I was standing in front of a mirror today and said hi to myself. Yeah... Hi you there. The Monstrosity. Ugly, old and alone. Some mirakle then noone loves me. And I can sit and dream how much I wish about my beloved man cuddling and holding me when we are watching out from window how the winter rain makes its job. Yeah... I am missing some warmth words from someone who really cares about me but I will never get it. It is like revenge that I have had so envy with those same words. Real monstrosity. The Monstrosity who has stayed up already for 42 hours. Probably it has made me more sensitive. More receptive for feelings what have caught me.
Well... at least there is everything alrite with my studies. Maybe some problems with duch course but it comes only because I joined witht the group so late and I have to make back all the monthses they have studied it already. But! What els I have to do than study? To think on that how ugly and unloved and alone I am? Yeah, as we can see I have even time for that.
It is just so hard to accept the knowledge that all good things will pass and some of them never return. If I could just open my chest and throw awa my silly heart to feel nothing for changes. On the moments like that I would like to ask "Why, God? Why?" But I never will do that.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Koguduses 15. aastapäev
Hingamispäev on alanud. Hommik on valge. Just kui midagi teisiti, kui tavaliselt. Samme läbi värske koheva lume Lille mäest üles seades loodan salamisi, et ehk mõneks ajaks jääb valge vaip nüüd ka maad katma. Vanarahvas on alati öelnud, et ega tali taeva jää. Ei tea kas see enam kehtib. Üle pika aja on õhk natuke kargem ja meel erksam. Füsioloogialoengust meelde jäänud tõdemus hormoon melatoniini uniseks muutvast mõjust inimorganismile saab täielikult kinnitust väsimuse taandumisega lume pleegitava valguse käes. Kaasa aitab ka lumekuuli täistabamus selga ja naerev küsimus: "Emme, kas sulle nüüd meeldib lumi?" No kas meeldib siis? Seisan Lille tänava kollase fassaadi ees. Kas talle meeldib lumi? Kas talle meeldib kõik see, mis talle juhtub või juhtunud on? Ei küsi temalt seda keegi. Aga näe, minu käest küsiti, kas mulle meeldib lumi.
15 aastat on möödas ajast, mil Lille tänava maja on jälle Tartu koguduse hoone. Maja, millel on olnud suht vaheldusikas eksisteerimislugu, on täna ikka samasugune kui eile. Möödunut meenutavad ainult inimesed, kes on pikki aastaid olnud seotud selle maja ja kogudusega. Tagasivaatena aega, mil see juhtus, oli planeeritud toonase avakontsertjumalateenistuse vaatamisega selle hingamispäeva õhtusel koosolekul.
Videomeenutust vaadates on rõõmus ärevus hinges iga näo puhul, mille ära tunned. Toonased poisid ja tüdrukud on suureks sirgunud ning osadel on juba oma pere, kes võib nautida usklikuks olemist ajal, mil on lubatud liigagi palju. Kärt ja Artur on täidsa enda nägu. Joosep – no öeldi, et on tema. Teadjamaid peab uskuma.
Samuti on näha inimesi, kellega ammu ilma on hüvasti jäetud ja maapõue unele pandud. Südame põksudes jälgin kaamerat mitmel korral peatumas Ain Soosaare näol. Pastor, suuresti tänu kellele olen ma tagasi koguduse juures, kes mind kasvatas ja ristis. Inimene, kelle soovin Taevariigis esmalt üles otsida, et teda kas või ainult tänada.
Sõnavõttudes oli tänu ja kiitust Jumalale ning samuti inimestele, kes on aidanud maja uuesti renoveerida ja taas kirikuna kasutusele võtta. Hea meel on mõelda, et kuigi Nõukogude aeg võttis koguduselt maja, oli Jumalal hoone jaoks varuks samuti tänuväärne ülesanne lasteaia näol. Ning et ka kogu sõja aja oli hoone Jumala kaitsva väe all saades vaid tühise kriimustuse fassaadi ühe akna ülemise väikse klaasi purunemise läbi.
Muusikaliste ettekannete vahel libiseb kaamera klaverimängijale, kes ei ole keegi muu kui meie tänane pastor Rein Kalmus. Oma hilisemas kommentaaris ütles ta, et tema mälestused on enamasti seotud Sõbra tänava hoonega, kuid siiski oli tal hea meel tollal iga kiriku üle, mis riigilt tagasi saadi. Eks igaüks neist nõudis oma tööd ja vaeva, kuid kõik see soodustas hiljem kiriku tööd. Veel lisas ta, et hea oli oma vaimulik kodu tagasi saada. Kuna aeg oli edasi läinud ja tingimused muutunud, on ka tänuväärne see osa, mis hiljem juurde ehitati. See on aidanud koguduse tööd veel enamgi tõhustada. Kuigi juurdeehituses paiknevad ruumid Liidu ja koguduse tarbeks, tahaks välja tuua köögi osa, mille olemasolu on andnud hea võimaluse toitlustamiseks nii seminaride ja muude ürituste ajal, kui ka supiköögina vaeste ja kodutute tarbeks.
