You built up your life on so big and beutiful feeling like it is love. Isn't it great? I think it is. Especially when you believe that love may win every obstrucktion on your way. You make plans for your future with your beloved one. You dream about life together and what all will be there - an house and children and pets and lots of love and caring and respect. And you believe it all in earnest because there have been so many failures on the way to the real happines and you and your love have lived them all over. So the big and powerful feeling love seems just unbeatable.
And then you woke up on a mornig and something rasps your heart. Suddenly you feel that everything has changed. Your beloved one haven't showed up he caring about you already long time. YOu wrote it on the hard times and showed up more love. BUt nothing changes. YOu feel day by day that you are not needed anymore. That you are like unpleasend trash who is still there and you stay waiting the day you'll get throwed away. Do you? Should you?
Well... It happens if you love. It happens when you build up everything on love. Because it is just a feeling. Didn't you know the feelings can CHANGES? Oh yes we knew. But we believed it won't happen with us! Well... we know as well that time will heal all cuts as well. Does it help now?
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
I wanted more I had. I lost everything.
Topic like some lines from a song. Still, it seems like the song in my life at moment. Maybe my grief is too big now to see the good things what have happened to me, I don’t know that. I am angry and dissapointed and confused and thinking all the time I have to be supportive. But how can I be supportive when I want to curl up in bed and scream?
But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...
And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.
But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.
I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!
But I am not. I stand and walk and smile and comfort and say „I love you“. And it is true – I do love! But I feel so fake during that. Probably because I can’t show out my real feelings. To love someone doesn’t mean I can’t be angry when things are going wrong, right? But if my feelings are not helpful for other? I don’t know . . . So I am angry. And dissapointed. And wishing to scream. It is pressing out everywhere from me. But there I am – smiling, helping, suporting, saying nice things, doing 1000 little things to fill my empty life – full of pretense...
And everyone are saying „Wow! You are so good and kind and fun.“ Hmm... and then I wonder how we know so less about others around us. It is really hard to see under the pretense. And what about Mother Theresa then? Was she also under all of her good personalities just a woman with her crises? Who knows that. Just it is so hard to admit that I am just a fake in many. And it makes the thing more sad that the beloved persons next to you are the same big mysteries as you are for them.
But I am angry. I want to know what is going on in their lives who are important to me. I want to know more they are telling to me. I want to see under their lay of pretense. And it makes me mad that if they once demanded me to show under my pretansecout then HOW can they now NOT SHOW me what is under their smily face. So I am angry.
I asked patience for me from God. But how can He give it to me without putting me in situations where I can leard them from? So is it the answer for me and I shoud train to be patient now? Jee.... I AM SO ANGRY!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Xmas
Youth evening was at Annika's place again. Tiit was so nice, picked me up and brought me at her. She lives in periferia still! This time were not much ppl there. 8 with Kärt but she never counts herslef in so there were 7 by her. 3 boys: Tiit, Allan and Toomas. And 5 girls: Annika, Annemai, Piret, Kärt and me. Well, Annemai left soon at work and Markus game later when everything was over already, so basically was all the time 8 young person there.
This time wasn't Kärt reading the book. We were singing xmas songs and then we had 2 groups: one group (me, Annika and Toomas) had to think out as many reason we can why adventists should not have xmas and second group (Tiit, Annemai, Piret, Allan) had to think out reasons why we should have xmas.
Our basic points were:
1. Jesus had no birthday during Xmas time,
2. Santa Claus and his little helpers are just a big lie
3. Reindeers don't fly!
4. It is celebration of heathen solstice
5. It is pointles money wasting time for things you use just once in a year during the xmas week.
Our oposites had also some good points to keep xmas (I am not pointing out the rubbish like "Santa's little helpers are cool because they make kids happier") :
1. It is time when whole family comes together.
2. It is time when ppl are more opened to give money for poorer.
3. It is time when ppl who usually are not going to churc are going to church and so it is possible "to get a leg in from their doors".
Jeah... Jep... other points were just rubbish. But anyway. It was almostly all. After that we were sitting a bit longer and was talking about what could we do during annual turnover. After that we left. Markus brought me home to check battery of my car. Allan came as well with his car after he brought Piret at home. My car battery was empty. Totally. Markus connected my car with his and dragged till it started. After that we took petrol and they made test rout. Allan filled my weels with air as well. I got to know that my car has 1,6 l engine and 65 (or was it 6.5) kW ... emm... it was power I think. Oh and ofc that I need new sparkplugs and something is wrong with my car's exhaust pipe and oh dear! I had summer weels still on! But you know, I was not complaining. The car was driving!! I just need to take the plug off when I park my car and set it on again when I am going to drive. That's all.
This time wasn't Kärt reading the book. We were singing xmas songs and then we had 2 groups: one group (me, Annika and Toomas) had to think out as many reason we can why adventists should not have xmas and second group (Tiit, Annemai, Piret, Allan) had to think out reasons why we should have xmas.
