same age. And she likes to spend time with me. Great, just great. I like to be young.

The youth week of prayer 2008 eigth story

8. Calvary
the ultimate price

Matthew 26:47-75; 27 & 28; Mark 14:32-72; Luke 22-24
Gifford Rhamie
It’s hard to stand in court when all the evidence is stacked against you. We live in a country that prides itself in a judicial system that springs from the philosophy of the freedom of the individual: that you are ‘innocent before proven guilty’. But it’s hard to appear innocent when all the evidence compellingly conspires against you. In fact, then, you are guilty before you are even tried — ‘guilty before proven innocent’.

I’ve been there! I committed a traffic offence. I drove faster than my guardian angels, but not faster than the speed camera. It caught me. The photographic evidence was there. I was, my friends, ‘guilty before proven innocent’. There was no one between my soul and the magistrate, no one between except the court clerk, and what a stickler for the law she was. [In Great Britain, the magistrates’ court handles petty crime and the court clerk is the expert on the law who duly advises the magistrates.]

“Why are you here?” She interrogated, “You broke the law didn’t you?” “The penalty is mandatory – a £70 fine!” “You’re guilty aren’t you?” “Have you seen the photographic evidence?” “Then why are you here?” “Pay the fine!”

She not only said what she had to say, her entire frame embodied what she had to say. She threw the whole book at me, without reservation, without even an ounce of mercy – even though she knew I was a pastor! (In fact, I thought she had something against pastors!) The photographic evidence for her was enough – I was guilty as charged.

I felt silly and foolish before the little woman. By the time she was finished with me, my tall frame shriveled up to nothingness before her petite frame. Her face looked like the long face of the law, which rendered me defenseless. I would have been sent to the gallows had it not been for the words of the magistrate, “Have you got anything to say?” That came like a breath of fresh air! And all I could say was, “I had to pay the price of speeding to set her free!”

My experience serves as a parable of the human standing before heaven. You and I are charged by the arch-enemy, Satan, of a crime worthy of the ultimate death penalty. We are guilty, because we were “born in sin an shaped in iniquity”. Indeed, “in sin did our mother conceive us”. The penalty for our condition is death – eternal separation from God, eternal damnation. Now in the face of our condemnation, has God got anything to say? Well, what God has to say comes like a breath of fresh air, because it comes in the person of Jesus Christ. When I said to the magistrate, “I had to pay the price. . .,” I was talking about a speeding ticket. When God says, “I have paid the price,” God is talking about the ultimate price paid on Calvary to set everyone free.

Calvary is the answer to the charge of Satan. Calvary is what gives the human pardon from the penalty of death. Calvary is what makes us free. Calvary is the ultimate price for any pardon. But why Calvary? What makes Calvary the ultimate price?

The Man of Calvary
Calvary is the ultimate price simply because of the Man of Calvary. He is Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God. God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto Himself (Philippians 2:4-6). “He who knew no sin became sin for us,” 2 Corinthians... Jesus is the God-man. Only the God-man could save man. Only the Creator Himself, is qualified to save His creation. That’s why the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth (John 1:14). No angel would do, no other created being could do. He had to be the God-man called Jesus Christ. Only He who personally knew the height and depth of the love of God could accomplish our redemption.

But know this that God Himself chose to rescue us through Jesus. Jesus chose to give His life as a substitute for us. He didn’t have to. He didn’t simply and passively lose His life as though He had no control. He actively gave it.

It is told that in the First World War there was a young French soldier who was seriously wounded. His arm was so badly smashed that it had to b amputated. He was a magnificent specimen of young manhood, and the surgeon was grieved that the youngster had to go through life without a limb. So he waited beside his bedside to tell him the bad news when he recovered consciousness. When the lad’s eyes opened, the surgeon said to him: “I am sorry to tell you that you have lost your arm.” “Sir,” said the lad, “I did not lose it; I gave it – for France.”

Do you see the point? Jesus did not lose his life, he gave it! When Jesus was taken from Pilot’s court to Herod’s and back again, Jesus was not helplessly caught up in a mesh of circumstances from which he could not break free. We are told that He could have called upon 10,000 angels to intervene and save His life. He did not lose His life; He gave it. The Cross was not thrust upon Him; He willingly accepted it — for you and me.

And guess what, it was the ultimate price, though He did it for free. You see, there are some things that money cannot by.

Money can buy a bed but not sleep, a hammer but not a carpenter, “things’ but not friends, a toy but not a child’s happiness, a pen and paper but not an author, a pencil but not an idea, a house but not a home, a wedding but not peace, paints but not an artist, eyeglasses but not eyesight, a chair but not rest, a computer but not wisdom, a flag but not patriotism, a gun but not a soldier, a book but not knowledge, a machine but not a skill, a name but not a man, a church but not a religion, an altar but not salvation, and a cross but not a Saviour.’ There are some things that money cannot buy. Money cannot buy love.

There is not price tag on love. The sacrifice of one’s life is the ultimate price. Moreover, money can’t buy a Saviour. So it’s Jesus the God-man that makes Calvary so special.

What is your picture of Jesus today? So often we picture Jesus without the cross. We picture Jesus without the nail-print scars in His hands. We prefer a Jesus who looks like a big brother, or even an unclelike figure, but not the Jesus of Calvary.

But did you know that the more we study and contemplate Jesus in light of the cross, the more we see mercy, tenderness, and forgiveness blended with equity and justice. The more we walk and talk with this figure of Jesus who has fresh nailprints in His hands, the more we see Jesus in our mind’s eye as the One who died in our place, as the One who died to save us, the more we would have the assurance that we are justified through the merit of his sacrifice. It is the Jesus of Calvary, not the Jesus of the womb or the tomb; but the Jesus of Calvary who gives the sinner another chance.

