On the weels again

There has passed just a week and I was back into car again. It was wonderful day for speeding. Spring is coming. May heart will trick with me still a bit but mostly I am laughing again. I know it is just a part of my defencive at moment but still... It is good to laugh even your heart is in tears. Roads are dry and clean. Not much cars were on the road. I enjoyed every minute there. A bit sas was to think that I refused go with guys couple weeks ago when they went just to have fire my the Peipsi lake somewhere. The icepath is probably melted already. Pfft. Nah, the boys know so well how to have good time. Why I refuse then every time to spend that together them? Next time! Next time... hmm... next time will be when I ask Allan to change my tyres for summer tyres. Good he told me I can ask him any time to do that. I need to call to him and make sure he and Markus have time for me and maybe even more we could do something they usually do together. It would be fun. I am amazed how easily they take everything.

Naahh... I am grazy. How could I step up in so young men gang? Are they now 20 or a bit more? What will I do with them? Yah, how they do take everything so easy :p I am already worring how do I can spend time with them till I am so old! That's the place for good laugh. If they think I am cool enough to ask me to join with them then why should I worry? Alright, I won't. I just need some better clothes for that... like jeans and sportshoes... Oh, and bicycle! Seems that I won't eat next month also :D I will get it to myself!!

Spring....

It has snowed two days for now. We didn't have during whole winter snow like now on the spring. I laughed when I saw it on the mornig.
Finally winter. And the city coverment was not ready for that. Wverywhere were crawling cars. Everywhere near to the streets where snwdrifts a meter or 1.5 higher. And air was so clear. Just amazing what can do white cold snow. Juhhei!
I walk at school today. Like everyday... But today it will be fun was I thinking when I climbed over snowbank to cross the street.
Great, police. Hopefully he is busy enough to get out from the car only because o pedastrian crossed the road where she should not.
Jup. He was.
Ah, Maris is crossing street somewhere there too. I let her to take photo from me standing near the snowdrift there!
Snow till our knees. The house keepers haven't cleaned everywhere the streets yet.
Jee... Why the bus had to stop here? We need to make now circle around it. Pftt! Or should we? It had blocked the street and we had to climb in snowdift now.
My bum will hurt later. I am sure. That walk is too intensive for it.
Ah, near school and the road was clean! .... and slippery I do realize after I find myself on my tummy. Maris laughed. Jeah, could be funny inteed.
Hi, school!

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-Hurry up, Maris.
-I need to go to pee!
-No, you don't?
-I do. I pee into my pants.
-NO! You don't!
-I do. I have others with. I can.
-Alright, but I am not going to stand next to you then.
-Why not?
-The smell of course. Rather dont come into class at all!
-Äh, what friend you are ;(
-What do you expect me to do then? Hold your hand and pee into my pants as well?
Jee. She nodded...

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It is still snowing outside. I do hope they clean the streets for afternoon. Although it is funny to watch ppl struggle in snow there.

***************************

-Hei Kerli. What are you doing?
-Watching pictures I took.
-Oh, may I see.
-Sure.

Klick. Klick.

-Who is that?
-Oh that's my new puppy. She is a Chow-Chow.
-So lovely! And this one?
-Oh, he is just a chow.
-?????????
-Just his mother was a Chow-Chow....

*****************************

I just stand up and take my bag.
"I need to go!"
I walk out from the class 5 minutes before it ends. I need brush my teeth. I do watch out from window. Still is snowing. 30 minutes sdhould be enough to walk to my dentist.

***************************

-I will see you on 15th April then?
-That's suitable for me.
-Take a piece of choclate, please.
-No thank you. I really don't want.
-Hei, have you eaten anything today?
-Nope, but I don't like chokolate.
-Oh, do you see then, you need just a piece!
-Aliright ;o) Jee... what kind of dentist I have found... And all pieces are 2 sectors. Pft! It won't break!-Oh take it all!
-No! I really...
-Take it, I have more!
I take it. I do break it. I eat it. I stick the other into my pocket.
-Thank you :)
-I will see you then.
-Yes, bye.
-Bye.
I leave. I stop near the bin and drop the piece from my pocket there. Run downstairs and... yuki! I spit it all into white snow...