Our basic points were:
1. Jesus had no birthday during Xmas time,
2. Santa Claus and his little helpers are just a big lie
3. Reindeers don't fly!
4. It is celebration of heathen solstice
5. It is pointles money wasting time for things you use just once in a year during the xmas week.
Our oposites had also some good points to keep xmas (I am not pointing out the rubbish like "Santa's little helpers are cool because they make kids happier") :
1. It is time when whole family comes together.
2. It is time when ppl are more opened to give money for poorer.
3. It is time when ppl who usually are not going to churc are going to church and so it is possible "to get a leg in from their doors".
Jeah... Jep... other points were just rubbish. But anyway. It was almostly all. After that we were sitting a bit longer and was talking about what could we do during annual turnover. After that we left. Markus brought me home to check battery of my car. Allan came as well with his car after he brought Piret at home. My car battery was empty. Totally. Markus connected my car with his and dragged till it started. After that we took petrol and they made test rout. Allan filled my weels with air as well. I got to know that my car has 1,6 l engine and 65 (or was it 6.5) kW ... emm... it was power I think. Oh and ofc that I need new sparkplugs and something is wrong with my car's exhaust pipe and oh dear! I had summer weels still on! But you know, I was not complaining. The car was driving!! I just need to take the plug off when I park my car and set it on again when I am going to drive. That's all.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Words are birds
Weird how much is possible to hurt with words. And it is also wierd that when we are in the same situation we all act the same. If you get hurt you are upset with the hurter but in oposite situation you never think you words can hurt others.
In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside
yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.
Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.
I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy.
I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are.
I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then
I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.
Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.
Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry
In depression when you are able to feel only pain inside
yourself you just don't care about the world and others around you. Depression is like flames inside you what burn you and everybody around you. You are like destroyer moving around and demolishing everything you cared about, everybody you loved once. Deperssion is ability to not remember any feelings you had once before. You can feel just the burning flames inside you what are sucking out life from you.Why we always think in troubles that everybody have left us behind? Why we think in depression that no-one cares about us? It's mysterium. People are actually quite caring they just don't know how to show out it always. They would like to help if you would just know how they could help. Tell to the ppl what to you need and they give gladly their hands to you.
I talked with Toomas today. Well. . . not talking but asking help. I had already days watched around for someone to talk about what is bothering me. I was hoping secretly that I will meet Kärt in situation like once before when she saw my red eyes. Then I didn't want to talk and I told that to her. Although I was hoping to get in a similar situation I never had change for that. I was thinking of Anne as well. I never had change and curage to go to talk with her. She is still my lector as well. I was thinking of Tooams because he is one who knows more about me and my worries. But he is a guy.
I couldn't image situation he was listen me crying and complaining. Then Rein, pastor, he knows even more than Toomas. But he is so official. I never know how to be with him. How long distance I have to keep? Should I sit or stand? And anyway, tehy all are always so busy. And that's not all. I didn't know as well how to tell to them I needed to talk. Even if I could tell to one of them I need to talk then the situation after that ... I can even image Kärts big eyes and a bit horrified face or Anne tilting her head little forfard and side or Toomas standing up, weeping his palms into trausers and stacking them into the pockets when his shoulders are a bit lifted up or Rein saying "Yes-yes!" and walking half circle around me trying to find a place where to go to sit or stand. And all them would watch me ready to listen with waiting look in their eyes, and it killed any wish to talk to any of them. It is situation where air ends and you will drown into shame because you have nothing important to say just how patethic you are. I was talking with Rein last thursday, 13th december. We were last ones who left from the room after a meeting of mission board. He was asking is everything alright and I said nope. I could tell out everything what was bothering me. And today I was talking with Toomas. Not complaing and cryng. Just was asking a favor. I need extra Bible study so I just asked does he has time during the Xmas and New Year to have about 3 group meeting and he just said yes and was asking is there something special I wish to talk about. Yeah, I need to know how to manage depression and when you feel bad. Especially when I don't want to hurt others. I know already that feeling "I don't care" will pass and then
I do care. I do still make my studings because later I will care what marks I got, I still go at work because I know I will care later I have a job. I just to need to know how to live so I don't hurt ppl around me because later I do care again about them.Yeah, words are like birds. If you have ever let them free you never catch them again. Think what you are going to say because you can't take back your words. Never. No apology ease them.
Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Hidden pain
I am broken. I am bleeding and tired and down. 
I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!
I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others.
To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?
I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...
I am confused and full of doubts. I have no clue and no believes. I do see I fall apart and I can't help it. I don't even know do I want to... I am angry and dissapointed. I am restless and fainthearted. I am hurting. I am giving up… I am afraid of unknowing. Help me please!I know noone can help me. But I need to talk. I need it but I can't. It is an art to tell others what is bothering you. There is no person who could listen me anyway. Who would be intrested of me and what do I feel. Everyone is busy with their own feelings and worries. And it's an ability to listen others.