Kuid siiski kõik see jätab lahtiseks küsimuse, kas talle lumi meeldib või ei. Ja kas see ongi nii oluline? Hea on astuda üles Lille mäe konarlikku teed mööda teades, et olgu lumi või päike, see koht on minu jaoks olemas. Koht, kus ma võin end tunda vabalt ja rahulikuna.
15 aastat on möödas ajast, mil Lille tänava maja on jälle Tartu koguduse hoone. Maja, millel on olnud suht vaheldusikas eksisteerimislugu, on täna ikka samasugune kui eile. Möödunut meenutavad ainult inimesed, kes on pikki aastaid olnud seotud selle maja ja kogudusega. Tagasivaatena aega, mil see juhtus, oli planeeritud toonase avakontsertjumalateenistuse vaatamisega selle hingamispäeva õhtusel koosolekul.
Videomeenutust vaadates on rõõmus ärevus hinges iga näo puhul, mille ära tunned. Toonased poisid ja tüdrukud on suureks sirgunud ning osadel on juba oma pere, kes võib nautida usklikuks olemist ajal, mil on lubatud liigagi palju. Kärt ja Artur on täidsa enda nägu. Joosep – no öeldi, et on tema. Teadjamaid peab uskuma.
Samuti on näha inimesi, kellega ammu ilma on hüvasti jäetud ja maapõue unele pandud. Südame põksudes jälgin kaamerat mitmel korral peatumas Ain Soosaare näol. Pastor, suuresti tänu kellele olen ma tagasi koguduse juures, kes mind kasvatas ja ristis. Inimene, kelle soovin Taevariigis esmalt üles otsida, et teda kas või ainult tänada.
Sõnavõttudes oli tänu ja kiitust Jumalale ning samuti inimestele, kes on aidanud maja uuesti renoveerida ja taas kirikuna kasutusele võtta. Hea meel on mõelda, et kuigi Nõukogude aeg võttis koguduselt maja, oli Jumalal hoone jaoks varuks samuti tänuväärne ülesanne lasteaia näol. Ning et ka kogu sõja aja oli hoone Jumala kaitsva väe all saades vaid tühise kriimustuse fassaadi ühe akna ülemise väikse klaasi purunemise läbi.
Muusikaliste ettekannete vahel libiseb kaamera klaverimängijale, kes ei ole keegi muu kui meie tänane pastor Rein Kalmus. Oma hilisemas kommentaaris ütles ta, et tema mälestused on enamasti seotud Sõbra tänava hoonega, kuid siiski oli tal hea meel tollal iga kiriku üle, mis riigilt tagasi saadi. Eks igaüks neist nõudis oma tööd ja vaeva, kuid kõik see soodustas hiljem kiriku tööd. Veel lisas ta, et hea oli oma vaimulik kodu tagasi saada. Kuna aeg oli edasi läinud ja tingimused muutunud, on ka tänuväärne see osa, mis hiljem juurde ehitati. See on aidanud koguduse tööd veel enamgi tõhustada. Kuigi juurdeehituses paiknevad ruumid Liidu ja koguduse tarbeks, tahaks välja tuua köögi osa, mille olemasolu on andnud hea võimaluse toitlustamiseks nii seminaride ja muude ürituste ajal, kui ka supiköögina vaeste ja kodutute tarbeks.
Kuid siiski kõik see jätab lahtiseks küsimuse, kas talle lumi meeldib või ei. Ja kas see ongi nii oluline? Hea on astuda üles Lille mäe konarlikku teed mööda teades, et olgu lumi või päike, see koht on minu jaoks olemas. Koht, kus ma võin end tunda vabalt ja rahulikuna.
The truth of love?
You built up your life on so big and beutiful feeling like it is love. Isn't it great? I think it is. Especially when you believe that love may win every obstrucktion on your way. You make plans for your future with your beloved one. You dream about life together and what all will be there - an house and children and pets and lots of love and caring and respect. And you believe it all in earnest because there have been so many failures on the way to the real happines and you and your love have lived them all over. So the big and powerful feeling love seems just unbeatable.
And then you woke up on a mornig and something rasps your heart. Suddenly you feel that everything has changed. Your beloved one haven't showed up he caring about you already long time. YOu wrote it on the hard times and showed up more love. BUt nothing changes. YOu feel day by day that you are not needed anymore. That you are like unpleasend trash who is still there and you stay waiting the day you'll get throwed away. Do you? Should you?
Well... It happens if you love. It happens when you build up everything on love. Because it is just a feeling. Didn't you know the feelings can CHANGES? Oh yes we knew. But we believed it won't happen with us! Well... we know as well that time will heal all cuts as well. Does it help now?