*********************************

Who am I cheating. I am not able to eat. I may sit there and watch my plate a much I wish I just can't make myself to lift anything to my mouth. 2 weeks and I have lost 4 kilo per week. Not that it would noticed for others so much but I do. And I don't mean that my clothes are flagging but I just don't feel good. Dizzy and sick.

And it is not like I haven't tried. I feel how hangry is my body. It's screaming by help. I was walking around in a shop and tried to convince myself to eat with the smell of ready food there. Cooked chicken, smelly tuna pizza, cheese... all my favorites. A day without food and I could buy all of them for night. But not yesterday... ´I bought 250 grams of strawberries. Red and sweet straight from Spain (I guess). Actually it tasted sweet indeed. I did ate 3 or 4 of them and was curled up in bed later almost dying becasue my tummy protested to digest it all. I felt really sick. Funny. It almost feels like my stomach has her own life now. It just wont take orders of mine. I always thought it is just exaggeration of babes and that when they just said they can't eat but being alone ate anyway. I actually dont know what to think about that anymore... Once my granny said "Oh if you would have broken heart you would lose some kilos!" Congratulation granny! You got me on broken-heart-diet.

I am blonde. Am I?

I came from work on the morning. It was sunny day and I felt smelly and sweaty. I hurried home to have shower. I am quite techy and don't like have shower at work. Whatever how long I clean the room first I can't over from feeling there are billion bacters what other personnel have left there. Yuki! If I have no choice then I make sure that I never have to step barefoot on the floor there and that I should never touch or lean against any wall. Anyway, it all is really constrictive.

So I had shower at home. After that I sat in armchair and was enjoying the sun what shined inside. I was thinking about what should I do with my hair. Should I cut them short? Or maybe I sould try permanet waves before? Or maybe should I let them to dye? Hmmm... and what color then? Blonde? Red? Dark? I have never been anything else than blond. Maybe I should try something else...

Naah, I am not going to have any damage to them. They shined so golden in sun beams. I tried to get some picture about the golden shine but... Yeah, watch my face. I am not happy how they look on pictures. Not blond at all. More like red... Does it matter at all. It took couple years to get rid off my last perms so let it be like that for while. Let I be normal and rare on the streets ;o)

For better future

Good-good-good! I feel my brain is clear today and I can't feel my heart. But let's don't make illusion. I'm not over my broken heart yet. I know now that there can be moments I feel nothing but they are coming and going so it may be just one of those clear moments. But... I have found the way how to work by the better future.

Let's see then... I need a friend. I mean a REAL frien who I can visit and who will visit me. Then I need to finish my studings. It will be long time I know but... I am ready to do that. Well... Since I am not going to Africa now I don't need my duch course so I should stop troture myself. Or... well, I should not bury my thoughts about Africa. I finish my studings in 4 years and for this time I will be healed from heart-broken-being so I can still go there. Jaa... maybe I should continue still with my duch course... Well, I will think on that. Anyway, then I should finish my article about the book I read. It should be sent already... And then I have to think about the column there as well what I had to began edit in the journal. Ta-ta-taaa! I should start write quickly because I may forget my good thoughts. Ah, then I should talk to my boss about how I can use my new knowledges about how to quit smoking at my work. What else.... AA! I have to buy a bicycle. And then I have to turn up in a sport club... Well, right, I had to begin with swimming... Hmm, it is good idea as well.

Just like the ones I used to know

As I told the winter came suddenly. I woke up on a morning and the earth was white. I got my mom's digi cam for use and I have clicked it since then. Of course it is not same what is use a professional camera for pictures but it makes the thing.

