Hey J.,

I decided I won't cry today. I am sitting behind my desk. I fiished just infosheets for my local congrecation. I am trying to train my patient. I am sitting here and having fight with myself. I am trying to keep my promise to not cry. And I am trying to keep myself back to not write a letter to my frog. It is hard. And maybe even a bit funny. Can you image me to sit behind my desk with serious face glaring at desktop and keeping myself back to not write. And during that I am pulling faces from sad face to angry face.

I am confuced and deeply sad, angry and anguished, unsure and hurting. Too many feelings that they all could set in me without drowning me into tears. But today I am not going to cry. I will have 11 tears-free minutes still! It was a joke ;o) Althought the day will get over in 11 minutes I have decided to not cry at least not till the morning. To be honest then not on the morning as well.

Yeah, I am stiff. I am so stiff that I even wont shout althought I would like to do that with my deepest bottom of soul. To shout at my frog, "Stop doing that!" But I know he is to stubborn to do anything reasonable in his current situation. Great! I trying to excuse him being an ass! But why he is doing it then? Why he is insulting my love? Probably because he never believed in me to be able have any deeper feeling. I can't even blame hime in it because in this case I have caused myself that doubt in it. But it doesn't make me less to feel the insult there.

Maybe I should write my ethics essay on this topic? Jee! I need it already for Tuesday but I have no idea what ethic problem I should write on... Anyway...

Goodnight J. I do really miss you.

Heleri

Do you feel my heart beating...

Hallo Dear J.,

I deleted couple big movie files today from my laptop and then I did defragment it. My laptop is really slow and I don't know who I should ask to come to check it. I even hijacked it. But you know, I am not so smart to do something useful with the information I got. Mnjah... I need my laptop for school works and it really sucks that it works so slowly. Can't you help me?

You know, I managed to make today 2 other preliminamy exsams and by my feelings they went really well. I have been one lucky fish anyway because God has been with me. My anatomy exam what was really hard went just so well beyond reason. I never guess I can get "A" in it. I am very gratefull to God He gave me piece in my heart and kept me cool. And all other exams as well... If I would not believe God I could say that it has been just good luck. All those questions on exams and tests what I had no time to study He has been with me and gave me memory to remember things what I have heard during lectures. Me and memory... I am sure you know it ;o) 3 secs and thats all. So I am really grateful He has been with me during the time what has been really hard for me and what seems to get more harder.

Ja... It is really hard already now. I just afraid of time what future brings to me. And yes, I know how hard it will be for me. I see it clearly but you know, seeing it doesn't make it easier. I am so close to give up. I am just clinged into Gods shirt and trying to not let it free. If I can do that I am saved but can I? Ah, of course I can. Life is going on and I am getting older here or there it doesn't matter. I just wish all that hard time would be behind already. I miss summer. I don't have to think on studies then.

You know what I did! I couldn't say "No!" again and took a quite big respnsible on my shoulder. I promised to translate 23 pages small and dense typings from English into Estonia. I need to be ready in 3 months ;o( It is just half side of page per day! But I have barely time for breathing. And my duch course is growing over my head as well. But I have just no time.
I am busy to hold my heart. I am busy with holding it and waiting the smashing hit on it. I know it is coming. I got told so. So I am busy with holding and watching my heart how it beats its last beatings... Do you feel my heart beating... or am I only dreaming... Well... Maybe it all has to go this way. Byt J., you have seen I have had fighted because of that. I never gave up how many times I felt I should. I haven't still gave up. But J., You can see I can't do that alone. Oh J., I really do afraid of the hit what is threatening my heart. Can you help me? Please...

Hei J.,

It is me again. And like usually - I need you to console me. My heart and soul are bittered. I lied down yesterday and begged the Father to take away my feelings. I wished I could have no heart to feel any pain what is caused by love. It is not good feeling to be alone left down from some one you loved so much. I know you know the feeling. I know that your experiance has been thousands times worse than mine. It is why I need your comfort. You know how to manage the feeling when something is hurting you. I don't know. Just please, don't say it will pass. I don't want it will pass. I want to love for ever. I want to remember for ever. I want to be dead to be in for ever already.