And then you woke up on a mornig and something rasps your heart. Suddenly you feel that everything has changed. Your beloved one haven't showed up he caring about you already long time. YOu wrote it on the hard times and showed up more love. BUt nothing changes. YOu feel day by day that you are not needed anymore. That you are like unpleasend trash who is still there and you stay waiting the day you'll get throwed away. Do you? Should you?
Well... It happens if you love. It happens when you build up everything on love. Because it is just a feeling. Didn't you know the feelings can CHANGES? Oh yes we knew. But we believed it won't happen with us! Well... we know as well that time will heal all cuts as well. Does it help now?
Friday, January 25, 2008
I wanted more I had. I lost everything.
Topic like some lines from a song. Still, it seems like the song in my life at moment. Maybe my grief is too big now to see the good things what have happened to me, I don’t know that. I am angry and dissapointed and confused and thinking all the time I have to be supportive. But how can I be supportive when I want to curl up in bed and scream?
But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...
And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.
But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.
I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!
But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...
And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.
But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.
I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Xmas
Youth evening was at Annika's place again. Tiit was so nice, picked me up and brought me at her. She lives in periferia still! This time were not much ppl there. 8 with Kärt but she never counts herslef in so there were 7 by her. 3 boys: Tiit, Allan and Toomas. And 5 girls: Annika, Annemai, Piret, Kärt and me. Well, Annemai left soon at work and Markus game later when everything was over already, so basically was all the time 8 young person there.
This time wasn't Kärt reading the book. We were singing xmas songs and then we had 2 groups: one group (me, Annika and Toomas) had to think out as many reason we can why adventists should not have xmas and second group (Tiit, Annemai, Piret, Allan) had to think out reasons why we should have xmas.
Our basic points were:
1. Jesus had no birthday during Xmas time,
2. Santa Claus and his little helpers are just a big lie
3. Reindeers don't fly!
4. It is celebration of heathen solstice
5. It is pointles money wasting time for things you use just once in a year during the xmas week.
Our oposites had also some good points to keep xmas (I am not pointing out the rubbish like "Santa's little helpers are cool because they make kids happier") :
1. It is time when whole family comes together.
2. It is time when ppl are more opened to give money for poorer.
3. It is time when ppl who usually are not going to churc are going to church and so it is possible "to get a leg in from their doors".
Jeah... Jep... other points were just rubbish. But anyway. It was almostly all. After that we were sitting a bit longer and was talking about what could we do during annual turnover. After that we left. Markus brought me home to check battery of my car. Allan came as well with his car after he brought Piret at home. My car battery was empty. Totally. Markus connected my car with his and dragged till it started. After that we took petrol and they made test rout. Allan filled my weels with air as well. I got to know that my car has 1,6 l engine and 65 (or was it 6.5) kW ... emm... it was power I think. Oh and ofc that I need new sparkplugs and something is wrong with my car's exhaust pipe and oh dear! I had summer weels still on! But you know, I was not complaining. The car was driving!! I just need to take the plug off when I park my car and set it on again when I am going to drive. That's all.
This time wasn't Kärt reading the book. We were singing xmas songs and then we had 2 groups: one group (me, Annika and Toomas) had to think out as many reason we can why adventists should not have xmas and second group (Tiit, Annemai, Piret, Allan) had to think out reasons why we should have xmas.
Our basic points were:
1. Jesus had no birthday during Xmas time,
2. Santa Claus and his little helpers are just a big lie
3. Reindeers don't fly!
4. It is celebration of heathen solstice
5. It is pointles money wasting time for things you use just once in a year during the xmas week.
Our oposites had also some good points to keep xmas (I am not pointing out the rubbish like "Santa's little helpers are cool because they make kids happier") :
1. It is time when whole family comes together.
2. It is time when ppl are more opened to give money for poorer.
3. It is time when ppl who usually are not going to churc are going to church and so it is possible "to get a leg in from their doors".
Jeah... Jep... other points were just rubbish. But anyway. It was almostly all. After that we were sitting a bit longer and was talking about what could we do during annual turnover. After that we left. Markus brought me home to check battery of my car. Allan came as well with his car after he brought Piret at home. My car battery was empty. Totally. Markus connected my car with his and dragged till it started. After that we took petrol and they made test rout. Allan filled my weels with air as well. I got to know that my car has 1,6 l engine and 65 (or was it 6.5) kW ... emm... it was power I think. Oh and ofc that I need new sparkplugs and something is wrong with my car's exhaust pipe and oh dear! I had summer weels still on! But you know, I was not complaining. The car was driving!! I just need to take the plug off when I park my car and set it on again when I am going to drive. That's all.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Words are birds
Weird how much is possible to hurt with words. And it is also wierd that when we are in the same situation we all act the same. If you get hurt you are upset with the hurter but in oposite situation you never think you words can hurt others.
In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside
yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.
Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.
I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy.
I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are.
I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then
I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.
Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.
Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry
In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside
yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.
I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy.
I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are. I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then
I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.
Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Hidden pain
I am broken. I am bleeding and tired and down. 
I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!
I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others.
To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?
I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...
I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others.
To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...
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