Well anyway. The winter came suddendly but it is not leaving so suddenly. It has melted whole day today and my mom knew even that it was raining at 4 AM at night! Jee . . . Why she is not sleeping at this time? Who knows. But it made me sad it was raining again. Winter should be with snow, -5 degrees by Celsius and no wind. -15 is too much and -25 is far more than great winter weather. But I should not complain. We have +0 and it rains. Snow on the streets is black like brownies but won't tast like that. I am sure.

There is one positive thing in all of it. Christmas is comińg and they decorate city with lights. I love blue lights. When it is needed to go to work I have to pass from the park where trees are decorated with 2 diferent blue tones. Jee! I could live there! But yeah, is there snow or not; is there lights like that or not, I can't over from fact I miss summer. The time I don't have to think any study. I can just come home and lie down without feeling guilty that I am not reading or studying anything. Oh SUMMER! I'm longing you!

day for birthday

I danced today. There was coming a prety fascinating song on the radio and I was just wiggling my big bum and shaked my hands. Like Janisk (my lector of psychology) let us to know it was just relaxing from some tension I have. So . . . I just relaxed.

From what? Oh right! It was hard college day again and I am just under big pressure. Am I? Probably I am then. Or the song was just so atractive. The day itself was not so hard actually at all. It was birthday of the college. I sang! I have dreamed about singing for mass of people and it was my big day today! Happily I was not alone and others voices covered my tries but . . . . I SANG! Anyway, there has always been bunnies who want to fly. It was just my flying day and I had luck enough – nobody throw me with tomatoes or eggs. Even no snowballs was flaying on my direction.

Ah, snow! It was really great morning today! It was snowing quietly and there was some minus degrees. There were many candles in front of college building and music was playing. Some students and lectors who were standing there had torch on their hands. It gave really warm feeling inside. For a moment I felt we belong together.

After opening ceremony – some speeches, songs and encomiums we had small party-thing inside in our canteen. On the walls were lots of balloons and big table was full of little salad baskets, meat pies, hot drinks (tea and coffee) and of course really large cake. The birthday cake! They were prepared a quiz for us as well but I would like not talk about it. It means we didn’t win although Mahla and Janisk were giving most answers to us and even Kolga was shaking head when there was a question “There will seep 30 mg urine per hour into bladder. Is it true or false?” Ah, winning is not important, taking part is! (What Janisk was saying about that today??? Ah! That it is one reaction in defence mechanism – rationalization by Anna Freud. That actually we wanted to win but when we did not we say loudly we didn’t.)

Janisk is great. Today we were doing short IQ test and I was not very imbecile. 105. I can just think on my old age and dementedness. My best days are history. There were exercise “Weigh of a bottle with lemonade is 850 g. Half full bottle weighted 600 g. How much weigh just the bottle?” Bah!! I watched it like I saw first time math at all. Then I made a system of equation where bottle weigh was marked as “p” and lemonade “l”. Then I found out what “p” is and replaced it in other equation and finally got a negative answer! Now, when I was sitting here and typing the exercise I saw the beauty of the exercise and the right answer. You had just find out how much was weigh of half lemonade and then take it away from the half bottle of lemonade. 850-600=250 g and 600-250=350 g. Jee! No higher math at all.

Oh! And I am sanguine!

Happiness vol. 2

Seems that everyone knows what means happiness and I know exactly what means to not have it.

My heart is full of angush and longing. I am so damned not happy with it!

Savisaar and Savisaar?

Savisaar ??? My cousin

Lately!

I was washing a hospital room floor today. A patient sat on the edge of her bed and watched at me dragging a wet mopp over the floor.

"Are they good?" asked she.

Hmm, are they? I am effective to wet floor with that yeah. They are also easy to rip off for washing and attach later again. So yeah, they are good for me. But are they good for cleaning the floor? I really doubt in it. You take a rag just and schlep it on the floor outspreading the dirt.

I nodded.

"They came lately. They are advertizing them now everywhere."

That's a mopp. At least it is called so in estonian. I have known this since I had to start wash floors. It means about 15 years already. 15 years! And for her it is lately?!