What should I do with my life? Where should i go? Do you know? How should I teach to my son he needs to set his aims for future if I know it all is so relative. You can have the best possible aim but it can ghange with seconds. WITH SECONDS! And you are standing in middle of storm without seeing where should you go on. You are standing there and trying panically hear the voice in the middle of wind, rain and flying stuff but you can't hear anything. I am tired of running around and screaming in hope that someone answers. I am tired to feeling I am all alone and that no-one cares am I there or not. I am tired to worry are my loved one's alright. I never get to know it anyway. J., I wish to just sit down and do nothing. I just want to wait the end.

Just embarassing. Thousands around me have lost more I have and they live on. And you, J., you have lost thousand times more than all thous thousand arond me together and you are the one who has still curage to give your hands to me. You are just The Best Friend I ever have had. Thank you for that.

With Love,

Heleri

Debrekas

I was standing in front of a mirror today and said hi to myself. Yeah... Hi you there. The Monstrosity. Ugly, old and alone. Some mirakle then noone loves me. And I can sit and dream how much I wish about my beloved man cuddling and holding me when we are watching out from window how the winter rain makes its job. Yeah... I am missing some warmth words from someone who really cares about me but I will never get it. It is like revenge that I have had so envy with those same words. Real monstrosity. The Monstrosity who has stayed up already for 42 hours. Probably it has made me more sensitive. More receptive for feelings what have caught me.

Well... at least there is everything alrite with my studies. Maybe some problems with duch course but it comes only because I joined witht the group so late and I have to make back all the monthses they have studied it already. But! What els I have to do than study? To think on that how ugly and unloved and alone I am? Yeah, as we can see I have even time for that.

It is just so hard to accept the knowledge that all good things will pass and some of them never return. If I could just open my chest and throw awa my silly heart to feel nothing for changes. On the moments like that I would like to ask "Why, God? Why?" But I never will do that.

Koguduses 15. aastapäev

Hingamispäev on alanud. Hommik on valge. Just kui midagi teisiti, kui tavaliselt. Samme läbi värske koheva lume Lille mäest üles seades loodan salamisi, et ehk mõneks ajaks jääb valge vaip nüüd ka maad katma. Vanarahvas on alati öelnud, et ega tali taeva jää. Ei tea kas see enam kehtib. Üle pika aja on õhk natuke kargem ja meel erksam. Füsioloogialoengust meelde jäänud tõdemus hormoon melatoniini uniseks muutvast mõjust inimorganismile saab täielikult kinnitust väsimuse taandumisega lume pleegitava valguse käes. Kaasa aitab ka lumekuuli täistabamus selga ja naerev küsimus: "Emme, kas sulle nüüd meeldib lumi?" No kas meeldib siis? Seisan Lille tänava kollase fassaadi ees. Kas talle meeldib lumi? Kas talle meeldib kõik see, mis talle juhtub või juhtunud on? Ei küsi temalt seda keegi. Aga näe, minu käest küsiti, kas mulle meeldib lumi.

15 aastat on möödas ajast, mil Lille tänava maja on jälle Tartu koguduse hoone. Maja, millel on olnud suht vaheldusikas eksisteerimislugu, on täna ikka samasugune kui eile. Möödunut meenutavad ainult inimesed, kes on pikki aastaid olnud seotud selle maja ja kogudusega. Tagasivaatena aega, mil see juhtus, oli planeeritud toonase avakontsertjumalateenistuse vaatamisega selle hingamispäeva õhtusel koosolekul.

Videomeenutust vaadates on rõõmus ärevus hinges iga näo puhul, mille ära tunned. Toonased poisid ja tüdrukud on suureks sirgunud ning osadel on juba oma pere, kes võib nautida usklikuks olemist ajal, mil on lubatud liigagi palju. Kärt ja Artur on täidsa enda nägu. Joosep – no öeldi, et on tema. Teadjamaid peab uskuma.