To listen and make you feel that they are really intrested about what are you talking. Actually I think people even afraid of what they could hear because they don't know what to say or how to act. I can't blame them in it. Does it matters at all I need help?I am asking answers but I haven't got them. Or maybe I have but I can't read them. Is it somekind of test for me? Why? What does it teaches for me? I just don't understand...
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Rembrand's Lost Son
We had a youth evening today. We have it every thuestday actually. The bigwig is Kärt. She is reading (translating and reading!) the book "The Emotionally Healthy Church" for us. Oh and not only that! She is thinking out also activity for us! Last time we had to group feelings. She had lots of feelings on the paper pieces and we had to group them into 2 different groups; negative and positive ones. We got 3 groups. Positeve feelings, negative feelings and the feelings we didn't know where to set. I felt like 7 years old and it was great feeling! <- POSITIVE FEELING! The point of the evening was tha we should break down.
Today we had to watch Rembrand's Lost Son first and then discribe the Father, the Lost Son and his elder brother. And the pont of the evening was that we should identify ourselves with the Lost Son. We should kneel down and put our head into the Father's lap. And the Father here is God. We had to watch into ourselves to see are we elder or younger son and if we found we were elder then what should we do to be younger. Well... who told that life has to be easy and clear...
The other thought what I can remember was that are we able to be as a real family member for our congregation? Are we able to be friendly and opened for others around us? Are we able just to listen others? Are we?
Of course we are!
Till Kärt asked from us that what if our pastor would step into the room now and says he has a problem - it is not going well at work and he has problems with his children and wife, a member of church told to him he is not good in his work, his car just stopped working and he has no transport now and etc., etc. How would we act? Would we feel alright during that? Are we able listen him without big eyes and opened mouth? Ah? Mh?
Today we had to watch Rembrand's Lost Son first and then discribe the Father, the Lost Son and his elder brother. And the pont of the evening was that we should identify ourselves with the Lost Son. We should kneel down and put our head into the Father's lap. And the Father here is God. We had to watch into ourselves to see are we elder or younger son and if we found we were elder then what should we do to be younger. Well... who told that life has to be easy and clear...The other thought what I can remember was that are we able to be as a real family member for our congregation? Are we able to be friendly and opened for others around us? Are we able just to listen others? Are we?
Of course we are!
Till Kärt asked from us that what if our pastor would step into the room now and says he has a problem - it is not going well at work and he has problems with his children and wife, a member of church told to him he is not good in his work, his car just stopped working and he has no transport now and etc., etc. How would we act? Would we feel alright during that? Are we able listen him without big eyes and opened mouth? Ah? Mh?
Just like the ones I used to know
As I told the winter came suddenly.
I woke up on a morning and the earth was white. I got my mom's digi cam for use and I have clicked it since then. Of course it is not same what is use a professional camera for pictures but it makes the thing.
Well anyway. The winter came suddendly but it is not leaving so suddenly. It has melted whole day today and my mom knew even that it was raining at 4 AM at night! Jee . . . Why she is not sleeping at this time? Who knows. But it made me sad it was raining again. Winter should be with snow, -5 degrees by Celsius and no wind. -15 is too much and -25 is far more than great winter weather. But I should not complain. We have +0 and it rains. Snow on the streets is black like brownies but won't tast like that. I am sure.
There is one positive thing in all of it. Christmas is comińg and they decorate city with lights. I love blue lights. When it is needed to go to work I have to pass from the park where trees are decorated with 2 diferent blue tones. Jee! I could live there! But yeah, is there snow or not; is there lights like that or not, I can't over from fact I miss summer. The time I don't have to think any study. I can just come home and lie down without feeling guilty that I am not reading or studying anything. Oh SUMMER! I'm longing you!
I woke up on a morning and the earth was white. I got my mom's digi cam for use and I have clicked it since then. Of course it is not same what is use a professional camera for pictures but it makes the thing. Well anyway. The winter came suddendly but it is not leaving so suddenly. It has melted whole day today and my mom knew even that it was raining at 4 AM at night! Jee . . . Why she is not sleeping at this time? Who knows. But it made me sad it was raining again. Winter should be with snow, -5 degrees by Celsius and no wind. -15 is too much and -25 is far more than great winter weather. But I should not complain. We have +0 and it rains. Snow on the streets is black like brownies but won't tast like that. I am sure.
There is one positive thing in all of it. Christmas is comińg and they decorate city with lights. I love blue lights. When it is needed to go to work I have to pass from the park where trees are decorated with 2 diferent blue tones. Jee! I could live there! But yeah, is there snow or not; is there lights like that or not, I can't over from fact I miss summer. The time I don't have to think any study. I can just come home and lie down without feeling guilty that I am not reading or studying anything. Oh SUMMER! I'm longing you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