My friends, if at any time you begin to fear that you will be lost, that Jesus does not love you, look to Him at Calvary. He says, “I am He that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive forevermore,” (Revelation 1:18). Further, he says when you are witnessing of him, “Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the ages,” (Matt. 28:20).

So Calvary is special because of the Man of Calvary, Jesus Christ.

The Cross of Calvary
But Calvary is the ultimate price also because of the cross of Calvary. “The cross is the only ladder high enough to touch Heaven’s threshold.” “The cross is the only key to set man free.”

While taking a prisoner from a correctional centre to be arraigned on charges of attempted armed robbery, police constable John Bolton noticed a cross around the neck of the convict. Knowing the man was not religious, he took a closer look. The prisoner then attempted to hide something that was protruding from the top of the cross. When questioned, he said it was a good luck charm designed to look like a spoon for sniffing cocaine. But Constable Bolton was suspicious that it looked like a handcuff key. So he took it away and by experimentation found that this special cross could open most handcuffs. This discovery led to the exposure of an underground attempt by prisoners in Ontario, Canada to make a number of these cross-type-keys.

But friends while there have been attempts to make crosses that can set people free; there is only one cross that can set humans free! It frees them from the bondage and condemnation of the law, and that cross is the cross of Calvary. Unfortunately many are more concerned about freedom for the body than they are about freedom for the soul. Whether insid or outside prison, all men need the cross that sets us free.

We need to lift high the cross. We need to put the cross back where it belongs. I don’t mean around some pious neck, nor consigned to a rosary, or even confined to a church. All I’m saying is that the cross be raised again:

That the cross be raised again at the centre of the market place

as well as on the steeple of the church, I am recovering the claim that Jesus was not crucified in a cathedral between two candles:

But on a cross between two thieves; on a town garbage heap;

At a cross-road of politics so cosmopolitan that they had to write His title in Hebrew and in Latin and in Greek...

It was the kind of place where cynics talk smut, and thieves curse and soldiers gamble.

That’s where we need to raise the cross.

Because that is where He died, and that is what He died about.

And that is where Christ’s men ought to be, and what church people ought to be about.

In many communities, it is not fashionable to admit that you are a Christian. In fact, the cross is a symbol of shame and disgrace as it was 2000 years ago, although for different reasons. However, the same way Jesus turned the symbol from shame and disgrace to “amazing grace” by his sacrifice, so can we turn the symbol around today by our Christ-like sacrifice. The hallmark of Jesus-living is self-denial – sacrifice! So let’s put people first in our classes, in our apartments, in our neighborhoods, families, workplaces, initiatives, projects, plans – in our futures.

People need to see that it is the cross of Christ that makes the difference in our lives. They need to see that the cross has produced in us a new code of behavior. The things we used to do we don’t do them anymore. The things we used to wear ... read ... watch ... listen to ... places ... Why? Because the cross, which makes Calvary so special, has made a difference in our lives.

So Calvary is ultimate price not only because of the Man of Calvary but also because of the cross of Calvary.

Sinners of Calvary
But Calvary is finally the ultimate price because of the sinners of Calvary. Calvary makes little sense without the sinners hanging there.

Hear me out. On the hill of Calvary were three crosses. One cross portrays a thief dying IN sin, and the other a thief dying TO sin. (Which sinner are you?) But the centre cross speaks of the redeemer dying FOR sin. Calvary divides all of humanity into one of two categories — those who reject Christ and die in sin and those who receive Christ and can die to sin. (But which category are you in?)

For if you are in the one dying to sin, Jesus says you have to pick up your cross daily, and follow me. “If any man will come after me,” He says, “let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” Mat 16:24.

The beauty about the decision that was made by the thief on the cross who accepted the grace of Jesus is that although it was a last minute decision, it was still accepted by heaven. There was no fanfare, no long altar call, no Bible study, not even time for baptism (though all these do have their places).

There was a mere, “Remember me...” that was affirmed by, “Today, you will be with me...”

Right now you have the opportunity to say in your heart, “Jesus, remember me!” In so saying, you are saying, “I accept the gift of Calvary, the ultimate price that heaven had to pay to redeem a poor sinner like me!” I now want the miracle of Calvary to empower my living, whether it be to kick a habit, to change my taste buds, to go to the next level of my personal development, to embrace the values of endurance, simplicity and selfless service — whatever it might be — I submit to the power that Calvary unleashes to empower my soul.

When I stood before the magistrate that day, I told you that all I could say was, “I had to pay the price of speeding to set her free!” But what I didn’t tell you was the whole story. You see, I went on to tell the magistrates that I got an emergency call from the local hospital that late evening that one of my parishioners was dying and could I get there immediately to pray with her before her last dying breath. Well, apart from taking the word “immediately” quite literally, I knew that my presence as an agent of God would not only bring her comfort, but permission to die in the freedom of peace and hope. So I negotiated the roads a little sharper and quicker than I normally did to get there, acknowledging that I did break the law to do this. I wanted to tell them further that I did get there just in time, and managed to hold Agnes by her lily, crispy hands and recite and pray that “God shall wipe away all tears from your eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things would be passed away,” (paraphrased, Rev 21:4). I wanted to tell them this, but the magistrates stopped me in my tracks in order to break for their deliberations over my case.

A few moments later, they returned from their chambers and pronounced the verdict, “Not guilty!” to my utmost surprise and delight. They did, however, record the offence against my name, but that for me was a small price to pay.

Jesus paid the ultimate price to set every human free.