Samuti on näha inimesi, kellega ammu ilma on hüvasti jäetud ja maapõue unele pandud. Südame põksudes jälgin kaamerat mitmel korral peatumas Ain Soosaare näol. Pastor, suuresti tänu kellele olen ma tagasi koguduse juures, kes mind kasvatas ja ristis. Inimene, kelle soovin Taevariigis esmalt üles otsida, et teda kas või ainult tänada.

Sõnavõttudes oli tänu ja kiitust Jumalale ning samuti inimestele, kes on aidanud maja uuesti renoveerida ja taas kirikuna kasutusele võtta. Hea meel on mõelda, et kuigi Nõukogude aeg võttis koguduselt maja, oli Jumalal hoone jaoks varuks samuti tänuväärne ülesanne lasteaia näol. Ning et ka kogu sõja aja oli hoone Jumala kaitsva väe all saades vaid tühise kriimustuse fassaadi ühe akna ülemise väikse klaasi purunemise läbi.

Muusikaliste ettekannete vahel libiseb kaamera klaverimängijale, kes ei ole keegi muu kui meie tänane pastor Rein Kalmus. Oma hilisemas kommentaaris ütles ta, et tema mälestused on enamasti seotud Sõbra tänava hoonega, kuid siiski oli tal hea meel tollal iga kiriku üle, mis riigilt tagasi saadi. Eks igaüks neist nõudis oma tööd ja vaeva, kuid kõik see soodustas hiljem kiriku tööd. Veel lisas ta, et hea oli oma vaimulik kodu tagasi saada. Kuna aeg oli edasi läinud ja tingimused muutunud, on ka tänuväärne see osa, mis hiljem juurde ehitati. See on aidanud koguduse tööd veel enamgi tõhustada. Kuigi juurdeehituses paiknevad ruumid Liidu ja koguduse tarbeks, tahaks välja tuua köögi osa, mille olemasolu on andnud hea võimaluse toitlustamiseks nii seminaride ja muude ürituste ajal, kui ka supiköögina vaeste ja kodutute tarbeks.

Kuid siiski kõik see jätab lahtiseks küsimuse, kas talle lumi meeldib või ei. Ja kas see ongi nii oluline? Hea on astuda üles Lille mäe konarlikku teed mööda teades, et olgu lumi või päike, see koht on minu jaoks olemas. Koht, kus ma võin end tunda vabalt ja rahulikuna.

The truth of love?

You built up your life on so big and beutiful feeling like it is love. Isn't it great? I think it is. Especially when you believe that love may win every obstrucktion on your way. You make plans for your future with your beloved one. You dream about life together and what all will be there - an house and children and pets and lots of love and caring and respect. And you believe it all in earnest because there have been so many failures on the way to the real happines and you and your love have lived them all over. So the big and powerful feeling love seems just unbeatable.

And then you woke up on a mornig and something rasps your heart. Suddenly you feel that everything has changed. Your beloved one haven't showed up he caring about you already long time. YOu wrote it on the hard times and showed up more love. BUt nothing changes. YOu feel day by day that you are not needed anymore. That you are like unpleasend trash who is still there and you stay waiting the day you'll get throwed away. Do you? Should you?

Well... It happens if you love. It happens when you build up everything on love. Because it is just a feeling. Didn't you know the feelings can CHANGES? Oh yes we knew. But we believed it won't happen with us! Well... we know as well that time will heal all cuts as well. Does it help now?

I wanted more I had. I lost everything.

Topic like some lines from a song. Still, it seems like the song in my life at moment. Maybe my grief is too big now to see the good things what have happened to me, I don’t know that. I am angry and dissapointed and confused and thinking all the time I have to be supportive. But how can I be supportive when I want to curl up in bed and scream?

But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...

And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.

But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.

I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!